The definition I hear most often of a soulmate is someone who you click with so much to the point where you agree on so many things. You share the same taste in movies, in music, in art, in food etc. really they are a person you have so much in common with. That is, the definition that is most touted but in my opinion I am not sure if that should be the actual definition.
What is described above, I would call a soul-twin. I wouldn't call them a soulmate for a number of reasons. First and foremost when someone shares so much with you it is inevitable that you will share much more than what you know to be good, they will often share the bad too. A soul-twin would share your strengths and also your weaknesses, to be so similar you would both exhibit the same behaviours. That isn't necessarily a good thing. I have met several guys in my life who I have clicked with on that level. One in particular which is at the heart of one of the longest chapters of my life. I clicked with him on so many levels, we shared not only the things we choose but also the things we don't. His childhood, where he went on holiday, his family etc the similarities at times were quite freaky, there were several moments of "oh my God me too" as we got to know each other.
The problem is, unless you are perfect - and let's face it, no-one really is - then you can never be with someone who is your perfect equal. Some will argue with me here and that's fine, it may just be me who thinks this. This guy above I mentioned, I would never and could never be with him, not because of anything that happened but simply for the fact that we are too similar, it could never work. Do not get me wrong I regard him as one of my closest and dearest friends.
A soulmate, in my eyes should be seen as someone who completes you. They should be the North to your South. Their weaknesses should be your strengths and their strengths should be your weaknesses. You would share some things, shared interests and above all else love one another. The rest is superfluous. You shouldn't aim to find someone who is your twin, like the pieces of a jigsaw opposites fit together to form a piece of a larger picture.
Unwritten Words
I am a writer. In hobby more than anything else, although I would like to make a living out of my hobby I make no effort to pursue it as I do not have a passion to pursue it. I write when inspiration hits me, movies, books and most often music or when things happen in my life that fill me with emotions and feelings that I can neither fathom nor confront leaving me with the only alternative - that is, to write in order to vent the pent up emotions locked away within me.
Beyond this blog you read I also write for my own private amusement. Most of this I would share although there really is no rhyme nor reason to those writings. There are several stories which I started to write but never finished, some have only a chapter and others have thirty or forty pages. Then there are the FanFic pieces, these I assure you I will never share as they are highly embarrassing, the longest being around two hundred pages loosely based on the Stargate SG-1 series and its fictional Universe.
The unfinished stories perhaps to me are the most interesting, not only for the potential they still hold but for the reasons they were never finished. For you see, they were not abandoned out of procrastination not where they abandoned out of lack of motivation. No, the majority were abandoned for another reason. I write best when I write from experience. There are certain themes that follow through within my stories and there are certain themes that time and again once confronted come to nothing. By this I mean I can not write what I have not experienced and as for imagination mine is only limited to dreaming up scenarios that would never or could never happen. When realism or reality in general are confronted I cannot imagine how things would be.
Love is a key theme perhaps the greatest of all the themes that poses a barrier to me. I have been in love with many people, some in an amicable way while others have and remain to be in a truly amorous way. There are a few people I truly love and at one point or another I would have been with if I had the chance. Of all these people though I have consigned myself to the reality that it will never happen, for some of these people that means if they ever asked, despite the depth and profundity of the emotions I feel for them I could never be with them. There in lies my literary problem. In all that I have experienced I have never experienced loving another and them loving me in return and the two of us being together. I have experienced reciprocal love, to love another and have them love you in return, but I have never been with someone in a relationship, in a commitment, living together and because of this I cannot write about these themes in a way that is believable, neither to you the reader nor to I.
Before I close this post I must make one final mention and that is of the stories that are lost. There have been stories I have written, finished to their ends which have then been lost. One or two were genuinely lost out of carelessness, reformatting CDs, USB drives or Hard Drives before realising that those stories were actually on them. Others however were not truly 'lost' but rather 'purged'. They are stories which I wrote and then deleted, for whatever reason. Some touched too closely on personal issues, others were written as a form of self-therapy, and some were deleted simply because my opinion of them later changed to something quite negative. I have moved away from this purging mentality, there are some posts on this blog, short stories included that I considered deleting but I have thus far resisted. Old habits die hard however and I have been tempted more so of late.
Beyond this blog you read I also write for my own private amusement. Most of this I would share although there really is no rhyme nor reason to those writings. There are several stories which I started to write but never finished, some have only a chapter and others have thirty or forty pages. Then there are the FanFic pieces, these I assure you I will never share as they are highly embarrassing, the longest being around two hundred pages loosely based on the Stargate SG-1 series and its fictional Universe.
The unfinished stories perhaps to me are the most interesting, not only for the potential they still hold but for the reasons they were never finished. For you see, they were not abandoned out of procrastination not where they abandoned out of lack of motivation. No, the majority were abandoned for another reason. I write best when I write from experience. There are certain themes that follow through within my stories and there are certain themes that time and again once confronted come to nothing. By this I mean I can not write what I have not experienced and as for imagination mine is only limited to dreaming up scenarios that would never or could never happen. When realism or reality in general are confronted I cannot imagine how things would be.
Love is a key theme perhaps the greatest of all the themes that poses a barrier to me. I have been in love with many people, some in an amicable way while others have and remain to be in a truly amorous way. There are a few people I truly love and at one point or another I would have been with if I had the chance. Of all these people though I have consigned myself to the reality that it will never happen, for some of these people that means if they ever asked, despite the depth and profundity of the emotions I feel for them I could never be with them. There in lies my literary problem. In all that I have experienced I have never experienced loving another and them loving me in return and the two of us being together. I have experienced reciprocal love, to love another and have them love you in return, but I have never been with someone in a relationship, in a commitment, living together and because of this I cannot write about these themes in a way that is believable, neither to you the reader nor to I.
Before I close this post I must make one final mention and that is of the stories that are lost. There have been stories I have written, finished to their ends which have then been lost. One or two were genuinely lost out of carelessness, reformatting CDs, USB drives or Hard Drives before realising that those stories were actually on them. Others however were not truly 'lost' but rather 'purged'. They are stories which I wrote and then deleted, for whatever reason. Some touched too closely on personal issues, others were written as a form of self-therapy, and some were deleted simply because my opinion of them later changed to something quite negative. I have moved away from this purging mentality, there are some posts on this blog, short stories included that I considered deleting but I have thus far resisted. Old habits die hard however and I have been tempted more so of late.
Time and Timelines
Time, in itself is a fascinating subject but an aspect of time is the concept of a time line. A line from two points in time. Point A and point B. Our lives can be viewn as a timeline with point A being our Birth and point B being the depressing antipode of that.
Although part of the inspiration for this post, I'd rather focus on the concept of a timeline in general, not just the Facebook feature.
I am 23 years old. My timeline however long it may last will be at least 23 years. While we may look to the future at times, looking to the past can be just as interesting. On this blog alone which I started in April, my personal attitude has changed a lot, my writing style varies at times, what I think about and what I chose to write about and share is just as varied. I went back on Facebook a few years to a point in my life that was turbulent to say the least. For the most part I did not recognise the person I saw in those posts. I remember the pain and the heartache the laughter and the joys from that time in my life but the mentality I must of had when writing some of those posts alludes me.
For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, before you go searching I would simply say these posts are now gone. I have deleted them. I have deleted them for one reason alone: We do not remember every thought we ever hold, we only remember those that are important to us. There was a time when I would have left all there in place and allowed myself to refer back to them to see my whole story but I have come to realise that this perhaps is not healthy. If you think about it, the fact that our minds do not remember ever single thought we ever hold, in itself is reason enough. Our past is important as it helped shape who we are but we should not live within it.
Social networking sites make it easier than ever, ironically, to make it harder than ever to forget your past. Should we remember everything? Is it wrong to forget things and "edit" your past? When we are cut our bodies heal, most scars fade with time and wounds can become such that one would never know they were there. If our Body and Mind have evolved to the point where only the deepest of cuts and the most emphatic of memories stay with us then why should we not take the same approach to our lives?
I have Facebook and I have Twitter and in both cases I have never gone back through my timelines and re-read all that was there. I worry that the generations that grow up with Facebook a part of their life from a young age will one day use it in such a way that causes them great sadness or pain. It is one thing to recall the conversations you shared with the one you loved, who no longer loves you - it is another to go back and read those words in black and white. The mind greys our memories, sharp words become blunt and the detail fades; with technology recalling every character in perfect clarity an innocent message, triviality, mundane day to day events can become so emotional. With technology the shards of glass stay sharp forever more.
I am from a generation that is a hybrid, between old ways and new ways, between off-line and on-line, a generation of transition. I wonder how those who know nothing but new ways will cope when their every moment is presented to them. Will the day come when Facebook timelines of some profiles have 'black-holes', gaps in time where all posts that remind them of a time of turmoil are purged?
Then what about timelines as wholes, when they cross, when people meet. I like to share a quote with people, "Once you have met me you'll never forget me" - these words are not my own, they are the words of another, a guy that I will never forget for many reasons, but after all these years now I have to question this quote. It may indeed be true, once you have met me, you will never forget me, but is that the way it should be? For some people I have met I do have to wonder if, some things, should be forgotten.
Although part of the inspiration for this post, I'd rather focus on the concept of a timeline in general, not just the Facebook feature.
I am 23 years old. My timeline however long it may last will be at least 23 years. While we may look to the future at times, looking to the past can be just as interesting. On this blog alone which I started in April, my personal attitude has changed a lot, my writing style varies at times, what I think about and what I chose to write about and share is just as varied. I went back on Facebook a few years to a point in my life that was turbulent to say the least. For the most part I did not recognise the person I saw in those posts. I remember the pain and the heartache the laughter and the joys from that time in my life but the mentality I must of had when writing some of those posts alludes me.
For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, before you go searching I would simply say these posts are now gone. I have deleted them. I have deleted them for one reason alone: We do not remember every thought we ever hold, we only remember those that are important to us. There was a time when I would have left all there in place and allowed myself to refer back to them to see my whole story but I have come to realise that this perhaps is not healthy. If you think about it, the fact that our minds do not remember ever single thought we ever hold, in itself is reason enough. Our past is important as it helped shape who we are but we should not live within it.
Social networking sites make it easier than ever, ironically, to make it harder than ever to forget your past. Should we remember everything? Is it wrong to forget things and "edit" your past? When we are cut our bodies heal, most scars fade with time and wounds can become such that one would never know they were there. If our Body and Mind have evolved to the point where only the deepest of cuts and the most emphatic of memories stay with us then why should we not take the same approach to our lives?
I have Facebook and I have Twitter and in both cases I have never gone back through my timelines and re-read all that was there. I worry that the generations that grow up with Facebook a part of their life from a young age will one day use it in such a way that causes them great sadness or pain. It is one thing to recall the conversations you shared with the one you loved, who no longer loves you - it is another to go back and read those words in black and white. The mind greys our memories, sharp words become blunt and the detail fades; with technology recalling every character in perfect clarity an innocent message, triviality, mundane day to day events can become so emotional. With technology the shards of glass stay sharp forever more.
I am from a generation that is a hybrid, between old ways and new ways, between off-line and on-line, a generation of transition. I wonder how those who know nothing but new ways will cope when their every moment is presented to them. Will the day come when Facebook timelines of some profiles have 'black-holes', gaps in time where all posts that remind them of a time of turmoil are purged?
Then what about timelines as wholes, when they cross, when people meet. I like to share a quote with people, "Once you have met me you'll never forget me" - these words are not my own, they are the words of another, a guy that I will never forget for many reasons, but after all these years now I have to question this quote. It may indeed be true, once you have met me, you will never forget me, but is that the way it should be? For some people I have met I do have to wonder if, some things, should be forgotten.
A New Challenge for January
To celebrate January and the beginning of 2012 I have decided to do another Challenge series. For those of you that see this is a cop out to content creation, I actually have a tonne of posts in draft but none that I think I want to share at this time.
Instead, I have decided to do another 30 day challenge, this one isn't like the others though, there are no titles to be met or questions to be answered. There is a single recurring theme for one month that all 30 posts will share. January will be "30 Days of Funny" + A final summary post on the 31st including a Youtube playlist link to all 30 videos. I will create a post every day devoted to a comedian, a TV Show, a Youtuber, Sketch show etc all of which meet one requirement: I have to find it funny. Some shows and comedians may feature more than once for different reasons.
I already have a short-list of sketches, shows and TV moments lined up, but if you would like to introduce anyone or anything to me, please go ahead and I may feature it in the challenge, or even in the Summary post where no doubt I will mention others worthy of note that didn't make it to the short-list.
Posts in the next few weeks may be scarce as I am busy with Christmas Frivolity and I have much to do. I will most likely post before the new year, but if not, then Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year to all!
Instead, I have decided to do another 30 day challenge, this one isn't like the others though, there are no titles to be met or questions to be answered. There is a single recurring theme for one month that all 30 posts will share. January will be "30 Days of Funny" + A final summary post on the 31st including a Youtube playlist link to all 30 videos. I will create a post every day devoted to a comedian, a TV Show, a Youtuber, Sketch show etc all of which meet one requirement: I have to find it funny. Some shows and comedians may feature more than once for different reasons.
I already have a short-list of sketches, shows and TV moments lined up, but if you would like to introduce anyone or anything to me, please go ahead and I may feature it in the challenge, or even in the Summary post where no doubt I will mention others worthy of note that didn't make it to the short-list.
Posts in the next few weeks may be scarce as I am busy with Christmas Frivolity and I have much to do. I will most likely post before the new year, but if not, then Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year to all!
All Debts Shall Be Repaid
The jaws of life close around his heart
Piercing the flesh in the name of art
The blood spills and stains the ground
Yet he endures the pain without a sound
Falling down onto his knees
The only word he spoke was please
No mercy was shown to the thief of fire
An eternity sentenced in which he shall mire
Play with fire and you will get burned
Lest ye not forget what is give is returned
In this world we live one thing is true
Be careful my friend of what comes back on you
Nothing we take is ever free
A solemn truth this will always be
For no matter how long the creditor shall bay
Thy debts incurred you will have to repay
Here in these lines of rhyme
A message so hidden will clear in time
I am not a creditor I do not loan
But I have sat aside heaven's throne
I entrust my soul to a higher power
One present in my light and darkest hour
By his hand all will be made right
In the glory of the day and the dead of night
Piercing the flesh in the name of art
The blood spills and stains the ground
Yet he endures the pain without a sound
Falling down onto his knees
The only word he spoke was please
No mercy was shown to the thief of fire
An eternity sentenced in which he shall mire
Play with fire and you will get burned
Lest ye not forget what is give is returned
In this world we live one thing is true
Be careful my friend of what comes back on you
Nothing we take is ever free
A solemn truth this will always be
For no matter how long the creditor shall bay
Thy debts incurred you will have to repay
Here in these lines of rhyme
A message so hidden will clear in time
I am not a creditor I do not loan
But I have sat aside heaven's throne
I entrust my soul to a higher power
One present in my light and darkest hour
By his hand all will be made right
In the glory of the day and the dead of night
If you could take a pill . . .
This question is often posed with various scenarios at play "If you could take a pill . . ."; as a gay man perhaps the most common put to me is "If you could take a pill to make you straight would you take it?" and my reply is usually no. I am quite happy with my sexuality, it is the way I was born and the way I will stay. The second most common perhaps for me personally would be "If you could take a pill to fix your Nystagmus, would you?", with that I am not so sure. My first response would be no. If I was going to take it I would need 100% certain without a doubt guarantee that it would be permanent and could never revert otherwise the possible scenarios aren't pretty.
A relatively short blog post this, I just wanted to throw the question out there. Every day we develop new drugs for various things, so I would like to turn the question round to everyone out there. If you could take a pill to change one thing about you, permanently without any chance of reversing the effect, what would you change and why? or why not?
A relatively short blog post this, I just wanted to throw the question out there. Every day we develop new drugs for various things, so I would like to turn the question round to everyone out there. If you could take a pill to change one thing about you, permanently without any chance of reversing the effect, what would you change and why? or why not?
People are confusing
I have heard many straight guys say that women are complicated. Equally I have heard many straight women say that guys are complicated. I am yet to have a lesbian confirm that they find women complicated but as a gay man I can honestly say that guys are complicated.
We are all complicated when it comes to relationships. I can honestly say as a gay man, being a man myself gives me absolutely no insight or better understanding of guys when it comes to relationships. People are just complicated in love.
Psychology is a fascinating subject for me, and one thing that has become clearer the more I learn is that when emotions are detached and only logic is involved our every action can be predicted our every thought etc but as soon as any degree of emotion is involved the books go out the window and it is anyone's game.
Our behaviour is predictable to the point where people like Derren Brown can perform cringe-worthy magic tricks such as his knives and cups game. A game involving several down turned paper cups on the floor under two there is a knife and under one a live mouse and under the rest, nothing. A subject is shown, in Derren's absence which cups the knives are under and the mouse. Then Derren, guided round the room and working only with the subject who has been told to give nothing away, he proceeds to stamp with considerable force on each cup one by one. Without 100% certainty in the subjects behaviour there would be a very real chance of an impaled foot. Of course there is no real danger as our behaviour is completely predictable to the point where the trick ends with 3 cups surviving each being a cup one would not want to squash.
Going back to the subject of the post, as soon as any degree of emotion becomes involved we become irrational people we do unreasonable things and ultimately become unpredictable. All this results in you or I [many times in my case] ending up with a head spinning like a Dreidle at Hanukkah. Unfortunately I am not immune to this observance. I am after all human, and subject to all the same quirks as everyone. I know from experience that I can be unpredictable when any degree of emotion is involved, all sense of logic and all manner of conscience as to what you should and should not say is discarded and I say and do things that are probably not in my best interest. The truly frustrating thing? Even though you know this, and you are aware that you do it, you can't help yourself. Our hearts override our heads when any degree of emotion is concerned. I guess the point I am trying to make is that regretting actions or words in these scenarios is a behaviour controlled by your mind, whereas the actual event was controlled by your heart.
You should never feel regret in your mind for something you said or did caught up in the moment, your mind will treat it as something it thinks it could have prevented and you can vow never to do it again but in reality when the scenario presents itself again, you will likely take the same action, regardless of the thoughts you had after the last time - up until the point where you detach your emotions from the situation and treat it as something entirely logical. However, what is love or indeed life, without emotion? If you feel no emotion at all, then are you not dead inside?
We are all complicated when it comes to relationships. I can honestly say as a gay man, being a man myself gives me absolutely no insight or better understanding of guys when it comes to relationships. People are just complicated in love.
Psychology is a fascinating subject for me, and one thing that has become clearer the more I learn is that when emotions are detached and only logic is involved our every action can be predicted our every thought etc but as soon as any degree of emotion is involved the books go out the window and it is anyone's game.
Our behaviour is predictable to the point where people like Derren Brown can perform cringe-worthy magic tricks such as his knives and cups game. A game involving several down turned paper cups on the floor under two there is a knife and under one a live mouse and under the rest, nothing. A subject is shown, in Derren's absence which cups the knives are under and the mouse. Then Derren, guided round the room and working only with the subject who has been told to give nothing away, he proceeds to stamp with considerable force on each cup one by one. Without 100% certainty in the subjects behaviour there would be a very real chance of an impaled foot. Of course there is no real danger as our behaviour is completely predictable to the point where the trick ends with 3 cups surviving each being a cup one would not want to squash.
Going back to the subject of the post, as soon as any degree of emotion becomes involved we become irrational people we do unreasonable things and ultimately become unpredictable. All this results in you or I [many times in my case] ending up with a head spinning like a Dreidle at Hanukkah. Unfortunately I am not immune to this observance. I am after all human, and subject to all the same quirks as everyone. I know from experience that I can be unpredictable when any degree of emotion is involved, all sense of logic and all manner of conscience as to what you should and should not say is discarded and I say and do things that are probably not in my best interest. The truly frustrating thing? Even though you know this, and you are aware that you do it, you can't help yourself. Our hearts override our heads when any degree of emotion is concerned. I guess the point I am trying to make is that regretting actions or words in these scenarios is a behaviour controlled by your mind, whereas the actual event was controlled by your heart.
You should never feel regret in your mind for something you said or did caught up in the moment, your mind will treat it as something it thinks it could have prevented and you can vow never to do it again but in reality when the scenario presents itself again, you will likely take the same action, regardless of the thoughts you had after the last time - up until the point where you detach your emotions from the situation and treat it as something entirely logical. However, what is love or indeed life, without emotion? If you feel no emotion at all, then are you not dead inside?
I don't want the Flu, I want you!
Oh how I hate, I hate you,
Nothing more than the common old flu,
You make me feel so weak and tired,
Drowning in water that I have perspired.
Wrapped up all warm and rosy,
I snuggle in bed with my covers all cosy,
Yet I still feel cold, no matter what I do,
Oh how I hate, I hate the flu.
There is little left, no other choice,
Swallowing lozenges to save my voice,
Doctor Doctor can I please have some drugs,
And from that special guy can I have some hugs?
Hug Me Hug Me, Hold me tight,
So that my dreams can be peaceful tonight,
I feel on top of the world when I'm lost in your arms,
Just one smile and I'll succumb to your charms
Nothing more than the common old flu,
You make me feel so weak and tired,
Drowning in water that I have perspired.
Wrapped up all warm and rosy,
I snuggle in bed with my covers all cosy,
Yet I still feel cold, no matter what I do,
Oh how I hate, I hate the flu.
There is little left, no other choice,
Swallowing lozenges to save my voice,
Doctor Doctor can I please have some drugs,
And from that special guy can I have some hugs?
Hug Me Hug Me, Hold me tight,
So that my dreams can be peaceful tonight,
I feel on top of the world when I'm lost in your arms,
Just one smile and I'll succumb to your charms
A Hero to Me
Hero n. A person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her lifeThere are very few people I would idolise or even deem worthy of the title Hero. I would not be one to attach it to people in history that I have never met and I would certainly not be one to attach it to celebrities and the like. To me the heroes in my life are the people I know who do great things, people who I admire and look up to.
There is one person in particular to me who is a Hero, we went to school together and in that time I never heard him say a bad word against anyone. He has never wronged me and he is quite selfless. Sometimes I think he worries about others too much but the paradox there is that he has always been there for me when I needed him and if he didn't care for others the way he did he might not have been. I have strived to be there for him when he needed me and provide the help and support he asks for. He is one of my closest friends and I think he knows I would do anything for him.
Beyond my selfish little world there are many things he has done that in my eyes warrant the title of Hero. The first and foremost however and the reason for this post is his choice of career. In my regards the title of Hero I think extends beyond him to every man and woman who follows his career path. He is a fireman.
He knew from a young age what career he would eventually want to pursue, and while many of us probably dreamt of the idea of being a fireman among other things, with most people the novelty wears off with age. It takes a special kind of someone who is willing to devote their lives to this job. They don't do it for the glory and they don't set out to be heroes, most firemen you will meet are quite humble in their work. The thing to me that makes them heroes is the fact that in their jobs they could die, they know this, it is a very real risk, yet they put that aside and set out to save lives. No-one wants to die, but to be prepared to put your life on the line, even sacrifice that life so that others may live is the most noble thing I believe anyone can do.
He is a hero to me. As is everyone who follows his profession. I would also regard Ambulance drivers and Paramedics as heroes too but I will devote a separate post to that in time.
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