That Doesn't Make Sense

When you ask someone why they did something, and they give their reasons, it's second nature to evaluate those reasons based on our own beliefs, desires, and intentions, and draw our own conclusions as to whether or not that reasoning makes sense, whether it is logical to us, and ultimately whether or not we believe their reasons are valid.  The trouble with this approach to understanding other peoples' actions is that it doesn't lead to understanding at all, this is because you are still looking at the situation from your own perspective, not theirs.

If someone gives you reasoning for their actions and that reasoning does not make sense to you, and therefore does not seem valid to you, it's important to recognise that's because it doesn't make sense to you with your thought processes.  I wrote in the past about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] and about the way in which beliefs are developed in our mind - to be clear this is about the general concept of beliefs not specific beliefs, this isn't about politics, or religion, or social justice in particular, although the same process governs the development of those beliefs too, it's important to assert here that the word "belief" literally means anything at all that you believe to be true, regardless of the reality.

When I spoke about CBT one of the things I wrote about was the idea of finding the "root" of a belief by successive questioning, in an attempt to understand how that belief grew over time and subsequently expose foundations that are no longer valid - like a cartoon tower where the lower floors have been removed but the tower still stands because gravity hasn't taken effect until the characters realise they are missing, this is the effect of finding the root of your beliefs, what once may have seemed obvious and self evident to you may now be illogical given what you now know.

To bring this back to the original point, when you want to understand why people say and do the things they do, if you ask them and they give a reason, regardless of whether you believe that reason is valid, accept that is what they believe, accept that they are telling you what they believe, not what you should believe, but what they believe or what they believed at the time - because once you do that then you can start to address the real issue which is picking apart the reasons why they came to those conclusions in the first place. 

It's also important to realise that people who go through the work involved with therapy and introspection to this extent will inevitably expose their own misguided and malformed beliefs, they will realise when things they believed to be true were actually wrong - you have to acknowledge the context of what they believed at the time as well as what they now realise.  If you dismiss what they believed at the time and force their past actions to be framed by their current state of mind then you create a false dichotomy.  You also have to be open to the possibility that their belief might prove to be convincing to you or make sense to you once you learn more about it, rather than resisting anything that you perceive may challenge your beliefs.

When people tell you who they think they are, how they see themselves, believe them, even if the reality of what you perceive is different from their perception, it is important to recognise the way they see it, only then can you have any hope of getting them to realise why those beliefs aren't reflected by their actions.  If you fail to recognise their beliefs, their point of view, their motivation, and their intentions, then you will never succeed in getting them to alter their behaviour, the reason CBT works is because it gives context to our thought processes but those thought processes have to be the foundation you build upon, if it is crumbling then it needs to be repaired, you cannot swap one belief system for another and expect it to be accepted, trying to do that will likely lead to rejection unless those belief systems are already very close to begin with.

The point I am making here is that their reasons don't have to make sense to you, they don't even have to be valid to you, because those values are determined by your perspective, not theirs.  This isn't about whether it makes sense to you, it's about whether it makes sense to them.  So if someone gives you their reasons and your first response is "That doesn't make sense" - that's the point, you already realise that, because of what you know and what you believe, if you want them to understand your point of view and why you think it doesn't make sense then you're going to have to be able to communicate your own beliefs in return, and you might feel that you shouldn't have to, or that it's not your place, or not your job, but if that's how you feel then don't expect them to change their point of view, that attitude is likely shared by many and a huge part of why their beliefs have never been challenged before.

Ultimately this all comes down to the concept of conflict resolution, and the fact that most people don't actually want to resolve conflict they just want to engage in it - that's what you do when you make no attempt to see the other side and push forward with the belief that "I'm right, you're wrong, you need to agree with me" - the world doesn't work like that, this assertion leads to false placation, an outward projection of agreement whilst internally they still hold on to the same beliefs they had and nothing substantially changes.

Music Monday #26: Good Girl Gone Bad by Rihanna

2007 saw the release of 'Good Girl Gone Bad' by Rihanna, and for a time the lead single 'Umbrella' dominated radio stations and clubs up and down the country, there are few songs that become ubiquitous when they are released, that almost everyone knows and everyone loves, this was one of them.  It wasn't without its critics, but its success was not feigned; 'Don't Stop The Music' and 'Shut Up And Drive' went on to dominate continuing the success.  The album itself remains my favourite Rihanna album, although 'Rated R' does give it a run for its money particularly for 'Te Amo' and 'Russian Roulette' that featured on it.

Umbrella touched on something that most people yearn for, a desire to find someone who will stand by you through everything, weather every storm, and be there right by your side.  Not surprisingly when you get caught up in emotions these promises are often made in the heat of the moment but never kept.  2007 was a year of change for me, my first year of University ended and I started my second, I moved out of the Halls of Residence and into private rented accommodation, suddenly the insular community built up among the students in Halls fell apart and you got to see where friendships were sincere and where they weren't.  People drifted apart and I saw more than a few people who never spoke again to people I presumed they were close to when they lived together.  For the most part I knew how deep my friendships were and had my expectations of who would and would not try to maintain connections with me, and for the most part I was right save for a few.

What this divergence taught me however was that despite the maturity, the growth, and the new environments we were experiencing together, most people still had the same high school mentality, indeed when I spoke about this with a friend I shared a lot of music with he shared a track that's worthy of note here by Bowling For Soup called 'High School Never Ends' released in 2006 that perfectly sums up the frustration with that realisation.

Rihanna's music was pop by most definitions but it also incorporated EDM, it was this together with the lyrics that appealed to me, that and I was frequenting gay clubs at the time owing to me living with two other gay guys and a straight girl which led to quite an active social life and much more exposure to the LGBT community and Gay Scene in general.  On top of this, one of our mutual friends became the President of the LGBT Society, I became the Chief Technical Officer which was de rigeur given my major was in Computer Science and the fact that I enjoyed a degree of infamy at University, one flatmate was also the Treasurer again to be expected as he was studying Maths with Finance, and the other became the Events Coordinator which equally fit him like a glove since he was studying Music and was also a professional DJ.  If there's anything I regret from that time it would be that I didn't capitalise these connections.  Although as I have mentioned previously on this blog in one of my regular posts I generally don't have regrets because I do believe that every decision I made in the moment was based on what I wanted in that moment and what I knew in that moment, some of those decisions were stupid, some had stupid consequences but they were all decisions I made in the moment.

Shut Up And Drive was a song that grew on me, the more I began to spin out and abandon the regimental mindset I had held up until that point, the more the song resonated with me, in particular when it came to exploring my sexuality the song fit perfectly with the mindset that evolved.  The frustration with the games guys played who said they wanted commitment but never followed through, versus the pursuit of guys who were only after one thing which suited me just fine because that was all I wanted at that point.

A lot of songs remind me of moments in time, people I knew, experiences I had, but still to this day Umbrella remains one of those songs that brings everything back up all at once without warning.  It's been almost 13 years now and the emotions attached are still strong and the song itself hasn't aged a day, nor has the album for that matter.  This is definitely one of those albums I would miss if it was lost and I'd notice pretty quickly that it was gone, I still seek it out from time to time when I want to relive those moments.  It's not a good head space for me to linger in though for all that was attached to it, a bit like that song 'Frankie' by Sister Sledge it's a trip down memory lane.  Sister Sledge were legendary for the record, they didn't make this list because my love of their music is a pick and mix and I couldn't pick one album to include, but honourable mentions here go to 'When the Boys Meet the Girls' which features Frankie, as well as their 'We Are Family' album not only for the title track but also for the track 'Lost In Music' which exemplifies my relationships with music in general.

You Have Been Primed

I find it astounding, truly remarkable really, that the people who 10 years ago would have been vehemently opposed to the idea of their government tracking their every move are now openly advocating for that policy and most of those people are advocating for it in the hands of a government they hate no less.

In the wake of 9/11 both Blair and Bush pushed through a fuck load of questionable laws with limited scrutiny with the threat of terrorism hanging over people to force them into agreeing to it; now just as then that threat is real and does pose an existential risk but it is being abused by governments as a means to push through their agenda with little resistance.

If you really can't see just how much of your civil liberties you are ceding right now and just how complacent you are being then take a step back and ask yourself one simple question, if there was no pandemic at all, would you be okay with what is happening?  If the answer to that question is no, then ask yourself a few follow up questions, do you trust your government, do you trust these powers to be given up once the pandemic ends, do you trust these powers will not be abused?

The UK government openly advocated for the creation of "Covid Passports" these would be documents not for the purpose of international travel but as forms of ID for domestic travel, which would be designated a classification or certification of healthiness.  Those certified healthy would enjoy their usual civil liberties, whilst those who were not certified would be presumed to be unhealthy and would have limited civil liberties.  This is right out of a dystopian novel and this is the actual proposal of the health minister in the UK.

Make no mistake, no society can exist with a clear conscience where its people are separated into classes and have their liberties restricted based on the classification afforded to them by the government.  This is an incredibly dark concept and history has shown us exactly where this leads.

When we look back at the terrorist attacks on 9/11 and 7/7, and we look at the Iraq War, the War in Afghanistan, and all that was done by the Blair and Bush administrations there are so many things that people are angry about.  The threat of terrorism served its purpose incredibly well as a means to manipulate people and control them.  The US and UK were conditioned to accept what are now two of the most authoritative and invasive governments they have both experienced in generations.  Complacency has grown and people have been subdued and subjected to mistreatment with little recourse for those in power.  Both nations now have leaders that the majority of people in both countries hate, and would love to see gone, but the opposition to those leaders is still so fragmented that it cannot assemble with cohesion to challenge it and in the face of rising discontent there is a tidal wave of hostility that is growing with each passing day.

These government rose to power on waves of populism, it is ironic then that in their wake a second wave approaches that is so much more destructive than the first and they have absolutely no hope of controlling it without resorting to extreme measures of control.  Therein lies the risk for the citizens of both countries, as great as your anger grows to be, those in power do not go quietly, this is the preface to major conflict, this pattern has repeated itself countless times throughout history and it has never ended peacefully.

There is a war coming, whether it be ideological, or physical, or both, it is coming. 

Creative Drought

I've been experiencing what I can only describe as a creative drought over the past few days, although to be honest I think this may stem back further than those few days.  The reason I focus on the past few days more though is because I set myself a goal to complete a month on Duolingo learning Swedish - this inspired a post which will be published in a few weeks time.  That month has now passed, my goal has been achieved, and as with every momentary distraction, reality has once again set in now that it can no longer occupy my mind and serve its purpose.

There are posts scheduled on this blog for a few weeks yet; as I have mentioned before, I write posts for this blog in batches but lately that buffer of content has been narrowing and it's getting to a point now where I might actually run out of content, and that's a problem.  I realise some people will dismiss this concern and assert that quality matters more than quantity etc, and yes that is true, but that's not the problem I am talking about.  The one thing I have held true with writing is that when I continue to practice it as a hobby, as a craft, as a discipline, whatever you want to call it, then it becomes easier to do - much like exercising your muscles.  The longer you go without doing it the harder it gets to start doing it again when you eventually try - if you eventually try.

2020 has been without a doubt one of the most fucked up years of my life.  That's a strange statement for me to make because in terms of the pandemic and its impact on my life, not a lot has actually changed.  I essentially worked from home before the pandemic hit in the first place so there was no routine of commuting etc to disrupt.  I don't like social engagements as noted previously because of my social anxiety so I wasn't exactly fully booked in that regard either and to be honest having the pandemic as an infallible excuse to say 'No' to everything without judgement was actually liberating.  The only real restriction I faced was the inability to leave the house as often as I did before which in hindsight I now realise was a lot more often than I thought. 

2017 and 2018 prepared me quite well for the changes that the pandemic brought; if you haven't read my other blog or my posts that briefly mentioned this, the abridged version is that I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and received treatment designed to weaken my immune system which also meant being overly cautious about what I was exposing myself to.  I went 3 months without takeout, without leaving the house even once, and with limited interaction with people beyond my immediate family that live with me, so in many regards I had a dry-run of quarantine.  Add social anxiety, and depression, and a few other minor health problems into the mix and you've pretty much got more than enough to prepare someone for what the pandemic itself had to offer.

Beyond the pandemic however, this year has not stopped throwing things at us, to the point where it is mentally and physically exhausting.  There is so much to think about and so much to navigate through in our day to day lives that when you add in the extreme lack of coping mechanisms you reach a point where the pursuit of distraction doesn't just become a desire for a break, it becomes something of a race in and of itself.  It's like a level of Mario running through a castle while a spiked ceiling descends, your timing has to be perfect, any deviation, one falter and you end up crushed by the weight of everything.

I mentioned a few days ago on twitter that I've found myself more and more just completely zoning out and staring into space not thinking about anything at all, like my mind has completely shut down.  These moments feel like breaking points where my brain has literally given up.  The impact to my life physically and environmentally might not have been as great as it has for many others, but the weight of the mental strain has been far greater than I have been willing to admit.  I've realised too just how much denial I have been in about how heavy that weight really is, but the thing above all else that's scary about this whole experience is the fact that it's not imagined.  With most things that you build up in your mind to be this magnitude, there is usually a moment of realisation when you are given context and you can see it's not as bad as you thought it was, but there is no relief here because it really is as bad as you think and in many cases it's even worse when you actually look at objective sources of information that focus on reality rather than political spin.

I am in no doubt that the UK decision to exit lockdown is not only an attempt at herd immunity despite the denials of our Government, but that every assertion is true, this is an economic decision, one that puts a bottom line before scientific advice, which shouldn't be surprising really when you look at the failings to recognise the risks of climate change among many other things that have been ignored for decades.  Beyond this though, other countries that exited lockdown have been experiencing spikes in the rate of infection and the global death toll continues to rise.  The Johns Hopkins University Covid-19 Dashboard shows the number of new cases daily is rising not falling.

Without having that moment of relief where you realise things aren't as bad as they seem, life gets very dark.  It's clear to see that one of the reasons the Government wants to pretend everything is normal is because they want people to believe it is, I'm not convinced this is in anyone's interest.  Denial and repression are extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms, they cause many more problems than they fix and some would argue they don't even fix those problems because you're putting a band aid on a bullet wound in essence.

When reality becomes so dark, the desire to escape it grows, but with that desire comes the inevitable blackout due to the pressure - like that moment of panic when someone asks you to name 5 animals and suddenly you forget the name of every animal that ever existed.  The demand for creativity, not a request, causes a form of mental resistance, your creative capacity short circuits and you're left staring at a blank page.  Even now the only reason I am able to write this post is because there is no creativity involved, I don't have to imagine anything, I just have to document how I am feeling and what I am thinking - incredibly frustrated, and desperately trying to imagine a realistic world that I would rather live in right now.

Google is not research

I saw an exchange on twitter a while ago where two people had an argument as to whether they should wear a mask in public or not in response to the Covid-19 pandemic.  One person advocated their use as the Centre for Disease Control [CDC] recommended they be worn in public, and the counter argument came from someone who had asserted their own research via Google et al had concluded that wearing a mask had no impact on whether or not you would catch the virus.  For the record both arguments actually have merits in that masks help you prevent spreading the virus but do little to stop you catching it unless they also cover your eyes and are paired with PPE but that is not the focus here.

Instead the focus here is that the advocate of the CDC's advice made a salient point in reply, that was that the CDC is a body whose entire purpose is to research infectious diseases and has a budget in the order of billions to do so, you aren't going to be able to match their focus and depth with an hour on Google performing your own "research" as it were.  This did however highlight something I have thought for some time and that is that Google really has a lot to answer for when it comes to misinformation.  Politics aside for a moment there is one major problem more than any other when it comes to Google as a search engine and that is the belief that what you find is the correct answer to whatever question you asked, when in reality you simply found *an* answer, not necessarily *the* answer.

This is a very important distinction to make - for 99.9% of the things you use Google to find, what is returned is what is the most popular result weighted not only by page views but also the amount of sites that are associated with it.  Google makes no attempt to ensure that what you find is accurate, or true for that matter, and I'm going beyond the difference between Objective and Subjective truths which I have discussed in the past, this comes down to the simple question of whether Google has provided any verification of what is returned and the answer is simply no, it has not.

I say this applies to 99.9% of what you search for also for another simple reason, sometimes Google controls what you see, not just through the use of its algorithm but explicitly through the use of search result pages that are designed for a specific purpose.  Since the Covid-19 pandemic for example searching for "Covid-19", "Coronavirus", or other related terms brings you to a dashboard designed by Google to show you information about the pandemic, this combines automated feeds, curated content, and the usual search results as ordered by Google's algorithm below with lesser prominence.

This is welcome but it highlights the problem more than ever before - that Google had to specifically intervene in this case to ensure people found information that was accurate when they searched rather than being left to the luck of the draw with the algorithm as to what they would find.  I say 'luck' but in reality there's very little random chance incorporated here, the algorithm is quite easy to manipulate and entire fields of study are devoted to Search Engine Optimisation to increase your ranking in the search results.

Nevertheless this intervention shows that Google is aware of what it is doing and that raises the question of why it doesn't intervene elsewhere.  When people "do their own research" like those that argued with CDC advice, Google is the first place they will turn and whilst the consequences of this for most things are insignificant if not frustrating at least, when it comes to providing information that literally impacts the lives of others and potentially whether they live or die, one can argue Google's intransigence borders on negligence.

I've mentioned before how much I hated one of my lecturers at University who was fond of telling people to Google everything, inflamed by the fact I paid £3,000 a year in tuition, which is now £9,000 a year which is even worse - Google does not teach, the same reason it is a poor substitute for someone who actually knows what they are talking about is the same reason it is a poor source of accuracy when it comes to vital information, there is no verification of the information it delivers, and further still there is no attempt made whatsoever to ensure you actually understand that information once conveyed.

People want a simple answer to every question and that is problematic when you have complex questions and complicated situations, a truly viable source of information would not only be able to identify this but would also be able to offer simplified questions that can be given simple answers in an attempt to understand what the person is actually looking for.  Beyond the pandemic this problem has so many ramifications it's quite scary if you actually stop and think about how omnipotent Google has become and how much that misconception is that it is also omniscient.

So the next time someone tells you to Google something just reply, tell them the reason you asked them is because you thought they might know, if they don't then they just have to say they don't know, and then seek out someone who does or at the very least don't blindly accept one source of information as true, seek out others that can corroborate the information you find.

Music Monday #25: Pink Friday by Nicki Minaj

"To live doesn't mean you're alive"
- 'Moment 4 Life' - Nicki Minaj

I graduated University in 2009, London was an expensive place to live and without a graduate job it wasn't practical or even feasible for me to stay, I reluctantly came back to Northern Ireland.  The plan originally was to move back to it, save money, clear down some of the debt I had amassed going through University and to eventually return.  Spoiler alert, that didn't happen.  Debt is a trap and once you get into it getting out of it again is very hard.  On top of that moving from a place with more employment opportunities to a place with less opportunity even if it was for financial reasons probably wasn't the best decision to make.

Nicki Minaj released 'Pink Friday' in 2010, a year and a half after my graduation I was spiralling down once more into darkness.  Pink Friday served as a pick-me-up, an album that give me energy when I had none.  From high energy tracks like 'Super Bass' on the deluxe edition that I own through to mellow reflective tracks like 'Save Me' and 'Moment 4 Life' this album give me a lot to think about and a lot to feel.  Moment 4 Life in particular with its lyrics that touch on the distinction between being alive and actually having a life hit a little too close to home as I was increasingly feeling like I was just living for the sake of living with no direction and no plan in life with nothing of substance to hold onto.  Save Me in particular touched on the feeling of hopelessness with the spoken lyrics interspersed "It feels like I've been drivin' for miles, And I can't seem to silence these voices in my head" if you've ever struggled with depression or anxiety you can probable relate to the negative feedback loop that takes hold where no amount of logic or reason can talk yourself out of the head space where self deprecation turns into self destruction.

The track I relate to most now is one that grew on me over the years, 'Dear Old Nicki' because I've lived this life where you strive as you climb up that hill but bit by bit you lose the parts of yourself that got you to the top, this struggle is also the premise of Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann if you identify with it too you should give it a read.  Dear Old Nicki is essentially a love letter Nicki wrote to her former self trying to reconnect with her, this is something I have been working on, in particular if you have read the series of posts relating to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] on this blog you'll be aware to an extent of the journey I have been on to try and undo some of the damage that climb has caused to me.  Trying to reconnect with a younger more innocent sense of self that was raw as Nicki puts it, is something that isn't easy.  Innocence once lost is incredibly hard to find again, it was always something I maintained could never be recovered but CBT has encouraged me to put that belief to the test and figure out why I believe that is true.  Dear Old Nicki is about reconciling growth and sacrifice with our sense of self in the pursuit of confidence that the price was worth it.

Like the Valley Of The Dolls, the lyrics "But you was underground, and I was mainstream, I live the life now, that we would daydream, My only wish is, you come enjoy it with me" these lyrics epitomise the feeling of achieving what you set out but feeling incomplete in the end because you feel like you didn't make it there in one piece, it isn't what it was promised to be, you can't enjoy it for what it is because it's not what you thought it would be and you still hold on to that image.  This is something that I have struggled with in life, I find myself saying "I'll be happy when..." too often and I know that "when" will never come because if you happiness is always predicated then you will never experience it as one predication gives way to another, true happiness in this regard can only be found in the moment when you can make peace with where you are and what you have, which can be difficult if both of those things cause you misery.

Depth isn't something most people associate with Nicki Minaj but I've had conversations with people where I have slipped in her lyrics in passing and they've reacted with awe at the profundity only to be taken aback when I reveal the source.  This to me identifies a major problem with music taste, it can be inherently racist, and it can be prejudiced to the point where people actively avoid entire genres and styles of music giving no merit to it because they write it off without ever giving it a chance.  This isn't just something that is specific to race, it extends to gender, and sexuality, and all manner of divisions we create between people that are ultimately human constructs nothing more.  My taste in music is defined by trying first and judging after, the same applies for food and many other sensory experiences in life.  I have a music library with genres that contrast quite sharply because I listened first and judged it for what it was not what other people tried to lead me to believe it was. 

Nicki Minaj has many tracks that go deep and I stand by that assertion, yes there are diss tracks like 'Stupid Hoe' that people immediately cite to try and contradict that assertion and all I have to say to that is that I entirely understand the frustration that builds up and needs to be vented by artists, and to reiterate it's a diss track if you don't know what that is it's not meant for you.

Also for what it's worth, if you think even the greatest music artists that fit your definition haven't created tracks that were never released that you would turn your nose up at then you're mistaken, the only difference here is that Nicki actually followed through and released it which is something I admire, there are an abundance of posts which I have written over the years for this blog and others that I have scrapped because the reaction is predictable, that's what happens when you let an audience dictate the performance, I wish I had Nicki's determination and the balls to say fuck it and put it out there for the world to see knowing predictably there will be people that hate it and criticise it but likewise there will be people that like it and want more, so all I can say is if you don't like it, don't listen, it's not for you, move along, there's plenty of other artists to explore.

This is something in general with music I never quite understood, the hatred that people seem to feel entitled to direct at something that is ultimately a matter of taste and sensory satisfaction, I fucking hate Cauliflower, I think it's bland, tasteless, looks disgusting and I don't want it near anything I have to eat but I don't start a national campaign to get it banned or try and convince people how horrible it is, someone likes it, I don't, that's how taste works, grow up.

Curtains

I had never watched 'The Sound Of Music' in its entirety until earlier this year.  I had only ever saw clips of the movie and passed by when family had watched it when I was younger, I had never taken an interest in it.  Lockdown in the UK due to Covid-19 just so happened to coincide almost exactly with the launch of Disney+ and with nothing better to do I decided to scroll through the list of movies and add every single movie I took an interest in with the aim of eventually watching them all.  I've managed to watch quite a few now including some of the early works of animation which I had always wanted to explore but never had the opportunity to do so.

I watched 'The Sound Of Music' however and I quite liked it, which isn't a surprise because I had been told countless times by others that I would, but in watching it there were several moments of revelation where I would think "Oh that's where that comes from" and realise just how much the movie has been referenced by pop culture - off hand remarks like a joke about making a dress out of curtains suddenly became clear.  The thing this has made me wonder though is just how many references exist in movies and TV shows that go unnoticed.  I've always had a passing interest in the idea of "Easter Eggs" which as legend has it is a term that originated from the filming of 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' - which is legendary by the way, I have seen that and loved it from the start - the legend goes that supposedly the cast had an Easter Egg hunt but that most of the eggs were never found, and that subsequently a few made it into the background of shots in the final cut of the movie.  Whether or not this is the true origin of the term is irrelevant, I like the image this story inspires.

I've watched many movies and TV shows over the years that have made subtle references to things that I have seen and often find myself spotting them and smiling, but there doesn't exist a comprehensive catalogue of references and the likes of IMDB try as they may just don't cut it when it comes to these types of details as they rarely fit into a neat section of a bio or a profile.  Nevertheless, if you did want to learn of the origins of some of the things you see and hear of in these productions, it's more or less left to you to know in the first place what is referenced or have the resourcefulness to be able to find that information of your own accord.  Time was in the era of the DVD and to an extent the Blu-Ray era too, there would be a Director's Commentary or Alternative Commentary available for some movies where production was discussed and tidbits of information were shared.  In the era of streaming, this gold mine of information seems to have been sealed shut and that's kind of unfortunate.

I love Harry Potter as anyone who follows me on Twitter will know; in my pursuit of more and more insight into the series, one thing I did stumble across was the Leaky Cauldron podcast PotterCast which among other things produced a series of fan-made alternative commentaries for the movies, the basic idea was that you loaded up the podcast, synced up with your DVD or digital copy of the movie and pressed play when told, you then watched the movie in sync and they discussed the content.  Now of course if you just want to watch the movie this isn't for you, but the whole idea of having more than just an official commentary but having additional commentaries that you can download for free and listen to in sync with your content, this is something I think especially in the age of streaming is an untapped idea for creativity and insight.

In a similar vein, when it comes to the Eurovision Song Contest, during lockdown in the UK and in Europe in general, there is a twitter account originally started by fans called @EurovisionAgain which takes the idea to another level, offering watch-along experiences for past contests.  The idea gained such traction that the organisers of the contests the European Broadcasting Union took notice and made past concerts available to enable wider participation.  The event became a weekly occurrence, where fans watched along in sync and tweeted about the contest as if it were being broadcast on TV.  This filled the gap left by the cancellation of the 2020 contest, but it also fills the gap left by broadcast schedules in a world of streaming where you can watch wherever and whenever you want, this manages to create a shared experience.

That final point is the crux of this entire idea, what is missed when references pass by unnoticed is the shared experience of the original content that is being referenced and unless you have seen it and know what it alludes to, there's little opportunity for you to discover this for yourself.  How then do you explore the influences of a production beyond the production itself?  I understand for some people this is something they would not want to encourage, that is something that is akin to the world of influencers who want you to believe they are the font of creativity rather than admitting they were inspired to create their content by someone else for fear of you wanting to follow that person instead.  Nothing is lost from exploring the influences that inspired the creation of content however in my view it creates a deeper understanding of the content and makes the content that much more engrossing.

Getting To Know You

It takes time to get to know someone.  How much time is proportionate to how much you want to know about that person.  One reason why we tend to prefer the company of the people we already know is because of the history that is shared even if that history is complicated or even toxic, it can still seem preferable because it is a lot less effort than actually getting to know someone new where you begin from scratch.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective.

As I have written in the past, there was a time when I wanted to know as much about other people as I could, I would ask questions and listen to all the stories they told of their life up until the point that we met.  The older I got the more difficult that became because of the simple fact that the longer you have been alive typically the more of a life you have lived and the more of a story you have to tell if someone wants to catch up.

There are however people that I don't know personally, whose lives I gain insights into through the fact that they live their lives in part online.  They share their experiences as they live and there are times when I think if we met in person we would probably get along if it wasn't for that initial hump of familiarity that has to be overcome.  When you add in social anxiety for either or indeed both people and shyness and a myriad of other difficulties that create reticence and barriers that hump can grow into a mountain you have to overcome if you want to get to that level of friendship that you have with the people you already know.

They say it gets harder to make friends as you get older, I don't actually think that's true.  I think the amount of work you have to put in increases but I don't think the process of getting to know someone ever really changes, all you have to do is talk and listen it's not that complicated in theory we just build it up to be something much more complex in our minds.  Like many things when you are a child you do it without thinking, but with age you convince yourself it's much harder than it actually is in reality.

I've toyed with the idea of an autobiography many times in my life.  I've started writing it and stopped after a few chapters each time because I don't think that anyone who wants to get to know me would actually take the time to read it.  This blog for instance has a lot of content on it at this point and there's a lot more to come but the vast majority of people who read it are people that don't know me personally.  There are only a handful of readers that I know personally and even then only a few who like to discuss what I have written for it.  Part of this I dismiss as the fact that people who manage to get close to me generally know me quite well and won't find much if anything I write on here to come as much of a surprise to them, in fact it is often the conversations we have had privately that inspire posts. 

If I was a character from 'Sex And The City' then I was once Samantha but have become more like Charlotte with age - both of which might surprise people who don't know me personally assuming that I would have been more akin to Carrie given my proclivity for writing.  I am however reminded of a scene from SATC where Carrie mentions her column and her three friends basically admit they don't always read it.  The thing is, despite every intention to be open and honest on this blog there are things I cannot say out of respect for others' privacy and out of the desire to keep a degree of my life private too, but more than this, every post has a narrative and some of the thoughts that run through my head aren't always coherent, they don't always come together in a way that they can be formed into something more.  This is one aspect of our lives that being friends and living together in the moment has as an advantage over your online persona in that random thoughts are often shared in passing in conversation.  Whilst the likes of twitter offer an opportunity to share some of those thoughts, even there not everything is suited to being a tweet for the whole world to see.

That does inspire the question, how well do you actually know the people whose lives you see online?  We all know the likes of Instagram and Youtube most of the time should be taken with a pinch of salt, and columns in tabloids and websites that propagate content for ad revenue are ultimately written in the context of attracting clicks and increasing impressions of those ads.  This blog does not contain ads, I don't make any money from doing it, and I don't use it as a means to constantly promote my published works it's entirely possible to follow it and never even know about those if you don't read every post.  The point of this blog isn't to try and sell anything to you the reader, it's predominantly an act of meditation or therapy for me to write and you just get to see what is produced as a result.

Would you and I get along if we met?  Possibly, if you've read quite a few of my posts and you're still here then the answer is probably yes, the main barrier to that is that initial period of getting to know one another, that's the hardest part.

Long Distance Love

I was 10 years old when I first saw the movie 'You've Got Mail' starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.  I didn't have the internet at home at the time and personal computers were not yet as ubiquitous as they are now.  The only computer we had at the time was an Amstrad CPC-464 with a green monochromatic display that had a command line interface with no mouse or anything that even remotely resembled Windows.  It was February 1999 and the idea of the internet was still a novel concept to most people, although the hardware had been around for a while, the World Wide Web wasn't even a decade old yet; for a young gay boy like me who felt isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world aware that other gay people existed just at a distance, the internet provided something of a fantasy for me, a way that I could one day connect with others who were like me.

That feeling was prescient as in time I would not only go on to connect with others like me through the internet but I would go on to contribute, moderate, and even for a time help as administrator for online LGBT communities that connected people from across the globe.  My horizons certainly expanded throughout the process but the idea of falling in love with someone online as is the plot of the movie was still alien to me at the time, something that didn't happen in reality, until it did.  Falling in love with someone you have not even met is a very strange concept to explain to people who have never experienced it, but for those that give it no value I would simply ask you to reflect on your life and ask yourself how many times someone you barely knew or never met personally passes away only for you to grieve for them as much or even more than people who you had met. 

The trouble with this whole concept isn't whether or not you can fall in love at a distance, that one is a given, we can even fall in love with things that can't love us back or can never understand what we feel for them so that argument is fruitless to debate; the real issue with this concept is whether or not you fall in love with the person on the other end or your perception of them.  When you have not met someone in person there are a lot of things you miss out on, for example body language, emotive cues, facial expressions, and the ability to know when there is something that they are not telling you, either because they are holding back out of reticence or deception.  Being able to see one another on a Skype call is not enough to remedy all of these things there's still scope for limited perception.

Despite all of these complications there are ways to overcome the difficulties that they create.  First and foremost the importance of communication should be stressed, coupled with honesty.  There needs to exist trust in one another to be open and honest and to share everything not just the good and the positive things that you think will make you look more appealing but also the bad and the negative things that you think might make them lose interest in you, those are often the hardest things to share.

On the other hand one of the biggest complications that can arise is the misalignment of perception where both people fall in love with their idea of the other but those ideas do not reflect reality so that when you eventually meet it's as if you are meeting a completely different person, the one you imagined doesn't actually exist.

I feel like the idea of online dating not just as a means to connect with those in proximity and arrange to meet but the actual idea of meeting people at a distance and developing a friendship long before you actually meet is something that has grown in popularity in recent decades.  I think the advent of Covid-19 and the subsequent lockdowns that forced people to rely on remote connections also did a lot to expand people's perceptions as to the validity of online relationships and even just friendships with people you've never physically met.

Even just online dating as a concept I feel the LGBT community in particular was more open to the idea of at first than society in general.  From its nascence I remember distinctly sharing stories of who I had met with my gay friends and they in turn sharing theirs, swapping suggestions for sites to use in the days before smart phones before dating apps grew in popularity.  At the same time my straight friends always found the idea strange and unusual and most professed a reluctance to even meet someone they found online through social groups with no romantic inclinations professed at all.

Those people have since shifted their mentality as technology has advanced, those who once professed complete opposition to the idea now sing the praises of apps like Tinder.  Times change as they say and if the behaviours of the LGBT community can be taken as a precursor to what wider society eventually embraces then the idea of long distance dating as not only acceptable but actually preferable might be an indication of what is to come.  We are yet to see the lasting impact of Covid-19 and whether the perceptions nurtured in lockdown are maintained.

I should point out here this is in regard to developing relationships and connections that are more meaningful and substantive than simply finding someone to have a sex based encounter or sex based relationship with.  Both of these things too were again not only seen as normal but seen as preferable within the LGBT community and for many this is still the case, I don't think this will change any time soon.  The likes of apps like Grindr are not providing anything new or novel, websites existed that did the same thing before smart phones.  Likewise there have been risks associated with these practices that predate Covid-19 and people did it anyway so I don't see that having any lasting impact on behaviour, society as a whole may be experiencing its first pandemic to in a century to significantly impact people's lives but Gay people have been living in the shadow of the HIV pandemic for decades.

The idea of meeting someone explicitly for sex and moving on after is something that generally we accept as just another part of life, although there are divisions within the gay community in particular as to the morality of this behaviour, something which I don't have an issue with at all, I have done it and if I wanted a sexual encounter I would do it again I'm just interested in something more at this point.

This complacency with the ease of access to sex I think drives many in the LGBT community to seek out unrealistic expectations from potential relationships and potential partners.  The feeling that there isn't as much urgency leads to the pursuit of Mr Perfect and those endless grids of guys and their profiles encourages the idea that if they're not perfect there are others to consider.  There's nothing wrong with the idea of searching for something that feels right, and not wanting to compromise or not wanting to settle for a relationship with someone that isn't what you would expect, but the rationale and the reasoning for that has to come from a genuine feeling of discomfort or inadequacy, if it's simply borne of the idea that it's not perfect and that you want to seek out that perfection then you're probably not going to find it.

I've mentioned this concept in previous posts, perfection is inhuman by definition.  If you seek out someone who is your definition of perfect, you're probably never going to find them because no human will ever fit that definition.  It's like searching for someone who has wings, humans don't have wings, you're never going to find someone that does.  Whether or not a relationship works for you has to be based on what is, rather than what could be.  Don't judge it against a hypothetical future that might never happen, judge it for what it is and ask yourself if it makes you happy, if the answer is no then maybe it's time to move on. 

Music Monday #24: Ray of Light by Madonna

'Confessions On A Dance Floor' was the first Madonna album that I included in this list and if it wasn't blatantly obvious from the post I wrote this is the other album I have chosen to include.  'Ray Of Light' was released in 1998 and once again fits a theme, influenced by Electronic Dance Music [EDM] Ray of Light is my second favourite album by Madonna.  This album sees Madonna collaborate with William Orbit who is something of a legend and a veteran in the EDM scene.  This album is a close second to Confessions failing to pip it to the post because there are a few tracks I don't care for, but as laid out in my first post this series is about focusing on the things I like.

My favourite track on the album is 'Power Of Goodbye' which might not come as a surprise by now if you've been following these posts in series.  The lyrics to this song resonated with me, in particular "Freedom comes when you learn to let go, Creation comes when you learn to say no" which is something that has stayed with me throughout my life.  Released in 1998 I was about to turn 10 at the time and simply liked the song and it's melody, it wouldn't be until many years later when the meaning of the lyrics would start to sink in, learning to say goodbye to certain people is something we eventually learn in life - at least hopefully we do - and gain a sense of empowerment when we do.  There are some relationships that can't be salvaged, some things can't be reconciled, some people will never change, in those moments you have to recognise that the only choice you have is to say goodbye and move on, and that only comes when you recognise just how much power that word holds, the finality, and the liberty if you say it and mean it.

The title track of the album I also like, along with 'Nothing Really Matters', 'Frozen', and 'sky Fits Heaven' the other tracks serve as more mellow productions that I turn to more when I want to unwind and feel nothing rather than try to process my emotions.  I don't have the same emotional attachment to this album as I do for Confessions mainly because Madonna's music catalogue isn't something I explored in depth until I was a little older, I feel that is a reflection of the layers that exist to what she creates.  In much the same way that there is an initial experience in the music Celine Dion creates that gives way with age to undertones and themes that you only really become aware of after you experience them first hand. 

Madonna for me represents perseverance more than anything else.  Her career spans from the tail end of the 1970s before I was ever born or even thought of, she has been a constant, someone who is present throughout my entire life.  I can measure my life in Madonna albums which is a bizarre thing to think.  Few artists have the staying power to achieve success and maintain a career over that length of time.  She was able to take the world as it was, see it, judge it, and act upon that judgement, without inspiring hatred from the religious right I was brought up with this as the definition of a prophet.  I'm not claiming divinity for Madonna let me make that clear, instead what I am asserting here is that she was able throughout her career to observe, process, and produce, she evolved in her music style and in her art form as the world evolved, people often think of her as a leader or part of the vanguard and whilst there is merit in that judgement, I have always conceptualised Madonna as a mirror, a reflection of the state of the world.

Madonna's hits from the 80s give me an insight into life in that time, I was born in 1988 and never got to experience that decade for myself.  Her hits from the 90s I didn't grow to appreciate until I was older because most of it was a reflection of a wider world to which I was not yet exposed.  Her hits from the 00s reflect the state of the world at the time and it being the first time period I was fully cognizant of that was the period of her musical styling I connected with the strongest.  Her musical styling then evolved in the 10s and began to reflect the state of a changing world that I personally felt disconnected from, a world that especially in the second half of the decade I didn't want to be a part of, but this is reflected in her music and the divergence, I still followed her out of interest because she provides insight.

Madonna's career evolved and adapted with the world, it was that adaptation that I admired but she wasn't afraid to call out bullshit throughout her career, to me nowhere is that more apparent than in the release of 'American Life' an album I would have included in this list but had to be dropped for the sake of brevity.  There's one artist who will feature on this list 4 times by the end and even that I had my reservations about but ultimately felt justified in the decision in order to give the widest range I could without being biased.  I will say from American Life, the title track, as well as 'Love Profusion', 'Nothing Fails', and 'Die Another Day' serve as particular favourites that get an honourable mention here.

Madonna has featured throughout pop culture, the mainstay of some peoples' disdain, the brunt of jokes, the demon of the press, the embodiment of inequity, and the Queen of self-indulgence as she has been portrayed, but for some of us she has represented hope, rebellion, resistance, disruption, strength, determination, and perseverance.  Whatever you see when you see her, whatever way you choose to interpret her career I still maintain she is a mirror, if you don't like what you see it's probably because she's reflecting something you see in the world that you feel guilty about.  American Life exemplified that, with the backlash over the original music video  for the title track, those that were disturbed by it were disturbed by the state of the world it reflected but rather than direct their anger at the thing that was reflected they tried to smash the mirror in anger.  I still maintain she should not have given in to pressure and should have run the original video, but I understand why that decision was made, and the original video eventually aired anyway and we all saw it because you can deny reality all you want it will eventually catch up with you.

Madonna won't feature again on this list but I would like to give another honourably mention to 'Rebel Heart' for its title track, as well as 'Devil Pray', and 'Illuminati' from the same album as they reflected the direction the world went in the 2010s in the end and my dissatisfaction with the idea of being dragged along with it.

Know When To Stop

Sticking with the idea of creating your own content and your perception of its quality, there is another issue I want to touch on before I move on to something else and that is the idea of being your own critic.  This is an incredibly bad idea, there's many reasons for this but the simplest reason is that it isn't possible to be objective when it comes to judging our own work.  We will always have a bias when judging our own work and it might be surprising to hear that bias isn't always positive it can be negative, and in the latter it can be much more destructive to our creative processes. 

Most artists are never happy with the work they create.  This might be hard to accept at first if you aren't of a creative mindset or if you look at the finished products of other artists in adoration and fail to recognise the finality of what you see represents the end of a process that hides the intimate details of the process that led to its creation.  Even the artists you would think have the highest self worth, have a proven track record of commercial success, who can seemingly do no wrong, they all have the same self doubt that you do, they have just developed the ability to silence it or ignore it completely.  The only real practical difference this leads to, is that those people tend to have context, they do not create their content alone, no matter how independent they may appear, there will always be people you don't see who have been involved in the process.  When you create something, there is always a desire for perfection and ultimately the greatest obstacle to overcome when putting content out for the world to see is the belief that it's not ready.  If you pursue absolute perfection you will never achieve it because absolute perfection is not a human concept. 

When you take sculptures for instance, there is an adoration that people feel when they look at lifelike depictions but that adoration is affirmed by the presence of imperfections.  When you create representations of the human form that appear too lifelike and too realistic it actually causes most people to feel disturbed, this concept is referred to as the Uncanny Valley a concept that I have written about before which reflects the human reaction to realism with the extreme end of the valley being the belief that the object is in fact real and causing the same reaction as if it were.

Warning: The remainder of this post may affect your perception and enjoyment of certain pieces of music, do not read on if you may find this difficult to overcome.

People need to perceive minor imperfections to believe your work is real, there are times when movies and games for instance will leave certain mistakes in their content without attempting to correct it in an attempt to capture realism.  Dialogue whilst written in a script is not always spoken word for word when it is filmed, actors often improvise or get things slightly wrong, the director and the producer will usually decide when you keep these mistakes and when to shoot again.

Music too often incorporates mistakes as part of the production process.  It is possible for instance to record a singer performing a track in its entirety without recording their breathing, each time they breathe can be muted from a clean vocal track before it is incorporated into the final render, it's even possible to minimize breathiness in the simplest ways through pop filters and in more complex ways through audio processing.  Despite this fact often times tracks created for pop music make no attempt to do this.  You might not have noticed this before but if you dive into your music library and listen to a few random tracks with a conscious mind looking for the artist breathing you will hear it - skip the youtube versions as the audio quality is piss poor and go straight to the HD quality tracks in your music library and listen.  Tracks where you can hear the vocal clearly are better for demonstrating this.

If you take complete control over the creative process and want to retain complete control over the production process that comes after when you have a product to sell then you need to stop yourself from trying to create something that is perfect, it helps to have someone to review your content, someone who can give you another perspective.  I realise with things that are sensitive in nature that it can be difficult to share your work before publishing out of the genuine concern that it may be plagiarised, you can however use professional services that provide a degree of security, these don't have to cost the world if you don't have someone you trust that you can share your content with.  This is one advantage traditional publishing routes still hold over the independent route, that and the resources they can devote to marketing the final product.

The bottom line is that you need to know when to stop and when to recognise it is good enough or as good as it is going to get without compromising the integrity of what you have created.

Anything You Can Do

In a previous post I wrote of the relationship between reading and how it can improve your writing ability, there was another point I wanted to make however and I wanted to devote an entire post to it and that is the idea of quality.  This isn't something that is easy to define, whilst spelling, grammar, and general semantics play a factor in defining quality from a productive sense, I am instead referring explicitly to the creative sense of quality.  Most things creative ultimately come down to opinion, perception, and perspective.  You can look at various books, movies, and games as forms of artistic expression and see merit in those works but in the process you will inevitably see reviews, and critical assessments of those works which can differ quite markedly from how well those works perform commercially and the attitude to them from a cultural perspective.

To give an example, the Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer is often criticised and holds something of a meme status in pop culture.  "Still a better love story than Twilight" to that end is one of the most prolific examples of this widespread ridicule the books receive.  Despite this, commercially the series was by any definition a commercial success so too were the movies.  That's not to say they aren't without controversy, and to be clear I'm not a fan of either the book series or the movies and have a lot of issues with the relationship depicted and the message it sends but we can leave those to discuss in another post, or preferably not at all.  In any case the point remains that despite the fact that many people have issues with the content it still did well.  There were critics who panned the series and critics who praised the series, both in terms of the books and the movies.

What all of this demonstrates is that at some point you will come across content that you will think to yourself "I could do better than that" because of the problems you see within the content.  This sentiment is something to be encouraged because it can actually lead to the creation of some very interesting content, and that may indeed be much higher quality in creative terms, but that doesn't mean what you produce will do better.  Creative quality is a matter of opinion, it's not something that is universal, more than this, for something to be a commercial success it needs to be marketed and reach consumers who see quality in your content, but that in and of itself doesn't mean those people will agree that your content is of higher quality.  Whilst there are many movie and book series that have been pitted against Twilight and said to be its competition, the reality is the lines between readers of each series are not as clearly defined as you would think, and in many cases no line exists at all.

Tribalism is a method of creating competition where it otherwise does not exist.  The entire 'Mac vs PC' advertising campaign centred around this idea of creating tribalism as a means to market products.  The reality here is that people who read books tend to read a lot of books, they don't tend to stick to just one book or one series in particular although there are ardent fans as there always will be who would profess to be so devoted, the reality is those people represent a very small minority.  As with the Mac vs PC debate, those who are ardent fans of one or the other make up only a small minority of consumers, the reality is each device had its merits and its purpose and was utilised within industries accordingly.  The divide between who was an exclusive PC consumer and who was an exclusive Mac consumer wasn't as clear cut as the advertising campaign tried to convince you they were.  Both companies knew this quite well, Microsoft did not bail out Apple in 1997 out of the goodness of their hearts, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both understood the role of competition in driving sales, it was beneficial for both companies for people to believe they hated each other - there's even an interview where Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sat together on stage at D5 Conference in 2007 where at one point they openly laugh at the idea and how absurd it actually was.

What all of this brings us back to is one simple point, if you find yourself saying "I could do better than that" then, you probably could, but you have to actually do it first, the only difference between you and them is that they actually did it.  Commercial success isn't tied to creative quality alone, it depends on marketing, and brand awareness, and a myriad of factors that you can approach when the time comes, but you need the product you want to sell before you can get to that stage, so if you think you can do better, go for it, there's no reason not to try.

Reading and Writing

I don't remember the first book I ever read as a child, it was likely a simple book intended to introduce children to written words.  I do recall a particular love of the Mr Men books by Roger Hargreaves of which I had the little library collection.  The earliest work of fiction I can remember reading and falling in love with however was Roald Dahl's 'Charlie And The Chocolate Factory' which we were probably required to read in school although I distinctly remember a hardback copy of the book that I owned which in researching this post I have discovered is now worth over £6,000 [$8,000~] which I no longer own unfortunately.  It is amazing how some of the things we own in our youth can end up being worth so much money today, when I think of all the consoles I owned over the years there are more than a few I wish I had held onto.

Reading was something I had a love and hate relationship with as a child.  I have Nystagmus which I have discussed in previous posts but for the sake of brevity it is a condition that causes my eyes to constantly move which manifests itself mainly as a visual impairment that makes me short sighted and makes me blind to things that move beyond a certain speed.  Reading was something I loved the idea of but found difficult because most books when I was growing up where not accessible and my eyesight was a lot worse, it improved as I grew older until my late teens when it slowly started to decline again.  I love the fact that services like Audible exist today and wish I had access to them as a child.  The closest thing I got to this was an audiobook service called Calibre which was a charity that provided audio books to people with visual impairments - these came on cassette tapes at the time, would be ordered through the post and take a while to arrive, if stock of the book was all out on loan then it could be a while before you would get it.  The instant access provided by Audible and services like it is something that I find to be an example of technology improving the lives of people who otherwise are excluded from experiences that others take for granted.

As reading became more accessible to me with age my interest grew and so did the topics that interested me, of which there's still no rhyme or reason but it's still fun to explore.  The most recent book I read was 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde, a book I was aware of and understood the concept of but had never actually read - you can probably guess this was related to the post I wrote about frames of reference, reading this and quite a few other classic works of fiction was an objective I set myself in 2019 but never managed to complete, in hindsight I set the bar too high for how many works I would actually read - the goal was 100 in 2019 of which I managed just 17 which was just over 1 per month on average.  2020 on the other hand my goal is much more moderate at just 12 books which I think I will surpass by the end of the year, I'll revisit this in a future post with an update on progress - this post is actually being written in January for context which gives you an idea how much of a buffer exists to the content scheduled for posting on this blog.

[Edit: If you were wondering I didn't read a lot during quarantine, I spent most of my time learning Spanish with Duolingo, or playing Stardew Valley to distract myself]

One thing I would like to try and do more of this year however is to read more books in other languages.  The only book I managed to read last year that wasn't in English was the Spanish language translation of 'The Da Vinci Code' which I have returned to many times because I like the English version just as much - something I also do with Harry Potter from time to time.  I want to read books this year that I have not read before though, I want new experiences and new content to consume.

I write and publish fiction under a pen name through Amazon, through the course of this endeavour I have also read works created by people who have also ventured into that realm.  Some of those authors are very talented, I follow a few of them on twitter because I am interested in their works.  Some authors however it is apparent they have not read much themselves before they ventured into writing.  One piece of advice I picked up quite early before I started publishing my content for public access was that if you want to be a better writer you should read, the more you read the better you will become as a writer, not necessarily because you will be influenced by the content itself although that does happen, but because you learn quite quickly what works and what doesn't work.  This is one reason why when I write works of fiction I leave gaps between drafts that are weeks, sometimes months before I come back to the content to review and expand it - if I can't pick it up and follow the story myself then there's no hope that a reader could either.  The mistakes we make when we write are things we become complacent with and ignorant to when we continually revisit the same piece.  You need to take a break and return to it later with a new eye for detail to be able to spot some of the mistakes that were right in front of you.

I should point out here that the amount of effort I put into writing for this blog versus writing fiction is not comparable.  A piece of fiction I will spend months working on and revising.  Those works are proofread many times before they are published and often reviewed by friends before they actually go live.  These posts are a lot less intensive and do occasionally contain mistakes so they aren't a fair representation of what to expect if you were to read my published works - the subject matter too also diverges quite markedly.

Reading and Writing go hand in hand in more ways than one.  If you want to be a better writer then read more, that piece of advice has served me well this far so I will leave you with that for emphasis.

The Problem With Privilege

Privilege is a word that is used to describe a lot of different things in an attempt to convey one core concept, unfortunately that message is often lost in the conversations that follow as they tend to lead to conflict and so the concept itself never actually communicated.  The result is that rather than getting people to recognise the concept, instead those conversations feed conflict rather than providing any opportunity for it to be resolved.

There are protests taking place around the world right now promoting the Black Lives Matter movement; these protests were sparked by the murder of George Floyd.  However these protests are about much more than the death of one man, and those that fail to see this are also predominantly those who take issue with the concept of privilege.  I think one of the reasons behind this failure is the breakdown of communication.  Jane Elliott is an educator who has devoted her life to combating racism, for over 50 years she has conducted experiments, given lectures, and demonstrations that attempt to make people see the root causes and the impact of racism amongst other social conflicts by communicating the core concepts.  One particular video that has gone viral once again is that where she asks a room full of white people to stand up if they would be happy to be treated the way black people are treated - not surprisingly, no-one stands up.

This idea of getting people to see something from another person's point of view is compelling but it also makes people realise the true context of their own position, it makes people realise their privilege.  Again however there are still those who take issue with that word and what it implies to them, so in an effort to combat this ideology I want to take a moment and try to explain the concept with a different word.

Using the word 'privilege' is useful in some settings, but not all; there are situations where using it is inflammatory not because of what it actually represents but because of the false assumptions that are made by the people that it is directed at.  To give an example, when you tell a poor, white, unemployed person, that they are privileged, that is a hard pill for them to swallow because they can't comprehend how they could possibly be privileged when they don't feel privileged - they therefore take it as an attack on them personally and an attempt to label them as something they feel they are not.  From their perspective they take what matters most to them, usually wealth, and they look at how much they have, and they will look to people they in their mind deem to be privileged by wealth, i.e. a billionaire, and then reject that label.  This is not what is intended by the people who use that word, and thus conflict inevitably ensues.

However if you change the word you use and instead of saying privilege, say instead "advantage" you get a different response, by saying "White advantage" or "Male advantage", "Straight advantage" etc, you get people to see a different perspective.  The word "advantage" more accurately communicates what is intended by the original argument, that you have an advantage based on the fact that you fit that demographic.  If you are white you have an advantage over someone who is not, if you are male you have an advantage over someone who is not, and if you are straight you have an advantage over someone who is not.  To have an advantage does not guarantee success and even in failure you still retain that advantage because a poor white person and a poor black person are not on an equal footing, whether that is in the way society treats them or the opportunities they get when they attempt to build their wealth. 

"Privilege" is a word that implies success, not only potential success but success already achieved, therein lies the problem, when it is directed at someone who does not feel successful, they reject the label.  The word was intended to imply advantage but it was never received with that implication by those who did not perceive themselves as a success.  Those who did not feel successful failed to recognise the advantage they still held even in a place of failure, because of their perception that privilege is about your about your current state as opposed to their potential and their future path.

Right now our focus is on America because that is where George Floyd died and where the epicentre of the problem of police brutality and disproportionate targeting of Black and Ethnic Minorities through prejudice and discrimination is most visible but this is a problem that goes beyond America.  Black Lives Matter is a movement and protests in support of it are being held across the world not just in protest at what is happening in America but also in protest of the same problems within those countries that are protesting, as much as the political leaders of those countries are happy to try and direct the focus of those protests at America, the anger that is being expressed is domestic too, and the recoil of those same leaders can be seen when racism within their own countries is challenged and they flip and attack the protests trying to label them as something they are not.

I grew up in Northern Ireland where race was never really discussed until I was about 14 years old, partly because where I lived was almost exclusively white but also in part because Northern Ireland was and still is living with the legacy of its own Civil Rights Movement one that was defined by religion as opposed to race.  Racism is a problem in Northern Ireland as much as anywhere else, I won't pretend it is not, that would be a disservice.  I would contend however that there is a more intimate understanding within its society of the effect of segregation, prejudice, and discrimination because these were things that most people within its society had experienced first hand or descended from people who had.  More than this, in High School as part of the National Curriculum in NI at the time we read a book called 'Roll Of Thunder Hear My Cry' by Mildred D. Taylor, an African American author from Jackson, Mississippi.  The book tells the story of Cassie Logan, a young black girl growing up in the deep south and her experience of enforced racial segregation under the Jim Crow laws.  The novel gets quite graphic in parts, but the one thing that always stood by me since we read it together was the fact that in a class of 30 or so white kids, the anger at the way Cassie was treated was palpable.  We studied the book with context and understood the historical accuracy of the content which made it hit home so much.

I am privileged in many ways, most notably I have white privilege and I have male privilege, I recognise the advantages these give me.  I also have disadvantages due to health, disability, and sexuality, I recognise these too and how they are used against me by others.  I can understand why someone would not feel as if they were privileged in the sense of the word that campaigners want people to recognise, but I also recognise why that is the case, and why that reaction isn't justified because it's based on the false assumption of its meaning and not what is intended by the use of the word.  I think the reason why I can see this is because of the environment I grew up in, and the education I received.  I think more people can be reached through better communication but the real issue is finding a way to communicate those concepts.

This post was not written to make people recognise their privilege, if you are reading this post then you probably know your privileges.  This post was written to make you think about whether there's a more effective way to get your message across.  To call back to Jane Elliott, the videos that went viral demonstrating her approach were effective in communicating what is meant and what is intended through deconstruction of the concept and demonstration not through language alone.  She made people understand the context of what she was communicating rather than relying on them interpreting the words she used with the assumption they would draw the same meaning from those words - or to put it another way, she made people "see" the dress itself, rather than assuming they saw the same way she did, as blue and black or white and gold.

Music Monday #23: Anastacia by Anastacia

In 2004 Anastacia released her self titled third album, which to this day I regard as her magnum opus.  This is another album that I regard as perfect, from start to finish there isn't a thing I would change, I love every single track and I love her as an artist. 

I first became aware of Anastacia when she released her single 'Not That Kind' in 2000 but it wasn't until 2004 that she released the single 'Left Outside Alone' which instantly struck a chord with me, it had meaningful lyrics, music that took me on a journey, upbeat but not sardonic, I wanted more.  The lyrics that I connected with most were "Left broken, empty and in despair, Wanna breathe, can't find air, Thought you were sent from up above, But you and me never had love, So much more I have to say, Help me find a way" - these perfectly represented the angst I felt as a teenager, seeing guys around me taking an interest in girls and me unable to find someone to show an interest in because naively I believe I was "the only gay in the village" as it were - something I was definitely wrong about but wouldn't realise the extent until later in life.  The lyrics were however prescient, the toxic relationships I had with guys would bring me back to those lyrics time and again.

'Seasons Change', 'Time', and 'I Do' embodied my frustrations with the state of the world and with age those bonds have only grown stronger, I still listen to this album and as with a few others mentioned it is one of the few that I can listen to from start to finish never touching the controls.  This album also shares quite a bit with Celine Dion's 'Let's Talk About Love' in that it has grown with me and some of the attachments to the tracks came later in life.  'Welcome To My Truth' was a song that I didn't come to truly appreciate until after I cam out and everyone finally knew I was gay.

The most powerful track on this album for me however is one that I came to identify with only a few years ago.  If you've read my other blog you can probably guess which one it is.  In 2017 I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis, an autoimmune disease that causes the immune system to attack itself.  When I went through all the diagnostic tests, and the appointments, exhausting travel, and eventual treatment I found comfort in Anastacia's 'Sick And Tired' particularly the lyrics "I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired" because that is exactly how I felt at that moment in my life.  I know the rest of the song has little to do with it, and I must admit I was wilfully ignorant to the cultural significance of the quote, attributed to Fannie Lou Hamer, a leader in the civil rights movement it references Jim Crow laws which enforced racial segregation in the US.  I also wasn't aware at the time but Anastacia wrote the track at a time in her life when she was dealing with a flare up of her own, as someone who suffers from Crohn's disease and was in recovery after undergoing Radiotherapy after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  The former of which was treated at the time with the same corticosteroids I was prescribed.  Without knowing at the time there when I turned to her music there was a greater affinity than I realised.

Anastacia is an excellent example of a transatlantic artist that although originating in the US has had much more success this side of the pond.  'Anastacia' reached number 1 in the album charts of 12 countries, 10 of them in Europe, in the UK alone it went 4x platinum.  I've followed her career since her third album and although I've not connected with some of her other albums to the same degree as this one, I still admire her work, enjoy her music, and will continue to follow her.  I've also heard her speak on podcasts and give interviews, I was pleasantly surprised to find out she was friends with Michelle Visage and RuPaul when she appeared on their podcast and opened up about her journey and everything she had been through, that was also the first time I realised just how big the disparity is between her success outside the US versus inside.  This still doesn't make sense to me however even with other artists, two countries that share so much seem to diverge quite significantly at times when it comes to music.

The only other song on this album I want to take a moment to mention specifically is 'Where Do I Belong', the LGBT storyline and the affinity I have for artists that create music that embodies the issues we face has been mentioned before in this series, so without repeating myself suffice to say this song was so relatable because of the lyrics and the feeling of exhaustion with the state of the world, feeling disconnected, not knowing where you fit and where you belong.

Creative Chaos

I can solve a Rubik's Cube.  To some people that is impressive, and to others it leads to further questions.  Those who find it impressive are usually people who can't solve it themselves.  Those that ask further questions are people who can either solve it themselves or have some understanding of the mathematics behind the puzzle and the algorithms that exist to solve it.  The questions they ask are what approach you use to solve it and how quickly can you solve it.  For the sake of transparency I use a layered approach and I can solve it in less than a minute which if you know much about the puzzle and those who can solve it isn't that impressive as there are those who can solve it much quicker, for instance, Yusheng Du can solve it in 3.47 seconds which is incredible to me.  I love the puzzle and have looked at the approaches used to solve it much quicker but I don't have the determination to do so, my curiosity was satiated really when I learned how to solve it in the first place.

Learning to solve the Rubik's Cube was something that a University friend took an interest in before me.  I had never approached the puzzle with any methodology prior to that point simply playing with it mindlessly.  This was essentially something physical to distract myself which helped relieve anxiety - which in hindsight could be considered a coping mechanism which I largely abandoned and I am not sure why, that's something to explore in a future post.  For some people the analogue to this act would be the use of fidget spinners and stress balls among others.  Point was, it wasn't something I devoted much conscious effort to doing.  When my friend took an interest however he showed me the approach and I sat and listened and observed his actions.  With his guidance I learned how to solve the cube and in time built up the speed at which I could solve it until the act in itself became muscle memory.  Even now I can still solve the 2x2x2, and 3x3x3 cubes without thinking about what I am doing.  The 4x4x4 cube still requires thought and truth be told I never quite mastered that but the motivation died at that point.

This whole experience however mirrors something that comedian Deven Green once said, that you can tell when there's an "adult" in the room because when you tell a child to go and play they do just that, they go and play and don't ask questions.  Adults on the other hand ask countless questions to define boundaries, how long can I play, can I do this, can I do that etc.  This mentality is one that is borne of an aversion to the open ended nature of life.  The reality is that the older we get the less we are able to cope with the concept of life without restriction.  We complain about the restrictions life places on us, our obligations, our responsibilities, all the things life throws at us, but much like the scene in the Matrix where Agent Smith tells Morpheus that the first Matrix failed miserably because it was too perfect, humanity rejected the idea of utopia because it needed struggle to survive, it had to have something to fight against and feel a sense of accomplishment when it overcame that adversity.  This reflects a mentality that we gain with age in that we expect life to be difficult and find it hard to find happiness in the moment because we don't expect happiness to be easy to find.

When I was younger I didn't think about the world as much as I do today, I just lived in it.  I was a child that played and had fun and did what I wanted to do, then I grew up and with age that system of restrictions we are taught to think in terms of began to shape my thought process until creativity was largely strangled.  I am very good at completing clearly defined tasks but I don't think that ability is something of great merit for me because I think it's something we are all conditioned to develop.  Creativity on the other hand is something that you can't learn, you either have a creative mind or you don't, it's not easy to mimic and as the attempts by AI to create art have proven, taking a bank of existing creations and regurgitating it isn't enough to create something new and fresh.

I want to nurture the mindset I once had where creativity flourished and the only way I can see of doing that is to try and recapture the environment that existed when I approached tasks with the mindset of a child - to try it first and see what happens, rather than trying to predict what will happen before you even try.  It's not possible to incorporate that into every part of our lives but with my creative endeavours at least I think that's one place where I can start, by abandoning the idea that I need to understand every detail before I even try, because that's an objective that will never be achieved, even with the Rubik's Cube I understand some of the mathematics behind the puzzle and why the algorithms I learned works when applied to it but I would be lying if I said I could explain the entire concept in every detail and I don't need to be able to do that to get enjoyment out of solving it and seeing how fast I can do it.

Frames of Reference

When I wrote about learning languages I touched on the idea of a frame of reference, as defined by the period where your knowledge of pop culture is developed.  For most people in their native language their frame of reference tends to be from their early years of childhood through to their late teens, after this you only really experience pop culture in the moment, very little "sticks" as time passes beyond this period.  You witness pop culture evolve but only a few key events get retained, the rest only come to your recollection when someone else brings them up and even then if those moments weren't of any great importance or any great significance to you then they too can be easily forgotten.

It is in the nature of memory for human beings to be selective, there are techniques that you can use to help train your mind to retain certain things more than others but we can't gain explicit control over everything we remember, that's probably a good thing, if our use of technology and the state of our hard drives are anything to go by then some of the things we would hold onto if we could explicitly control our memory would be a complete waste of space.

The idea of "catching up" on a particular period of time however is something that interests me.  My Mum has a particular love of old Disney cartoons and movies both of which are surprisingly hard to find - Disney+ makes some of these available which I have explored, but the entire Disney back catalogue isn't easy to come by.  This isn't a problem unique to Disney, many other studios have the same problem when it comes to consumers who want access to their old content - services which most of said studios don't want to provide because they don't believe a large enough market exists to cover the cost, it's not commercially viable, which is the same reason why services like Netflix rotate content periodically rather than acquiring indefinite licenses for content.

There's a series of posts on this blog at the moment called Music Monday, these are 52 posts, 1 per week which are devoted to albums that I love, but even here the artists that feature are for the most part contemporary or within the last 20 or 30 years partly because accessing music that is older than this isn't as easy as you would think.  Even the contemporary music that is mentioned isn't covered by streaming services completely.  Many of the EDM albums in my music library for example are not on Spotfiy or Apple Music, some are only available via Amazon for purchase and many of those are only available as physical media with digital downloads unavailable. 

The idea of acquiring a frame of reference beyond that which we have lived through and experienced for ourselves is something that fascinates me.  Autobiographies often provide the best starting point if this is what you desire, by giving you an insight into life during that time period you build a foundation to build on as you explore.  The problem with this approach is that it falls flat when you get to periods in time where the selection of autobiographies to choose from is scarce.  It seems the same problem exists with modern and recent history as exists with ancient history and classical periods - that those who lived through them didn't have the forethought or the cognizance to recognise that others might one day be interested in that time period and what it was like "on the ground" as it where.  This extends to modern history even now in the present we live our lives but we do not document everything we do, even I am guilty of this as during lockdown I stopped posting on this blog, that wasn't because I didn't want to document what was happening though, it was simply because any and all motivation to write completely died.

For those who live their lives on Instagram, or Youtube, or Tik Tok, that isn't an accurate depiction of their lives, it can provide a glimpse but it can't be relied upon as a point of reference.  Likewise for those who live their lives on twitter we don't tweet every thought and feeling we have, such an act in itself would be exhausting.

We are selective when it comes to what we choose to document, just as our minds are selective of what they choose to remember, and as is the case with the latter, we often turn to the former in search of something and find there's no record of it because we never bothered recording it.  I don't use Facebook anymore.  I did for a time at University, for about 5 or 6 years documenting the 3 years of University and the first 3 years after graduation but I left the social network in the end because I recognised how invasive it was and how much it had integrated into my life and I did not like that.  For those that still use the social network however there are apps like Timehop which brings up moments from your past - this works with other social networks too, but the concept is simple, it takes an old post and presents it to you as a reminder of what you were doing however many years ago.  The trouble is this often lacks context because most statuses on sites like Facebook aren't all encompassing, tweets even more so, before the extension of the character limit they could be even more cryptic as to what they referred to.

The same problem remains throughout all of these sites, that the impression of your life they give others, and even the impression it gives you yourself many years later, is decided by what you had the forethought or the audacity to share as the case may be.  Anything implicit has the potential to be completely lost, with only that which is explicit retained and even then it can still stumble you as to what it meant. 

Beyond what I share online, for me personally encryption, cryptography, symbolism, and the ability to hide information inside information always appealed to me.  From made up languages and hand written fonts that were illegible to anyone but me, through to the encryption standard I developed for my dissertation the concept has persisted in my consciousness.  The trouble as with those memories mentioned above is that sans context the content that is contained within can be completely meaningless to us.  One particular document I created as a teenager now sits completely illegible to me because I haven't got a clue what I was thinking at the time when I created it. 

It would be nice if we could say that our frame of reference was something we could control but all this seems to prove to me is that the only part of it that you control is the bit you live through, everything beyond that is fluid and ultimately out of your conscious control, including our perception of our recollection, like trying to grab a fist full of sand on a beach, the harder you try to grasp it the quicker it slips away from you.