I think I am far enough into this list to start throwing you into the deep end of my music library, not by a definition of profundity and meaningful lyrics but rather in terms of the fact that Electronic Dance Music [EDM] as mentioned a few times features quite heavily in my music library. In fact, EDM really does make up the "deep" end of my library because of how much of it there is in there. Compilations are very common in EDM so albums by single artists of groups are a rarity but the first I want to include here is 'Some Things' by Lasgo which was released in 2001.
Lasgo's members changed a few times over the years, at the time the band was fronted by Evi Goffin who was backed at the time by producers Peter Luts, and David Vervoort better known as Dave McCullen. Some Things came into my life in 2004 three years after its release I first heard it through LaunchPlayer which was a music streaming service by Yahoo that served in many ways as the precursor to Spotify, it became the first music service to legally offer unlimited music for a set monthly fee. It was also the first online service I came across that let you listen to music and suggested music you might be interested in based on that taste, so in many ways Lasgo is the first band that I discovered thanks to algorithms - Youtube didn't exist yet, that came later.
The quasi title track of the album is called 'Something' and it connected with me instantly because the lyrics are about loving someone does love you back but does not express it, not quite unrequited love, but rather unreciprocated love or withheld love. The lyrics "I can see it in your eyes, There is something, Something you wanna tell me, I see it in your eyes, There is something, That you hide from me" this spoke volumes to me because of a lot of emotions I was processing which I have already discussed at length in previous posts touches on the complex relationships gay men form particularly in environments where it's not so easy to express yourself openly and feel safe in the process. 'Something' however set these lyrics against electronic beats, percussion, and synthesised sounds that were instantly stimulating to me, I immediately sought out the album to hear the other tracks and that day at lunch in college I went to HMV with a friend and he bought the album for me when he saw it, for that reason the album still makes me think of him when I hear it.
I played the entire album to death, I listened to the whole thing back to back on repeat for what must have been weeks. Every single track on this album I love, and I would not change a thing. I later went on to follow their career and consume their music for years to come. Lasgo serves as a seed for me when I use new music services that offer music discovery Lasgo is always the band I start with to see what it suggests based on that taste because it serves as the perfect entry point into EDM which is also why it's the first "pure" EDM album I've included on this list.
Evi is lead vocalist on every track except 'Cry' and 'Don't Belong 2 U' both of which Dave took lead vocal on. An honourable mention here is made to a solo single Dave released called 'Rave Heaven' which has gone on to feature on countless compilations and serves as one of those EDM tracks that anyone who follows EDM will instantly recognise. Dave has had other solo works and produced remixes for other artists over the years but Lasgo still remains the thing I know him for most.
My favourite track of the entire album is 'Follow You' which again reflects the feeling of wanting someone so much that it hurts, the lyrics "I wanna be with you, I wanna follow you, I wanna be with you wherever you may go" sum up just how strong that feeling can be and how much you wish the idyllic life you picture together with them could replace the life you live.
Lasgo's music is upbeat for the most part, some tracks they have produced reflect something darker but it's always set against a progressive electronic style. An honourable mention here also goes to their second album, 'Far Away' which I was tempted to also include as I love the whole thing from start to finish but there are other artists I want to feature. I will give mention to 'Surrender', 'Lying', and 'Tell Me' from that album all of which I adore, particularly 'Lying' which deals with the complication of relationships when other people start to interfere with them.
Music Monday #34: Animal by Kesha
I have a lot of qualms about including this album, not because of the music or the lyrics or the artist but because of the controversy attached to it and again that comes down to politics and social justice. All I can say is that I love Kesha, I love her music, I support her as an artist, and I will continue to do all of that but if you don't own this album I can't encourage anyone to go and buy it for the simple reason that you'll be financially contributing to someone else who I wouldn't want you to contribute anything to, I don't want to go into this in depth because I am still angry about the way Kesha was treated and the outcome. If you want a way to support her creative endeavours without buying her music, she has launched a cosmetics line called Kesha Rose Beauty in collaboration with HipDot which is vegan and cruelty free so you can feel no guilt about contributing.
Having said all of that, Kesha remains one of my favourite artists and I hope that one day she can be free of her contract. 'Animal' was released in 2010 as Kesha's first album back when her name was stylized as Ke$ha and of all the tracks on this album there are 3 in particular I want to single out. The first is 'Tik Tok' because of the up tempo positive energy it conveys. The whole album is electro pop, it doesn't really get dark at any point, positivity is the prevailing theme. Tik Tok in particular is about having fun and letting go. The lyrics aren't that deep, there's no real profundity, it's just happy and upbeat and something that I still play when I want to feel happy and nothing else.
'Take It Off' equally embodies this sentiment, with a mid tempo beat that feels dirtier and grittier whilst still capturing the positive vibes. The whole album although not classified as dance officially to me I would still consider EDM inspired albeit firmly in the realm of pop, Kesha to me represents a mainstream interpretation of EDM, indeed she has gone on to work with some big names from the EDM scene including Zedd whose work I love but again has been embroiled in controversy. I do miss a time when you could be completely oblivious to the wider world and focused entirely on the art and what it represents but sometimes you can't escape reality and it becomes very hard to ignore.
The last track I want to specifically focus on is 'Blah Blah Blah' which features 3OH!3. Another up tempo track that I love for the happy carefree mindset it evokes. I've mentioned before that my childhood was disrupted by trauma, and that my personality flipped, I went from an extrovert to being an introvert, but also in the process I disengaged with people my own age for a time becoming a reclusive person who spoke when they were spoken to but made no effort to engage and no effort to approach. The shyness I felt saw me miss out on much of the social development most people acquire during their teenage years.
I was old before my time in many ways I leap-frogged my teenage years into a mindset most people didn't develop until their 30s. When I emerged from that period of my life and went to college I reverted in many ways and experienced some of that development but not to the same extent that others had. My late teens and early 20s in this regard were closer to what most people experience in their late 20s. I was "growing down" as I often refer to it.
After I left University however when I entered my mid 20s around 2012 that was when my connection with Kesha's music really began to take hold. I had been aware of her music and I had paid fleeting attention to her career but I entered a mindset in my mid 20s that I view as the period when I went through my adolescence - I don't mean in the physical sense but in a mental and metaphorical sense. The 2010s for me represent the embodiment of what teenage life encompasses, the turmoil, the transition, the transformation, rebellion, collapse, all giving way to rebirth in the end with new growth and new maturity. That is the mindset I experienced and the journey I took, that period of collapse I was not prepared for and I sought professional help to get through it as I have mentioned on this blog when I wrote about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Where my mindset is now in 2020 is once again at the late 20s/ early 30s, the latter of which is where my actual age now lies [32] so I've levelled out.
Kesha's music career really evolved over the course of the 2010s and came at the right time to coincide with the mentality I had during that time. I connected with her music because it embodied everything I viewed as teenage life. That regression for a time was easier to process and emerge from in the end having a touchstone that could serve as a guide of where the natural progression of that mindset would lead. In many ways Kesha's personal growth and her life journey served as a parallel to my own, and for those who know the intimate details of the trauma I experienced in childhood it turned out to be almost disturbing when I realised how deep that affinity went, I had no idea what she had been through but when everything came to light the realisation of what drew me to Kesha became so apparent and so obvious to me that it hit me like a brick wall. This is part of the reason for why I feel so angry for her for how she was treated and for the fact she never got the justice she deserved because I project onto her my anger and dissatisfaction at what I experienced, how I was treated, and the impact it had on me.
Kesha will feature again on this list, it won't surprise you to know she'll appear twice more. I'll cover her journey in much more detail across those posts. For now suffice to say I accept the criticisms people have of her music, her style, and her lyrics that they often say lack depth but given my association of that period of time in her music career reflecting adolescence I don't think any of those criticisms are valid because I don't think anyone seriously expects a teenager to be deep and profound and create what contemporary artists consider masterpieces, that's not to say there aren't teenagers who are capable of such things, because there certainly are, but Kesha is 1 year older than me, she was 22 when she released Animal and it was marketed to people younger than her, she captured that time of your life perfectly, context is important, you can pick any artist you want and I could pick an artist to compare them to that would make you think they were insignificant, it's important to know your audience, your demographic, and what you're trying to connect with. Kesha knew that well and the journey she has taken with her music reflects that.
Having said all of that, Kesha remains one of my favourite artists and I hope that one day she can be free of her contract. 'Animal' was released in 2010 as Kesha's first album back when her name was stylized as Ke$ha and of all the tracks on this album there are 3 in particular I want to single out. The first is 'Tik Tok' because of the up tempo positive energy it conveys. The whole album is electro pop, it doesn't really get dark at any point, positivity is the prevailing theme. Tik Tok in particular is about having fun and letting go. The lyrics aren't that deep, there's no real profundity, it's just happy and upbeat and something that I still play when I want to feel happy and nothing else.
'Take It Off' equally embodies this sentiment, with a mid tempo beat that feels dirtier and grittier whilst still capturing the positive vibes. The whole album although not classified as dance officially to me I would still consider EDM inspired albeit firmly in the realm of pop, Kesha to me represents a mainstream interpretation of EDM, indeed she has gone on to work with some big names from the EDM scene including Zedd whose work I love but again has been embroiled in controversy. I do miss a time when you could be completely oblivious to the wider world and focused entirely on the art and what it represents but sometimes you can't escape reality and it becomes very hard to ignore.
The last track I want to specifically focus on is 'Blah Blah Blah' which features 3OH!3. Another up tempo track that I love for the happy carefree mindset it evokes. I've mentioned before that my childhood was disrupted by trauma, and that my personality flipped, I went from an extrovert to being an introvert, but also in the process I disengaged with people my own age for a time becoming a reclusive person who spoke when they were spoken to but made no effort to engage and no effort to approach. The shyness I felt saw me miss out on much of the social development most people acquire during their teenage years.
I was old before my time in many ways I leap-frogged my teenage years into a mindset most people didn't develop until their 30s. When I emerged from that period of my life and went to college I reverted in many ways and experienced some of that development but not to the same extent that others had. My late teens and early 20s in this regard were closer to what most people experience in their late 20s. I was "growing down" as I often refer to it.
After I left University however when I entered my mid 20s around 2012 that was when my connection with Kesha's music really began to take hold. I had been aware of her music and I had paid fleeting attention to her career but I entered a mindset in my mid 20s that I view as the period when I went through my adolescence - I don't mean in the physical sense but in a mental and metaphorical sense. The 2010s for me represent the embodiment of what teenage life encompasses, the turmoil, the transition, the transformation, rebellion, collapse, all giving way to rebirth in the end with new growth and new maturity. That is the mindset I experienced and the journey I took, that period of collapse I was not prepared for and I sought professional help to get through it as I have mentioned on this blog when I wrote about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Where my mindset is now in 2020 is once again at the late 20s/ early 30s, the latter of which is where my actual age now lies [32] so I've levelled out.
Kesha's music career really evolved over the course of the 2010s and came at the right time to coincide with the mentality I had during that time. I connected with her music because it embodied everything I viewed as teenage life. That regression for a time was easier to process and emerge from in the end having a touchstone that could serve as a guide of where the natural progression of that mindset would lead. In many ways Kesha's personal growth and her life journey served as a parallel to my own, and for those who know the intimate details of the trauma I experienced in childhood it turned out to be almost disturbing when I realised how deep that affinity went, I had no idea what she had been through but when everything came to light the realisation of what drew me to Kesha became so apparent and so obvious to me that it hit me like a brick wall. This is part of the reason for why I feel so angry for her for how she was treated and for the fact she never got the justice she deserved because I project onto her my anger and dissatisfaction at what I experienced, how I was treated, and the impact it had on me.
Kesha will feature again on this list, it won't surprise you to know she'll appear twice more. I'll cover her journey in much more detail across those posts. For now suffice to say I accept the criticisms people have of her music, her style, and her lyrics that they often say lack depth but given my association of that period of time in her music career reflecting adolescence I don't think any of those criticisms are valid because I don't think anyone seriously expects a teenager to be deep and profound and create what contemporary artists consider masterpieces, that's not to say there aren't teenagers who are capable of such things, because there certainly are, but Kesha is 1 year older than me, she was 22 when she released Animal and it was marketed to people younger than her, she captured that time of your life perfectly, context is important, you can pick any artist you want and I could pick an artist to compare them to that would make you think they were insignificant, it's important to know your audience, your demographic, and what you're trying to connect with. Kesha knew that well and the journey she has taken with her music reflects that.
Music Monday #33: Looking Glass by The Birthday Massacre
In one of the previous posts in this series I said that covers are rarely better than the originals with a few exceptions. I don't have anything against the idea of doing a cover, I think it can be a good thing but I think it only really works when the artist can capture the meaning of the lyrics and create a new perspective, a new interpretation, or transform the original track into something new and fresh.
The Birthday Massacre released 'Looking Glass' in 2008 but it wasn't until several years later that I discovered the album and subsequently explored their discography. I stumbled across the album by chance when I was looking up 'I Think We're Alone Now' a song originally recorded by Tommy James and the Shondells in 1967 but most widely know for the 1987 cover of the song by Tiffany. The Tiffany version was the first that I heard and from the moment I heard it I fell in love with it. The title alone has served as my status on various social media platforms and instant messengers over the years, back in the glory days of MSN instant messenger it was pretty much the only status I ever used. The song itself has so much meaning for me, but I adore it in every incarnation and over the years I have sought out covers of it to see who has redone the track and their interpretation.
The Birthday Massacre's cover of 'I Think We're Alone Now' is my favourite version of the track out of all versions that exist right now, including the Tiffany version which comes in second. From the moment I hit play on the Youtube video lying in bed unable to sleep randomly browsing related videos I was electrified. The synthesizers, the drums, the electric flavour, the 80s vibes, and the darker undertones that The Birthday Massacre brought to the track made me grin wide with intrigue. I got up at 3 in the morning out of bed and looked for the album first of all and fell down the rabbit hole. I played a few tracks and loved it, I bought the album and TBM have now become one of the most played artists in my music library in a short space of time, only a few years now, I don't know what year it was I discovered them.
Looking Glass is by far my favourite album of theirs but honourable mentions go to 'Under Your Spell', 'Violet', and 'Walking With Strangers' all of which I adore completely. Looking Glass is once more one of those albums that is perfect to me, every track from start to end and the entire album from start to finish I can listen to without skipping. I've followed TBM's journey ever since I discovered them, I own every album, I've shared links to their work with anyone who I think would be interested and I am confident they will feature in my music library for many years to come. Their sound is everything I want and more.
I want to single out one other track in particular, the title track of the album. The video for this track instantly made me fall in love with it, but the lyrics are exquisite, in particular, "Waiting as I'm wanting to, Speaking as I'm spoken to, Changing to your point of view, Fading as I follow you" speaks of the loss of self and giving in to someone else's vision conforming to their expectations either to impress them or because you feel it's the price to pay for their love, but beyond this, the lyrics, "A boyish notion of false emotion, These words are spoken despite my love, A fool's devotion was set in motion, My eyes are open now" these just speak directly to me, the idea of awakening to truth and seeing through the lies to something pure and raw, and realising just how much of yourself you sacrificed and hoping you woke up in time to save yourself. The lyrics go further perfectly capturing the nature of toxic love, "It's a glass cage so I can't pretend, You hide beneath the physical, I see it coming but I can't defend, You cut so deep, my belief is gone" laying bare feeling of exposure when realise the physical connection masks the fact there's no depth or true emotion and just how deep that hurts when that realisation is felt. Then finally letting go, "Tell me what I want to say, Save me for another day, Break me, it's the game you play, Hate me as I turn away" laying bare the realisation that you know what they did and you've had enough.
The Birthday Massacre are unique in that the emotional connection I formed with them has been one that developed much later in life within the last few years, most artists I have this connection with are artists that it has taken decades for that depth to become so rooted in my psyche. I am grateful that I found their work when I did, I do believe my younger self would have adored them too particularly during the emo phase I went through despite the fact they are not an emo band, they are instead part of goth culture, in particular their style of music fuses gothic rock with new wage the latter of which given its punk rock origins should come as no surprise as being a genre I have since begun to explore and found very appealing. This discovery and exploration however exemplifies the fact that as you grow there is always more to experience and if you get rooted in what you already know and never venture beyond it then you deny yourself the possibility of new experiences that might blow your mind. Be open, explore, look beyond what you know because you never know what you might find and how it might change your world for the better.
The Birthday Massacre released 'Looking Glass' in 2008 but it wasn't until several years later that I discovered the album and subsequently explored their discography. I stumbled across the album by chance when I was looking up 'I Think We're Alone Now' a song originally recorded by Tommy James and the Shondells in 1967 but most widely know for the 1987 cover of the song by Tiffany. The Tiffany version was the first that I heard and from the moment I heard it I fell in love with it. The title alone has served as my status on various social media platforms and instant messengers over the years, back in the glory days of MSN instant messenger it was pretty much the only status I ever used. The song itself has so much meaning for me, but I adore it in every incarnation and over the years I have sought out covers of it to see who has redone the track and their interpretation.
The Birthday Massacre's cover of 'I Think We're Alone Now' is my favourite version of the track out of all versions that exist right now, including the Tiffany version which comes in second. From the moment I hit play on the Youtube video lying in bed unable to sleep randomly browsing related videos I was electrified. The synthesizers, the drums, the electric flavour, the 80s vibes, and the darker undertones that The Birthday Massacre brought to the track made me grin wide with intrigue. I got up at 3 in the morning out of bed and looked for the album first of all and fell down the rabbit hole. I played a few tracks and loved it, I bought the album and TBM have now become one of the most played artists in my music library in a short space of time, only a few years now, I don't know what year it was I discovered them.
Looking Glass is by far my favourite album of theirs but honourable mentions go to 'Under Your Spell', 'Violet', and 'Walking With Strangers' all of which I adore completely. Looking Glass is once more one of those albums that is perfect to me, every track from start to end and the entire album from start to finish I can listen to without skipping. I've followed TBM's journey ever since I discovered them, I own every album, I've shared links to their work with anyone who I think would be interested and I am confident they will feature in my music library for many years to come. Their sound is everything I want and more.
I want to single out one other track in particular, the title track of the album. The video for this track instantly made me fall in love with it, but the lyrics are exquisite, in particular, "Waiting as I'm wanting to, Speaking as I'm spoken to, Changing to your point of view, Fading as I follow you" speaks of the loss of self and giving in to someone else's vision conforming to their expectations either to impress them or because you feel it's the price to pay for their love, but beyond this, the lyrics, "A boyish notion of false emotion, These words are spoken despite my love, A fool's devotion was set in motion, My eyes are open now" these just speak directly to me, the idea of awakening to truth and seeing through the lies to something pure and raw, and realising just how much of yourself you sacrificed and hoping you woke up in time to save yourself. The lyrics go further perfectly capturing the nature of toxic love, "It's a glass cage so I can't pretend, You hide beneath the physical, I see it coming but I can't defend, You cut so deep, my belief is gone" laying bare feeling of exposure when realise the physical connection masks the fact there's no depth or true emotion and just how deep that hurts when that realisation is felt. Then finally letting go, "Tell me what I want to say, Save me for another day, Break me, it's the game you play, Hate me as I turn away" laying bare the realisation that you know what they did and you've had enough.
The Birthday Massacre are unique in that the emotional connection I formed with them has been one that developed much later in life within the last few years, most artists I have this connection with are artists that it has taken decades for that depth to become so rooted in my psyche. I am grateful that I found their work when I did, I do believe my younger self would have adored them too particularly during the emo phase I went through despite the fact they are not an emo band, they are instead part of goth culture, in particular their style of music fuses gothic rock with new wage the latter of which given its punk rock origins should come as no surprise as being a genre I have since begun to explore and found very appealing. This discovery and exploration however exemplifies the fact that as you grow there is always more to experience and if you get rooted in what you already know and never venture beyond it then you deny yourself the possibility of new experiences that might blow your mind. Be open, explore, look beyond what you know because you never know what you might find and how it might change your world for the better.
Music Monday #32: I'm Not Dead by Pink
I said there'd be another album from Pink that would feature on this list and this is it, the aptly titled 'I'm Not Dead' which if you have read the post about Misundaztood you will probably smirk and think that's a bit on the nose and you'd be right, the title's literal significance is why I chose it.
I said in my last post about Pink that she is part of the reason I am still here, still alive, able to make it this far. That's not an understatement in my mind, despite the level of articulation in my writing, the extensive vocabulary, the complex lexicon I employ at times, and the elaborate analogies and metaphors I draw upon, I wasn't always capable of expressing myself in this way. My writing style has evolved over the years because of advice I was given by my High School English teacher, one of the few teachers that I am convinced knew I was gay, and tried in her own way to tell me it was ok whilst walking that fine line that Section 28 imposed. The most salient piece of advice she gave me was to never stop writing. To always find time to write even when you thought what you wrote was shit to keep doing it and keep developing it because it is a craft and it is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. Of course she didn't use the word shit, but she did allude to it and the understanding was there. That advice goes beyond practising your craft however, it lets you process your thoughts and feelings and acts as a form of therapy.
I practised my writing from my teenage years and never stopped, I still practise it today and choose that word because I do not believe anyone ever truly masters this craft, there is always more to learn, more to experiment with, and more to write. This ability to express myself through this medium however took years to develop and is in many ways still developing. Before I could express myself so freely I turned to others, to their words, to their craft, to see in their work a reflection of myself. The bonds that I forged through music with artists and their lyrics came most strongly with those who wrote and sang about the things that meant the most to be, that expressed how I was feeling. Misundaztood in 2001 came at a time when I needed it most and I fervently defend my assertion that I am here in part because of Pink, because when I couldn't put into words how I felt, she could.
'I'm Not Dead' was released in 2006 as my time at college was coming to an end and I was looking to my future, to University and the path to a life beyond it. I had hope, I had a future that I wanted to live for, and I could celebrate the fact that I was still alive. I still had problems, everyone does, life is defined by them in many ways, you can never escape all of your problems and it's unrealistic to think you can - this is one reason I often assert for my mistrust of people who always smile and are seemingly always happy, I see that as contrived and to be frank, bullshit. No-one is happy all of the time and no-one smiles all of the time, if you do, that makes me immediately think you have something to hide. That's not a desire to see you struggle or suffer, it's just a belief I held and continue to hold, even now with the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques that led me to question every belief I held without question I still hold onto this belief because it stands its ground when confronted, it holds true.
'Who Knew' is the first track from this album I want to mention specifically, this is a track that has grown in significance for me. When I first heard it I had someone in mind, but over the years it has been associated with more than one person, not just romantic interests but platonic and even familial. That feeling of departure, of loss, of being so close to someone at one point in your life only a few years later to be worlds apart, this hit me in the heart for the family members I lost, for the friends that drifted apart, for the loves I thought would be a part of my life forever only to become strangers.
'Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)' is the next, and my God if a song ever summed up my feelings at times this is it. I have mentioned many times I am introverted in my nature, I form deep rooted attachments to people, and I like to get to know people but all of that is mentally exhausting to me. I want people in my life but I can't maintain the level of social contact and exposure that other people seem to be able to do so easily. I have to recharge, I need time to myself at times and the lyrics "You taste so sweet, But I can't eat the same thing every day, Cuttin' off the phone, Leave me the fuck alone, Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home" reflects my sentiment deeply, I need space at times but that doesn't mean I want to lose you or say goodbye it just means I need to recharge. Once again this applies to romantic, platonic, and familial loves. I know that some people who have experienced the early days of forming a connection with me might find this surprising and I can see why.
The thing is, I am an incredibly curious person, I ask questions, I listen to the answers, and I try and learn as much as I can. When I get to know someone, I want to know as much about them and their journey as I can. The early stages of connecting with me if you get passed the initial shyness is always followed by an intense period where I essentially try to "catch up" on your life story, binging it. I realise that this isn't something everyone can handle and I've tried to moderate myself over the years. I've lost more than a few friendships that could have been so much more because I couldn't hold back, to borrow a metaphor one friend often used, I threw them into the deep end, and they drowned.
On a related note 'Stupid Girls' touched on something else that I had always found frustrating and that was the idea of vapidity and shallow connections. Superficiality in all its forms always pissed me off. I can't feign interest in people when I don't actually care, I know this comes off as rude to people and I don't know how to counterbalance it. If the development of friendships and relationships is complicated by going to deep too quick then it's true to say my feeling of disconnection from the world stems from my inability to engage in small talk and meaningless conversation. Stupid Girls is a song that expresses Pink's frustration with the lack of value attached to substance and depth, something which I feel has only gotten worse as time has passed since its release.
I can't let this album pass by without paying particular attention to the title track. The album as a whole speaks to me but the title track more than anything reflects that sense of celebration at still being alive, although the song as a whole is a love song, or a the aftermath of love, the final verse and the final refrain sum up my feelings so I'll close the post off with them, but before that I would just like to reiterate something I wrote in a previous post, love songs often focus on an unnamed person and whilst that person is usually someone in particular that I associate it with, there are times where that person is myself, or my ego as the case may be, in this regard the lyrics speak of the person you were, or the person you want to be, or the search for who you are, and for me this is one of those songs, a love song to myself - and yes I am a believer in the importance of loving yourself [Shhh spoilers] but we'll discuss that in another post. For now, I leave you with the lyrics:
I said in my last post about Pink that she is part of the reason I am still here, still alive, able to make it this far. That's not an understatement in my mind, despite the level of articulation in my writing, the extensive vocabulary, the complex lexicon I employ at times, and the elaborate analogies and metaphors I draw upon, I wasn't always capable of expressing myself in this way. My writing style has evolved over the years because of advice I was given by my High School English teacher, one of the few teachers that I am convinced knew I was gay, and tried in her own way to tell me it was ok whilst walking that fine line that Section 28 imposed. The most salient piece of advice she gave me was to never stop writing. To always find time to write even when you thought what you wrote was shit to keep doing it and keep developing it because it is a craft and it is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. Of course she didn't use the word shit, but she did allude to it and the understanding was there. That advice goes beyond practising your craft however, it lets you process your thoughts and feelings and acts as a form of therapy.
I practised my writing from my teenage years and never stopped, I still practise it today and choose that word because I do not believe anyone ever truly masters this craft, there is always more to learn, more to experiment with, and more to write. This ability to express myself through this medium however took years to develop and is in many ways still developing. Before I could express myself so freely I turned to others, to their words, to their craft, to see in their work a reflection of myself. The bonds that I forged through music with artists and their lyrics came most strongly with those who wrote and sang about the things that meant the most to be, that expressed how I was feeling. Misundaztood in 2001 came at a time when I needed it most and I fervently defend my assertion that I am here in part because of Pink, because when I couldn't put into words how I felt, she could.
'I'm Not Dead' was released in 2006 as my time at college was coming to an end and I was looking to my future, to University and the path to a life beyond it. I had hope, I had a future that I wanted to live for, and I could celebrate the fact that I was still alive. I still had problems, everyone does, life is defined by them in many ways, you can never escape all of your problems and it's unrealistic to think you can - this is one reason I often assert for my mistrust of people who always smile and are seemingly always happy, I see that as contrived and to be frank, bullshit. No-one is happy all of the time and no-one smiles all of the time, if you do, that makes me immediately think you have something to hide. That's not a desire to see you struggle or suffer, it's just a belief I held and continue to hold, even now with the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques that led me to question every belief I held without question I still hold onto this belief because it stands its ground when confronted, it holds true.
'Who Knew' is the first track from this album I want to mention specifically, this is a track that has grown in significance for me. When I first heard it I had someone in mind, but over the years it has been associated with more than one person, not just romantic interests but platonic and even familial. That feeling of departure, of loss, of being so close to someone at one point in your life only a few years later to be worlds apart, this hit me in the heart for the family members I lost, for the friends that drifted apart, for the loves I thought would be a part of my life forever only to become strangers.
'Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)' is the next, and my God if a song ever summed up my feelings at times this is it. I have mentioned many times I am introverted in my nature, I form deep rooted attachments to people, and I like to get to know people but all of that is mentally exhausting to me. I want people in my life but I can't maintain the level of social contact and exposure that other people seem to be able to do so easily. I have to recharge, I need time to myself at times and the lyrics "You taste so sweet, But I can't eat the same thing every day, Cuttin' off the phone, Leave me the fuck alone, Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home" reflects my sentiment deeply, I need space at times but that doesn't mean I want to lose you or say goodbye it just means I need to recharge. Once again this applies to romantic, platonic, and familial loves. I know that some people who have experienced the early days of forming a connection with me might find this surprising and I can see why.
The thing is, I am an incredibly curious person, I ask questions, I listen to the answers, and I try and learn as much as I can. When I get to know someone, I want to know as much about them and their journey as I can. The early stages of connecting with me if you get passed the initial shyness is always followed by an intense period where I essentially try to "catch up" on your life story, binging it. I realise that this isn't something everyone can handle and I've tried to moderate myself over the years. I've lost more than a few friendships that could have been so much more because I couldn't hold back, to borrow a metaphor one friend often used, I threw them into the deep end, and they drowned.
On a related note 'Stupid Girls' touched on something else that I had always found frustrating and that was the idea of vapidity and shallow connections. Superficiality in all its forms always pissed me off. I can't feign interest in people when I don't actually care, I know this comes off as rude to people and I don't know how to counterbalance it. If the development of friendships and relationships is complicated by going to deep too quick then it's true to say my feeling of disconnection from the world stems from my inability to engage in small talk and meaningless conversation. Stupid Girls is a song that expresses Pink's frustration with the lack of value attached to substance and depth, something which I feel has only gotten worse as time has passed since its release.
I can't let this album pass by without paying particular attention to the title track. The album as a whole speaks to me but the title track more than anything reflects that sense of celebration at still being alive, although the song as a whole is a love song, or a the aftermath of love, the final verse and the final refrain sum up my feelings so I'll close the post off with them, but before that I would just like to reiterate something I wrote in a previous post, love songs often focus on an unnamed person and whilst that person is usually someone in particular that I associate it with, there are times where that person is myself, or my ego as the case may be, in this regard the lyrics speak of the person you were, or the person you want to be, or the search for who you are, and for me this is one of those songs, a love song to myself - and yes I am a believer in the importance of loving yourself [Shhh spoilers] but we'll discuss that in another post. For now, I leave you with the lyrics:
I'm not dead just yet I'm not dead I'm just floating
Doesn't matter where I'm going
I'll find you
I'm not scared at all
Underneath the cuts and bruises
Finally gained what no one loses
I'll find you
I will find you
I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah
Doesn't matter where I'm going
I'll find you
I'm not scared at all
Underneath the cuts and bruises
Finally gained what no one loses
I'll find you
I will find you
I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah
Music Monday #31: 200 km/h In The Wrong Lane by t.A.T.u
Growing up attending all-male schools for the first 12 years of my education had a strange effect on my perception of the world, not just because it was biased towards male oriented thought patterns but also because it made me acutely aware of the divergence that existed between the way straight men think and gay men think - at least this is how I rationalised the disparity and disconnection I felt growing up. In time I would come to realise how right I was and how wrong I was about each assumption I made about the way straight men think versus the way I assumed other gay men would think given my limited exposure to the latter.
One thing however that confused me particularly in my teenage years was the idea that homosexuality specifically, defined by two people of the same gender being attracted and engaged in sexual acts wasn't a concept that was treated as a whole, instead I became aware quite quickly that a gender bias existed. In 2002 a Russian pop duo called t.A.T.u. came onto the music scene in the UK and at the age of 14 I got the first explicit experience of the disparity that exists in the treatment of gay men and gay women particularly by straight men. The former was something that was definitely wrong by their definition, could not be tolerated, and the latter they were completely fine with as long as they got to watch - that in itself was something that made me cringe. This fetishisation of lesbians however is something in time I would learn was far more prevalent than I thought.
The contradiction that existed led me as a young gay man to think for the longest time that gay women were more widely accepted than gay men - it wouldn't be until University when I actually met lesbians through the LGBT society and heard their life stories and their experiences that I realised that really wasn't the case, that cringeworthy feeling I had was justified because this fetishisation in reality is much more invasive and pervasive. The rate of sexual assault that lesbians experience I could immediately see was rooted in the toxicity that existed in that all-male environment, ultimately I concluded that the cause was the fact that no authority existed to place a check and balance on the beliefs that were forming at the most influential period of our lives. I can see the evolution (that word is a misnomer here because this isn't evolution it's the opposite, but it's the only word that fits) of the belief system that was developed in the minds of certain men. It was the same imbalance that existed with the development of homophobic beliefs, and sexist beliefs they grew because there was no challenge, and that challenge to those beliefs had to come from an authority figure but on these subjects they were absent. Part of that can be attributed to Section 28 paralysing schools from actually confronting these issues and even though it was later repealed it came too late for my generation who had already left that environment by the time changes were brought in.
Even now I don't know how much has really changed. People often criticise social justice warriors but their activity garners attention and whether you agree with them or not their voice acts as a counter balance, an opposition to established thinking. The prominence of social justice warriors would not be such if social justice actually existed.
In many ways the progress of LGBT rights through legislation and societal shifts has weakened LGBT activism. There are those in the L, G, and B, who feeling they have achieved enough to be comfortable have bowed out of the fight, leaving the T to fend for themselves backed up by the few who still value the community that once existed but now seems decimated. The decline of gay venues, bars and clubs in particular is a reflection of the belief that spaces devoted to these communities aren't needed but in reality all this achieves is to disconnect the community and essentially dismantle it. This is in effect the gentrification of gender, the redevelopment of the social landscape by redrawing boundaries and this is something within politics that can be seen by certain political organisations embracing the LGBT community who were opposed to it in its nascence, recognising that if they incorporate part of it and tolerate then the whole becomes weaker, giving way to rollbacks as seen in the USA and opposition is tested because those that have never had to organise before suddenly have to defend themselves and connecting with the community that will defend them they realise in that moment has been made significantly harder.
I realise this post has been dominated by politics with very little mention of music but the point remains, t.A.T.u. perfectly demonstrate this process, not just because they exploited the LGBT community to gain fame, but also because they later went on to express homophobic comments with Julia Volkova saying she would condemn her son if she found out he was gay and said it "wasn't natural" which spits in the face of the LGBT community.
I've said before that I feel the need to separate art from the artists, and this is a prime example. I liked their music, 200 k/m was an album that I played to death, 'Not Gonna Get Us', and 'All The Things She Said' were particular favourites, both of which have Russian versions featured on the same album, 'Nas Ne Dagoniat', and 'Ya Shosla S Uma' respectively. More than this, there is a track called 'How Soon Is Now' a cover of the song originally recorded by The Smiths, a song that I love, which has also been covered by Love Spit Love whose version was used in the soundtrack to the 1998 movie 'The Craft' one of my favourite movies.
There's a lot of emotion attached to this album for the fact that I loved it, and still do love the music, but have come to hate the artists that recorded it. I've already bought the album though many years ago before I heard about the comments they made, they gain nothing now from me listening to it which makes me feel less guilty about the fact I still listen to it. I said I wouldn't include music on this list that I hate and I stand by that because I love this album, I love the music, the lyrics, and the meaning behind them, but I fucking hate the artists and I do not endorse them at all.
There's a lot more I want to say about this but I will bite my tongue because it will quickly descend into vitriol.
One thing however that confused me particularly in my teenage years was the idea that homosexuality specifically, defined by two people of the same gender being attracted and engaged in sexual acts wasn't a concept that was treated as a whole, instead I became aware quite quickly that a gender bias existed. In 2002 a Russian pop duo called t.A.T.u. came onto the music scene in the UK and at the age of 14 I got the first explicit experience of the disparity that exists in the treatment of gay men and gay women particularly by straight men. The former was something that was definitely wrong by their definition, could not be tolerated, and the latter they were completely fine with as long as they got to watch - that in itself was something that made me cringe. This fetishisation of lesbians however is something in time I would learn was far more prevalent than I thought.
The contradiction that existed led me as a young gay man to think for the longest time that gay women were more widely accepted than gay men - it wouldn't be until University when I actually met lesbians through the LGBT society and heard their life stories and their experiences that I realised that really wasn't the case, that cringeworthy feeling I had was justified because this fetishisation in reality is much more invasive and pervasive. The rate of sexual assault that lesbians experience I could immediately see was rooted in the toxicity that existed in that all-male environment, ultimately I concluded that the cause was the fact that no authority existed to place a check and balance on the beliefs that were forming at the most influential period of our lives. I can see the evolution (that word is a misnomer here because this isn't evolution it's the opposite, but it's the only word that fits) of the belief system that was developed in the minds of certain men. It was the same imbalance that existed with the development of homophobic beliefs, and sexist beliefs they grew because there was no challenge, and that challenge to those beliefs had to come from an authority figure but on these subjects they were absent. Part of that can be attributed to Section 28 paralysing schools from actually confronting these issues and even though it was later repealed it came too late for my generation who had already left that environment by the time changes were brought in.
Even now I don't know how much has really changed. People often criticise social justice warriors but their activity garners attention and whether you agree with them or not their voice acts as a counter balance, an opposition to established thinking. The prominence of social justice warriors would not be such if social justice actually existed.
In many ways the progress of LGBT rights through legislation and societal shifts has weakened LGBT activism. There are those in the L, G, and B, who feeling they have achieved enough to be comfortable have bowed out of the fight, leaving the T to fend for themselves backed up by the few who still value the community that once existed but now seems decimated. The decline of gay venues, bars and clubs in particular is a reflection of the belief that spaces devoted to these communities aren't needed but in reality all this achieves is to disconnect the community and essentially dismantle it. This is in effect the gentrification of gender, the redevelopment of the social landscape by redrawing boundaries and this is something within politics that can be seen by certain political organisations embracing the LGBT community who were opposed to it in its nascence, recognising that if they incorporate part of it and tolerate then the whole becomes weaker, giving way to rollbacks as seen in the USA and opposition is tested because those that have never had to organise before suddenly have to defend themselves and connecting with the community that will defend them they realise in that moment has been made significantly harder.
I realise this post has been dominated by politics with very little mention of music but the point remains, t.A.T.u. perfectly demonstrate this process, not just because they exploited the LGBT community to gain fame, but also because they later went on to express homophobic comments with Julia Volkova saying she would condemn her son if she found out he was gay and said it "wasn't natural" which spits in the face of the LGBT community.
I've said before that I feel the need to separate art from the artists, and this is a prime example. I liked their music, 200 k/m was an album that I played to death, 'Not Gonna Get Us', and 'All The Things She Said' were particular favourites, both of which have Russian versions featured on the same album, 'Nas Ne Dagoniat', and 'Ya Shosla S Uma' respectively. More than this, there is a track called 'How Soon Is Now' a cover of the song originally recorded by The Smiths, a song that I love, which has also been covered by Love Spit Love whose version was used in the soundtrack to the 1998 movie 'The Craft' one of my favourite movies.
There's a lot of emotion attached to this album for the fact that I loved it, and still do love the music, but have come to hate the artists that recorded it. I've already bought the album though many years ago before I heard about the comments they made, they gain nothing now from me listening to it which makes me feel less guilty about the fact I still listen to it. I said I wouldn't include music on this list that I hate and I stand by that because I love this album, I love the music, the lyrics, and the meaning behind them, but I fucking hate the artists and I do not endorse them at all.
There's a lot more I want to say about this but I will bite my tongue because it will quickly descend into vitriol.
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