I am a cynical person. I admit that openly. I am the person I have become through the experiences I have had in life. Increasingly I am feeling the bitter taste of rejection. I did get down over it but that was short lived, the sadness has been replaced with anger, not borne of rage but borne of the animosity for those that think they know what is best for you.
I am 25 years old and I think it is incredibly patronising to think you can judge 25 years of experience in 15 minutes. I also think it is insulting when people tell you that you are "the perfect candidate" and then reject you anyway. "There was nothing more you could have done, we've just gone with someone else" - actual feedback I received on an interview.
Paranoia is a sickly thing, more so when that paranoia is based on assumptions you have no way of proving or disproving.
I am gay - I do not know how obvious that is to other people who meet me, I have no way of knowing as everyone I know, knows I am gay so their responses are biased.
I have a disability - I know this one at least is visible when you meet me.
I am a man - something we in the western world like to be told is an advantage in gaining employment and that its harder for women to get a job, I honestly don't know how true that is though.
I am young - this is obvious and there's nothing I can do about it, I can't grow old quicker.
There are 4 points about me, some obvious some maybe not so - they often play on my mind as reasons for rejection - the trouble is if one or more of those reasons were the motivation behind your rejection, it's very hard to prove.
I went for an interview at a company which shall remain nameless for legal reasons, but everyone that worked for it that I came into contact was a woman. They are the company that gave the feedback that there was nothing I could have done better - feedback I had to chase the company to provide I might add. Feedback which in the process of chasing every contact I was passed on to was a woman. Was I turned down because I am a man? I don't know - could I prove it if it was the case? No probably not.
I went for another interview some time ago with a different company who I believe rejected me because of my disability. I had to chase them for feedback too not just on the initial interview but on the recruitment process I made it through. In the end the feedback they gave was the same as the company above, that there was nothing more I could have done and nothing negative they had to say. I am convinced that my disability was the reason I was rejected. How do I prove that? I can't.
I went for another interview with another different company, this one was 2 days ago. I received a rejection today and received feedback which was tantamount to "you would be wasted in this company, you can do better" - that right there is perhaps the most infuriating response I have had to date - someone that knows and recognises the barriers that you face but then turns around and raises the same barriers. I'm not getting any younger, and when a company won't even accept you for an entry level position it really is frustrating, so frustrating.
Tempting Fate
It's October 25th, and although there are still 5 days left in this month - a lot can happen in 5 days - I can't help but feel like I owe an apology to it. That may sound crazy and I hold my hands up and admit that freely; but a few days into this month I called it Cuntober. I called it that because I've had a few bad Octobers in my life and so have my family.
For me personally I've had financial burdens dumped on me - something that repeated itself this year. People have died in my family in Octobers past - again something that repeated itself this year with the passing of my Great Uncle a few days ago. I've had heartaches, lost people who I thought would be in my life forever but for various reasons we parted ways, some happily, some not so much.
The start of this month wasn't good and I was bracing myself for a month of Hell because that's what we do when we have bad experiences in our past - we let them influence our present and dictate our future. For all that has happened though, this month hasn't been the worst. Therein lies the tempting fate - I do not want to jinx myself but this month has thrown hurdles at me as the previous Octobers did too but one thing has changed - my reactions. Last October was deeply depressing for me when I got a job and then lost it in the blink of an eye. The year before I parted ways with someone I wanted to be in my life forever. That really choked me up at the time, partly because I thought he was amazing but mainly because he was there at a time when I really needed someone. Thankfully we're still in touch and it doesn't hurt to know that he's happy which is such a big thing for me. If you know me at all the one thing you will never protest is that all I want from and for the people in my life is for them to be happy.
My reactions have changed though. Maybe you can call that maturity, or maybe you can call it unbridled cynicism, whatever it is though I think it's positive. At least for me it is. I'm dealing with things in a much more productive way.
October this year has not been rosy. A lot has happened that I am not happy about. I will be glad when this month is over so I can move on but the idea that I can harbour resentment towards something as arbitrary as a date range on a calendar now seems to be so infantile. I know I am not alone though. I know this month has kicked a few people in the nuts too - and to them I wish that things get better, I wish I could do more but I can't. There have been a few positives in this month for me, one or two were short lived though, and there are still potentials. The potentials could go either way though, so ask me in a week how the month went and I'll let you know but for now I'm trying to focus on whatever I can salvage.
For me personally I've had financial burdens dumped on me - something that repeated itself this year. People have died in my family in Octobers past - again something that repeated itself this year with the passing of my Great Uncle a few days ago. I've had heartaches, lost people who I thought would be in my life forever but for various reasons we parted ways, some happily, some not so much.
The start of this month wasn't good and I was bracing myself for a month of Hell because that's what we do when we have bad experiences in our past - we let them influence our present and dictate our future. For all that has happened though, this month hasn't been the worst. Therein lies the tempting fate - I do not want to jinx myself but this month has thrown hurdles at me as the previous Octobers did too but one thing has changed - my reactions. Last October was deeply depressing for me when I got a job and then lost it in the blink of an eye. The year before I parted ways with someone I wanted to be in my life forever. That really choked me up at the time, partly because I thought he was amazing but mainly because he was there at a time when I really needed someone. Thankfully we're still in touch and it doesn't hurt to know that he's happy which is such a big thing for me. If you know me at all the one thing you will never protest is that all I want from and for the people in my life is for them to be happy.
My reactions have changed though. Maybe you can call that maturity, or maybe you can call it unbridled cynicism, whatever it is though I think it's positive. At least for me it is. I'm dealing with things in a much more productive way.
October this year has not been rosy. A lot has happened that I am not happy about. I will be glad when this month is over so I can move on but the idea that I can harbour resentment towards something as arbitrary as a date range on a calendar now seems to be so infantile. I know I am not alone though. I know this month has kicked a few people in the nuts too - and to them I wish that things get better, I wish I could do more but I can't. There have been a few positives in this month for me, one or two were short lived though, and there are still potentials. The potentials could go either way though, so ask me in a week how the month went and I'll let you know but for now I'm trying to focus on whatever I can salvage.
The Speed Of Time
They say time flies when you're having fun and that it drags when you're bored out of your mind or when you're waiting for something - like a package being delivered. The last week or so time has really been dragging for me, which is frustrating because this year to date has literally flown by for me. I have to question whether it has really been ten months already but it has, and I know the C word is dreaded but Christmas will be here before you know it. So it's incredibly frustrating that time has to slow down now!
There are a few things I am waiting for, the next week or so will be quite busy for me but for all I have to do, a lot of it I really would like to get over and done with pretty quickly. If time really does slow down when we want it to speed up, and speeds up when we want it to slow down, then why can't we just want the opposite in order to make it happen? How is it that our perception knows when we are sincere in which we want - more than that if we ultimately get the thing we want least, does that apply to other parts of our lives?
I've wrote about The Secret before on this blog and said that I know how it works but there are moments like this that make me doubt that judgement and question whether that hokum has some truth to it. I am in no way converted in making this admission I still think it's a load but still most bull shit has some basis in truth.
There are a few things I am waiting for, the next week or so will be quite busy for me but for all I have to do, a lot of it I really would like to get over and done with pretty quickly. If time really does slow down when we want it to speed up, and speeds up when we want it to slow down, then why can't we just want the opposite in order to make it happen? How is it that our perception knows when we are sincere in which we want - more than that if we ultimately get the thing we want least, does that apply to other parts of our lives?
I've wrote about The Secret before on this blog and said that I know how it works but there are moments like this that make me doubt that judgement and question whether that hokum has some truth to it. I am in no way converted in making this admission I still think it's a load but still most bull shit has some basis in truth.
Silence and Patience
You open your mouth but no sound escapes, the lyrics you mouth speak volumes that would shatter even the coldest heart of stone, yet the words that no-one hears are not silenced by the hand of another but by your own. Silence is your friend, you have known him all your life he has offered you protection, promises of a life worth living and above all else, peace. He has whispered sweet nothings in your ear that no-one else can hear, with a voice that carries no sound. He seduces you, enticing you with everything in life you desire. His brother, Patience, stands behind you, forever in the corner of your eye, never in your direct line of sight, you feel his embrace, but it is not one of love it is one of control. He binds your hands and holds you in place, Silence lies in front of you, Patience behind.
They are weak. One word is all it takes to break them both, one word brings Silence to his knees while Patience cowers, trembling at your sight as you look down upon him and see him for what he really is. Silence and Patience pray upon you, keeping you in your place, rooted to the ground where you can do no harm to their world. Their world it is true holds everything you desire, but they never intended to share it with you, your place was set in stone, there you would stand for all eternity.
Strength comes from within, and power comes from your voice, when you learn to use it then you will inherit the power to change the world. The world was never changed through patience and silence, for they breed complacency and conservation, to which change is orthogonal.
They are weak. One word is all it takes to break them both, one word brings Silence to his knees while Patience cowers, trembling at your sight as you look down upon him and see him for what he really is. Silence and Patience pray upon you, keeping you in your place, rooted to the ground where you can do no harm to their world. Their world it is true holds everything you desire, but they never intended to share it with you, your place was set in stone, there you would stand for all eternity.
Strength comes from within, and power comes from your voice, when you learn to use it then you will inherit the power to change the world. The world was never changed through patience and silence, for they breed complacency and conservation, to which change is orthogonal.
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