I watched an episode of the Jetsons tonight, specifically I watched the first episode. I had a feeling of nostalgia I needed to satisfy and it was the first thing to come to mind. After watching the episode it made me think about the visions of the future that we had in the past.
The Jetsons first aired in 1962 which will be 54 years ago this year. It envisioned a world where we lived in apartments suspended high in the sky - albeit in the cartoon the design of these apartments is that akin to the Space Needle, the concept of living in ever higher structures is something that they got partially right. As for the world of work, they envisioned people doing a simple menial task of pressing a button - again while many of our jobs are not yet that simple, with the increasing use of technology we are inching ever closer to that reality. Schools were envisioned to have lost actual names and been so many in number they were referred to by number instead - this one hasn't come to fruition despite our rising population.
In the very first episode the family get a robot butler. This has been a dream of science fiction for decades and we still haven't made this a practical reality; although we do have more and more integration of technology in our homes and the robotics industry is beginning to bring forth specialist markets where we have robots designed to do a specific thing. The barrier to this being practical remains to be the application of machine learning, or artificial intelligence - something which despite making great strides still illudes us.
Some elements of the show are less visual and more verbal; dialogue hints at the type of world that would exist where kids at school in the USA would take a school trip to Europe for the day, or go to Hawaii to go swimming as if it was 3 blocks away. That alludes to travel that is much faster than we have today, which also still remains a dream. We do however live in an era where some of our transport limitations are not limited by the technology itself but by economics. Supersonic air travel for example is something we have been capable for decades, yet after the Concorde disaster, commercial supersonic travel pretty much died. One would imagine with the price of oil being what it is today that fuel for planes needed for this type of travel would make it more economically viable. Similar economic restrictions exist as barriers to high speed rail; namely the cost of upgrading tracks and replacing rolling stock.
Video calling is also shown in the cartoon - that one they got right on the money. They also hinted at the prominence of credit and charging things rather than using cash, which again they got right on the money - literally. The fashion however never caught on, many of the affectations of future fashion where needless to say the least and gimmicky. The tendency to take anything mundane and stick an antenna on top of it to make it seem futuristic is something prevalent of the time. The need for visible antennae on things is something we escaped over the last 2 decades or so.
All things considered their vision of the future was not a million miles off the truth. While the state of the world today might not line up with their vision completely, looking forward to new technology and our own visions of the future, we have similar desires in many ways.
My question of the day is simply what vision of the future do you think was most accurate in TV, Film, or books that you have read?
Now You're Speaking My Language
We often find ourselves living within our own little worlds online. Sectioned off communities contained by invisible walls of obscurity. These walls divide us by knowledge, those with it pass through the walls and those without either bounce right off without realising or they meet those walls as barriers to entry.
Some of us stumble into these worlds unknowingly, and take up residence. Over time we integrate more and we learn more about the community as a whole and it begins to change us. At first those changes are subtle, little things like a new vocabulary of words creep into our lives. Surrounded by people within the same community we exist blissfully unaware of just how far down the rabbit hole we are following. In time we are full blown residents of wonderland speaking it's language freely at an almost native level. It is not until we meet Alice, someone who is not resident that we actually realise how divorced our world has become from everyone else.
We are sometimes on the other side of this scenario and find ourselves in Alice's shoes. Today I stumbled across a video on youtube, a review for a product and I watched about 1 minute of the video because I saw the title and had no idea what it was so thought "hmm what's that?" - after 1 minute I was still sitting scratching my head as nothing they had said made any sense to me. It was all plain English and they spoke in words I had heard before but clearly they had some different meaning to what I have experienced. So I googled the product and found their website and read through the description and still found myself scratching my head thinking "What's it actually for, what does it do?" - I realised I was Alice and this was wonderland. I thought to myself how muddied everything was and how no plain English explanations existed, even googling terms through up definitions for the meanings I had knew and things that became increasingly far fetched as possible explanations.
I left the page and went about my normal routine resigned to defeat over what it was I had actually seen. The thought did play on my mind and it made me realise there are many communities online that I have been part of at one point or another, from sexuality, politics, social issues, through to sciences, computing, programming, and design among others. The ubiquitous use of jargon that I have long since needed to google definitions for, and how much dialogue I used that would actually make sense to someone who had never ventured into those areas before became apparent to me. It is very easy to forget what knowledge is common and what is specialist. In many ways although we still speak English, we do speak another language. A subset of English, a dialect if you will.
My question of the day is simply how many specialist dialects like this do you speak? Can you have entire conversations with people without an outsider understanding a single word?
Some of us stumble into these worlds unknowingly, and take up residence. Over time we integrate more and we learn more about the community as a whole and it begins to change us. At first those changes are subtle, little things like a new vocabulary of words creep into our lives. Surrounded by people within the same community we exist blissfully unaware of just how far down the rabbit hole we are following. In time we are full blown residents of wonderland speaking it's language freely at an almost native level. It is not until we meet Alice, someone who is not resident that we actually realise how divorced our world has become from everyone else.
We are sometimes on the other side of this scenario and find ourselves in Alice's shoes. Today I stumbled across a video on youtube, a review for a product and I watched about 1 minute of the video because I saw the title and had no idea what it was so thought "hmm what's that?" - after 1 minute I was still sitting scratching my head as nothing they had said made any sense to me. It was all plain English and they spoke in words I had heard before but clearly they had some different meaning to what I have experienced. So I googled the product and found their website and read through the description and still found myself scratching my head thinking "What's it actually for, what does it do?" - I realised I was Alice and this was wonderland. I thought to myself how muddied everything was and how no plain English explanations existed, even googling terms through up definitions for the meanings I had knew and things that became increasingly far fetched as possible explanations.
I left the page and went about my normal routine resigned to defeat over what it was I had actually seen. The thought did play on my mind and it made me realise there are many communities online that I have been part of at one point or another, from sexuality, politics, social issues, through to sciences, computing, programming, and design among others. The ubiquitous use of jargon that I have long since needed to google definitions for, and how much dialogue I used that would actually make sense to someone who had never ventured into those areas before became apparent to me. It is very easy to forget what knowledge is common and what is specialist. In many ways although we still speak English, we do speak another language. A subset of English, a dialect if you will.
My question of the day is simply how many specialist dialects like this do you speak? Can you have entire conversations with people without an outsider understanding a single word?
Can you handle the truth?
The Internet is a wonderful place. On the surface. Deep down inside it is not so much. The Internet is in many ways something you need to learn how to limit yourself when you use it, because the Internet won't stop you from seeing or doing things that you really don't want to, or things that you'll really regret.
The wealth of information available to us online can at times be quite dangerous. Perhaps in no other way than by blurring the line between what we want to know, and what we don't - sometimes erasing it completely. We often find out things online and realise too late that it's something we didn't want to see, much in the same way as when you tread in dog mess, you don't realise what you have done until you feel the squish and the revolting stink lingers long after you clean it up.
While some things can be cleaned, others are a lot harder to overcome. Forgetting something you have seen is hard to do; at times it is true what they say, what is seen can't be unseen. I recently had an experience like this, I googled someone's name and I happened to click through a few tumblr profiles and stumbled across one belonging to someone I know online. The problem isn't the fact they have a tumblr profile, but what was on that profile.
What do you do when your casual internet stalking of someone you know throws up something you wish you hadn't seen, but just can't forget? When the content is something that is not easy to bring up in conversation, or when the truth of your behaviour is rather uncomfortable to admit? How do you say to someone "Oh by the way I found your Neo Nazi loving tumblr page; let's talk about Hitler" or even admit you were googling them in the first place, which, the only real reason for doing is the obvious - to find out what you can about them.
I've spoken about privacy in the past on other blogs and the one thing it always comes back to is the same - how much do you really want to know about a person? If I could somehow forget what I saw, would I even want to forget? Would I want to know someone like that, and be completely unaware? This does raise the question not only of how much you want to know about someone but also the question of how much you have a right to know - or how much you should know about someone. It's something they shared with the world, on a public profile, but never told me, does that make it wrong that I found out, or wrong that they never told me, or both?
If someone does something that might upset you, and they never tell you to avoid upsetting you, that doesn't change the fact it's upsetting. This poses an interesting question for all the couples out there - even though this particular person was not a romantic connection it still this applies to couples too - is there anything your partner could have done, that would make you leave them? If there is, have you ever asked them? Would you ask and risk ending your relationship, or would you want to continue not knowing and preserve the relationship?
The wealth of information available to us online can at times be quite dangerous. Perhaps in no other way than by blurring the line between what we want to know, and what we don't - sometimes erasing it completely. We often find out things online and realise too late that it's something we didn't want to see, much in the same way as when you tread in dog mess, you don't realise what you have done until you feel the squish and the revolting stink lingers long after you clean it up.
While some things can be cleaned, others are a lot harder to overcome. Forgetting something you have seen is hard to do; at times it is true what they say, what is seen can't be unseen. I recently had an experience like this, I googled someone's name and I happened to click through a few tumblr profiles and stumbled across one belonging to someone I know online. The problem isn't the fact they have a tumblr profile, but what was on that profile.
What do you do when your casual internet stalking of someone you know throws up something you wish you hadn't seen, but just can't forget? When the content is something that is not easy to bring up in conversation, or when the truth of your behaviour is rather uncomfortable to admit? How do you say to someone "Oh by the way I found your Neo Nazi loving tumblr page; let's talk about Hitler" or even admit you were googling them in the first place, which, the only real reason for doing is the obvious - to find out what you can about them.
I've spoken about privacy in the past on other blogs and the one thing it always comes back to is the same - how much do you really want to know about a person? If I could somehow forget what I saw, would I even want to forget? Would I want to know someone like that, and be completely unaware? This does raise the question not only of how much you want to know about someone but also the question of how much you have a right to know - or how much you should know about someone. It's something they shared with the world, on a public profile, but never told me, does that make it wrong that I found out, or wrong that they never told me, or both?
If someone does something that might upset you, and they never tell you to avoid upsetting you, that doesn't change the fact it's upsetting. This poses an interesting question for all the couples out there - even though this particular person was not a romantic connection it still this applies to couples too - is there anything your partner could have done, that would make you leave them? If there is, have you ever asked them? Would you ask and risk ending your relationship, or would you want to continue not knowing and preserve the relationship?
Lest We Forget
There are many things I can do, and there are many things I would like to be able to do. For example I know how to program, I know how to draw, I know how to make websites, and I know how to build computers. I'd like to be able to play a musical instrument, I'd like to be able to speak another language fluently, I'd like to be able to use 3D graphics packages like 3DS or Maya. What I find interesting about what we can and can't do, is that it does not seem to be something set in stone. Once you learn something, it doesn't mean you will be able to do it forever. While some things are "like riding a bike" - something you never forget - there are many other things that we can master at a point in our lives, only to find years later that we've seemingly forgot it all.
Memory is a bit like the space on a smart phone, and the phone itself is a bit like your brain. There are some "system" apps and "root" apps that once installed you can't get rid of [at least not without considerable effort] whereas the rest are all the apps that you install because you want to use them. They can be apps you rarely use, or they can be apps you use every single day for hours at a time. In a way those are like the things we learn how to do; they hang around as long as we need them or until we need space for a bigger app so we sacrifice them to make room. There lies the intriguing question for neuroscientists - is there a limit to human memory. There certainly is evidence to suggest the brain does "grade" knowledge based on how important it seems to be and we do appear to forget the less important bits as we continue to expand on what we already know.
There are a tonne of academic examples of knowledge we once master but seemingly discard when no longer relevant. I mean academic in the sense that it was an academic setting in which we learned them, for me personally a few examples would be quadratic equations, simultaneous equations, vector maths, and boolean logic - all of which I had no need for after I passed the relevant examinations for which I had to study these topics. I once knew how to do all of these with my eyes closed, now I would struggle to do even the most basic exercises in these.
Why do we spend so much time learning things that we don't need to know? Outside academia there are examples where the things we learn we do so out of enjoyment, games and TV shows are rich in back story, with some having entire Universes of canon for you to familiarise yourself with. Game Of Thrones is a prime example, there are dozens of story lines all unfolding simultaneously and as you watch through the series there is a wealth of information presented to you, to the extent that if you are not so perceptive much can be missed on first watch, adding value to those who actually rewatch the show. It is remarkable though that we can actually watch shows like this and manage to follow everything. Such examples seem to refute the idea that memory is limited, and while some cognitive psychologists like to rely on the figure 7, that a human being is generally only able to remember 7 things before they begin to forget them, as demonstrated by the number chain game, the Game Of Thrones Series has much more than 7 main characters and story lines.
The Number Chain Game if you are interested is played with a group of people where one person says a single number, the next person repeats it and adds another number to the end, and the next person repeats that and adds a number of their own, the chain continues until someone can't recall the whole number chain. Person A says "1", Person B says "1, 2", Person C says "1, 2, 7", and so on, the chain growing until someone can't recall the sequence. Most average groups will break between 7 and 11 figures.
My question of the day is what did you once master, but can't do anymore?
Memory is a bit like the space on a smart phone, and the phone itself is a bit like your brain. There are some "system" apps and "root" apps that once installed you can't get rid of [at least not without considerable effort] whereas the rest are all the apps that you install because you want to use them. They can be apps you rarely use, or they can be apps you use every single day for hours at a time. In a way those are like the things we learn how to do; they hang around as long as we need them or until we need space for a bigger app so we sacrifice them to make room. There lies the intriguing question for neuroscientists - is there a limit to human memory. There certainly is evidence to suggest the brain does "grade" knowledge based on how important it seems to be and we do appear to forget the less important bits as we continue to expand on what we already know.
There are a tonne of academic examples of knowledge we once master but seemingly discard when no longer relevant. I mean academic in the sense that it was an academic setting in which we learned them, for me personally a few examples would be quadratic equations, simultaneous equations, vector maths, and boolean logic - all of which I had no need for after I passed the relevant examinations for which I had to study these topics. I once knew how to do all of these with my eyes closed, now I would struggle to do even the most basic exercises in these.
Why do we spend so much time learning things that we don't need to know? Outside academia there are examples where the things we learn we do so out of enjoyment, games and TV shows are rich in back story, with some having entire Universes of canon for you to familiarise yourself with. Game Of Thrones is a prime example, there are dozens of story lines all unfolding simultaneously and as you watch through the series there is a wealth of information presented to you, to the extent that if you are not so perceptive much can be missed on first watch, adding value to those who actually rewatch the show. It is remarkable though that we can actually watch shows like this and manage to follow everything. Such examples seem to refute the idea that memory is limited, and while some cognitive psychologists like to rely on the figure 7, that a human being is generally only able to remember 7 things before they begin to forget them, as demonstrated by the number chain game, the Game Of Thrones Series has much more than 7 main characters and story lines.
The Number Chain Game if you are interested is played with a group of people where one person says a single number, the next person repeats it and adds another number to the end, and the next person repeats that and adds a number of their own, the chain continues until someone can't recall the whole number chain. Person A says "1", Person B says "1, 2", Person C says "1, 2, 7", and so on, the chain growing until someone can't recall the sequence. Most average groups will break between 7 and 11 figures.
My question of the day is what did you once master, but can't do anymore?
Unwritten Words
You might find the posts I write for this blog interesting. You might read them and gain an insight into my life or my mind or my personality or whatever it is motivates you to read them. You might do all that but what might interest you more is what is missing. I'm not talking about details I omit about the specifics of my life, no, I'm talking about the posts that I write, then scrap before posting.
There are many reasons why I decide to scrap posts. Sometimes they don't pan out the way I wanted to; sometimes I get caught up in a tangent that takes me onto another topic I'd much rather write about. There are other reasons, but the latter here is the reason this post was written. I had written a post that touched on something that was annoying me but as I wrote it I got side tracked and began to question why I was even wasting energy on something that's just not worth it. So I scrapped the post, but as I did it made me realise, what you read here is edited. What you read is what I choose to post.
You shouldn't use the posts I do publish as a guide, they're not a reliable indicator of quality or of how interesting the topics I don't publish might be; they're also not a good indicator of the level of controversy I am willing to write about. They are however a good indicator of the things I think are worthy of talking about or topics I feel merit discussion. The post I had written was political in nature and dealt with political propaganda on social media, but the post got quite heavy and right now the level of thought needed to devote to it is beyond the level I am willing to commit. The energy just is not worth spending on something that, in my opinion will ultimately be wasted.
I think in life with age I have become a lot more politically aware - in that I know more of what is going on in the political world - but conversely I've also become a lot less politically engaged. In a way I'd say I've become disillusioned with the political process as everything right now seems to be dark clouds and void of sense and sensibility. I don't have the will to try and change that, I feel that's something to be left to those younger than I filled with more passion who believe in their cause. I'm just not willing to devote that much energy. I've been jaded by promises broken by politicians, by the idea that things will change and the idea that your vote makes a difference; I am not short of memory as many of the electorate who vote seem to be. People have got incredibly short memories, that, or they has a masochistic desire to subject themselves to the worst. The irony of this post is that people reading it from different sides of the political spectrum will relate to it and share in the countenance despite the fact I have not actually said where I stand, just that I am discontent with the status quo. Which side of the coin you choose is not the problem, the problem is the coin. What I want politically is a real life Daenerys Targaryen, someone who does not just want to stop the wheel they want to break it.
There are many reasons why I decide to scrap posts. Sometimes they don't pan out the way I wanted to; sometimes I get caught up in a tangent that takes me onto another topic I'd much rather write about. There are other reasons, but the latter here is the reason this post was written. I had written a post that touched on something that was annoying me but as I wrote it I got side tracked and began to question why I was even wasting energy on something that's just not worth it. So I scrapped the post, but as I did it made me realise, what you read here is edited. What you read is what I choose to post.
You shouldn't use the posts I do publish as a guide, they're not a reliable indicator of quality or of how interesting the topics I don't publish might be; they're also not a good indicator of the level of controversy I am willing to write about. They are however a good indicator of the things I think are worthy of talking about or topics I feel merit discussion. The post I had written was political in nature and dealt with political propaganda on social media, but the post got quite heavy and right now the level of thought needed to devote to it is beyond the level I am willing to commit. The energy just is not worth spending on something that, in my opinion will ultimately be wasted.
I think in life with age I have become a lot more politically aware - in that I know more of what is going on in the political world - but conversely I've also become a lot less politically engaged. In a way I'd say I've become disillusioned with the political process as everything right now seems to be dark clouds and void of sense and sensibility. I don't have the will to try and change that, I feel that's something to be left to those younger than I filled with more passion who believe in their cause. I'm just not willing to devote that much energy. I've been jaded by promises broken by politicians, by the idea that things will change and the idea that your vote makes a difference; I am not short of memory as many of the electorate who vote seem to be. People have got incredibly short memories, that, or they has a masochistic desire to subject themselves to the worst. The irony of this post is that people reading it from different sides of the political spectrum will relate to it and share in the countenance despite the fact I have not actually said where I stand, just that I am discontent with the status quo. Which side of the coin you choose is not the problem, the problem is the coin. What I want politically is a real life Daenerys Targaryen, someone who does not just want to stop the wheel they want to break it.
Love Hurts
I once told someone I loved them, and at the time I meant it. What I didn't know at the time was that although the emotion, the connection, and the happiness I felt were stronger than I had ever felt before, they weren't the strongest I would ever feel. When I look back on that time in my life I feel bad for him because I don't know if I really did love him, or if I just liked him a lot. In any case we eventually parted ways and nothing came of what we had, despite what we both felt. The fact nothing came of it is what makes me question my feelings. That might just be wishful thinking - wishing that I didn't make a mistake saying it.
Years later there had been others I had said it to as well. With each one however the intensity of what I felt grew. When I look back in comparison the emotions aren't really comparable. I have not said it to every guy I liked. In fact there have been a few I really liked who said it to me first and I couldn't say it back. I'm a firm believer that when it's right, you know it. That, and I believe that true love is requited. I've been in unrequited love and in my own belief it is soul destroying. When you long to be with someone and you have such powerful emotions that inspire deep rooted feelings for someone it can make you feel so happy, and in every moment that it is apparent they don't feel the same way, another piece of your heart is ripped out. Love hurts, it's true, it's also the most dangerous weapon, because it can be completely unseen, it can't be controlled, it can't be stopped, it can't be neutralised, and it can kill you - quite literally, there is a condition known as 'Broken Heart Syndrome', it's medical name is 'Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy' - it gained the nickname broken heart syndrome because it can be triggered "by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or constant anxiety" - the heart literally swells and the cardiac muscle weakens.
My question of the day is have you ever loved somebody so much it hurt?
Years later there had been others I had said it to as well. With each one however the intensity of what I felt grew. When I look back in comparison the emotions aren't really comparable. I have not said it to every guy I liked. In fact there have been a few I really liked who said it to me first and I couldn't say it back. I'm a firm believer that when it's right, you know it. That, and I believe that true love is requited. I've been in unrequited love and in my own belief it is soul destroying. When you long to be with someone and you have such powerful emotions that inspire deep rooted feelings for someone it can make you feel so happy, and in every moment that it is apparent they don't feel the same way, another piece of your heart is ripped out. Love hurts, it's true, it's also the most dangerous weapon, because it can be completely unseen, it can't be controlled, it can't be stopped, it can't be neutralised, and it can kill you - quite literally, there is a condition known as 'Broken Heart Syndrome', it's medical name is 'Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy' - it gained the nickname broken heart syndrome because it can be triggered "by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or constant anxiety" - the heart literally swells and the cardiac muscle weakens.
My question of the day is have you ever loved somebody so much it hurt?
Faceless Competition
To live vicariously is to let others achieve things you want to achieve and feel happiness for them, as you get to see what it's like to experience the achievement without doing it yourself. I know a few people who get immensely jealous of others' success. I've never been one of those people, on the contrary I've actually been one of the people that motivates others and spurs them on to achieve their goals. I've encouraged others to work towards the things they want to achieve.
I like to see others succeed, and I like the feeling that I helped them get there, I like to support friends and family to do the things they want. I guide people where I can, and provide help and advice where I can. I've tutored others and I have taught others how to do things that I know how to do. I used to run a website that taught people how to program in Java, I used to be a tutor when I was at University, and I was very active in forums in the past on various topics.
I never quite understood the mentality that others achievements undermine your own, even if they surpass them, why does that take away from what you have achieved? You've still managed to do more than you had before you started, and you were always going to be in a world where there would be others out there who compete and achieve more, why does the fact you know, or know of a specific person make it negative? Why are people comfortable with the idea of faceless masses who have achieved more, yet when there is a face put to that achievement they recognise it makes them uncomfortable, bitter, and resentful?
It is very easy to fall into the capitalist competitive trap of wanting everyone to stand alone and wanting competition to determine who succeeds; it is a comfort to me that there have been many movements against this idea which have led to websites like indiegogo and kickstarter that bring together the power of the crowd. Platforms that ask you to help others succeed in their endeavours even though you know full well that those people have the potential to become immeasurably successful. Yet you donate anyway because you want to motivate, support, and inspire others to pursue their dreams. If you have an idea, share it, and if people like it then it is easier than ever to get the ball moving, that's what I love about these websites.
My question of the day is would you help someone achieve their goal even if it meant they would be far more successful than you?
I like to see others succeed, and I like the feeling that I helped them get there, I like to support friends and family to do the things they want. I guide people where I can, and provide help and advice where I can. I've tutored others and I have taught others how to do things that I know how to do. I used to run a website that taught people how to program in Java, I used to be a tutor when I was at University, and I was very active in forums in the past on various topics.
I never quite understood the mentality that others achievements undermine your own, even if they surpass them, why does that take away from what you have achieved? You've still managed to do more than you had before you started, and you were always going to be in a world where there would be others out there who compete and achieve more, why does the fact you know, or know of a specific person make it negative? Why are people comfortable with the idea of faceless masses who have achieved more, yet when there is a face put to that achievement they recognise it makes them uncomfortable, bitter, and resentful?
It is very easy to fall into the capitalist competitive trap of wanting everyone to stand alone and wanting competition to determine who succeeds; it is a comfort to me that there have been many movements against this idea which have led to websites like indiegogo and kickstarter that bring together the power of the crowd. Platforms that ask you to help others succeed in their endeavours even though you know full well that those people have the potential to become immeasurably successful. Yet you donate anyway because you want to motivate, support, and inspire others to pursue their dreams. If you have an idea, share it, and if people like it then it is easier than ever to get the ball moving, that's what I love about these websites.
My question of the day is would you help someone achieve their goal even if it meant they would be far more successful than you?
Gifts
Over the years through Christmases and Birthdays I have been given gifts from various people. Some are memorable, and some aren't. I can name the presents I got for Christmas for a few years but I can't name them all. As for my birthday I have never been big on the whole concept of them. That may sound a little depressing to some people and I guess for you it might be depressing to think of, but for me it's just the way I always looked at them.
There have been years I have not realised it was my birthday until it has passed, and others where I have not realised util someone give me a card or a present and I remember. This has been disconcerting for some friends over the years, when I first get to know people and my birthday comes around they have been disappointed I didn't tell them in advance, a declaration as such. Christmas has always been big for my family. We exchange gifts more so at Christmas than we do any other time of the year.
The presents over the years that I have enjoyed the most and remember the most are the ones that give me experiences. Games are a good example because you experience them as you play. Trips to theme parks are another. They leave you with something that lasts much longer than something disposable or consumable like alcohol, or sweets etc.
The presents that left the greatest impression on me were the ones that I wasn't expecting at all. Things you mention in passing, only to find months later they remembered what you said. That not only makes you feel happiness because they remembered but it makes you smile because it makes you realise they actually listen to you even when you have conversations that don't seem to have any real significance.
I realise that might make you question my expectations of others, that I wouldn't expect them to listen, and to be honest I sometimes don't. I've been overlooked in many ways in life. I'm not particularly loud, or expressive. I'd describe myself as the quiet, shy type. Although you should never confuse that with disinterest, just because someone doesn't say anything doesn't mean they aren't taking everything in. That personality though tends to make you blend into the background and your ideas and your expressions tend to be dismissed or not heard at all by others.
My question of the day is what was the best gift you ever received?
There have been years I have not realised it was my birthday until it has passed, and others where I have not realised util someone give me a card or a present and I remember. This has been disconcerting for some friends over the years, when I first get to know people and my birthday comes around they have been disappointed I didn't tell them in advance, a declaration as such. Christmas has always been big for my family. We exchange gifts more so at Christmas than we do any other time of the year.
The presents over the years that I have enjoyed the most and remember the most are the ones that give me experiences. Games are a good example because you experience them as you play. Trips to theme parks are another. They leave you with something that lasts much longer than something disposable or consumable like alcohol, or sweets etc.
The presents that left the greatest impression on me were the ones that I wasn't expecting at all. Things you mention in passing, only to find months later they remembered what you said. That not only makes you feel happiness because they remembered but it makes you smile because it makes you realise they actually listen to you even when you have conversations that don't seem to have any real significance.
I realise that might make you question my expectations of others, that I wouldn't expect them to listen, and to be honest I sometimes don't. I've been overlooked in many ways in life. I'm not particularly loud, or expressive. I'd describe myself as the quiet, shy type. Although you should never confuse that with disinterest, just because someone doesn't say anything doesn't mean they aren't taking everything in. That personality though tends to make you blend into the background and your ideas and your expressions tend to be dismissed or not heard at all by others.
My question of the day is what was the best gift you ever received?
"Ah, though art a heartless bitch"
If you could take a pill that would mean you never feel heartache, never feel loss, nor any other emotional pain, would you take it? What if that pill made you a cold and heartless bitch? That's the question the concept of Cybermen raise in Doctor Who.
In Doctor Who, Humans' obsession with technology and obselescence and the destination of the path it creates is examined through the characterisation of the Cybermen. These mechanoid creatures take biological hosts such as humans and "upgrade" them. The process usually involves removing all human emotions to increase efficiency. Individuality is sacrificed and people essentially become a walking, talking, robot army.
Happiness and Sadness exist on a scale, we swing back and forth between them throughout our lives. Through it all the trials we are put through, some at our behest and some at our request, we confront the reality of emotion. Pain can come in many forms, the physical kind can be numbed with drugs. We can make ourselves more comfortable. In this, physical pain is really something of a scientific concept. We can experience other kinds of pain however and when it comes to emotional pain we can feel things far worse than any physical pain can cause. Physical pain we can become numb to in time, it is the body's way of letting us know there is something wrong. Emotional pain however isn't necessarily about things being wrong, just, not right. Emotional pain can be debilitating, despite the fact there's nothing physically wrong with you.
Emotional pain is often said to be demonic by those of artistic and poetic inclinations. The idea of mental struggles being depicted as hunans wrestling with metaphorical demons is something that has been around for a long time. Whether or not these struggles are demonic in a religious sense is questionable, but in a spiritual sense at least it is easy to agree the spirit is weakened by emotional pain. You can quarrel over the definition of a spirit, even venture into the realms of duality and discuss the concept of a soul. With the message and sentiment that the language alone conveys the spirit being the embodiment of our being beyond the physical form, this can be incapacitated by many emotions. Love is perhaps the most prominent and the one most openly discussed. The subject of countless ballads and many movies, and artistic works, heartache is in many ways a source of power.
While Love in itself is often depicted as the cure to heartache, there are those who are depicted as harnessing the power of heartache to become more powerful than they ever were. The dark and desperate nature of this emotion often influencing these depictions cast these characters as becoming evil and consumed by their darkness, rather than the person consuming the darkness instead. It's not really questionable whether love, a positive emotion, can give you power - it can. The confidence it gives people, the connection it builds, the influence it gives you over other people are just a few ways that it can be exploited. Love and many of its close relatives such as empathy and pity, are exploited endlessly. The much more seductive side to love - lust - is perhaps the most potent. You'll be hard pressed to find someone who has not themselves, or known someone else, who has used lust to get what they want.
So if you can use one end of this emotional scale to gain power, should it not be entirely possible to use the other too? Is hatred really a path to power? Those of a loving disposition would find the thought of taking such a path to be something they could never stomach, and that's where our pill comes into play. If you had a pill that would make you a cold heartless bitch, would you take it?
In Doctor Who, Humans' obsession with technology and obselescence and the destination of the path it creates is examined through the characterisation of the Cybermen. These mechanoid creatures take biological hosts such as humans and "upgrade" them. The process usually involves removing all human emotions to increase efficiency. Individuality is sacrificed and people essentially become a walking, talking, robot army.
Happiness and Sadness exist on a scale, we swing back and forth between them throughout our lives. Through it all the trials we are put through, some at our behest and some at our request, we confront the reality of emotion. Pain can come in many forms, the physical kind can be numbed with drugs. We can make ourselves more comfortable. In this, physical pain is really something of a scientific concept. We can experience other kinds of pain however and when it comes to emotional pain we can feel things far worse than any physical pain can cause. Physical pain we can become numb to in time, it is the body's way of letting us know there is something wrong. Emotional pain however isn't necessarily about things being wrong, just, not right. Emotional pain can be debilitating, despite the fact there's nothing physically wrong with you.
Emotional pain is often said to be demonic by those of artistic and poetic inclinations. The idea of mental struggles being depicted as hunans wrestling with metaphorical demons is something that has been around for a long time. Whether or not these struggles are demonic in a religious sense is questionable, but in a spiritual sense at least it is easy to agree the spirit is weakened by emotional pain. You can quarrel over the definition of a spirit, even venture into the realms of duality and discuss the concept of a soul. With the message and sentiment that the language alone conveys the spirit being the embodiment of our being beyond the physical form, this can be incapacitated by many emotions. Love is perhaps the most prominent and the one most openly discussed. The subject of countless ballads and many movies, and artistic works, heartache is in many ways a source of power.
While Love in itself is often depicted as the cure to heartache, there are those who are depicted as harnessing the power of heartache to become more powerful than they ever were. The dark and desperate nature of this emotion often influencing these depictions cast these characters as becoming evil and consumed by their darkness, rather than the person consuming the darkness instead. It's not really questionable whether love, a positive emotion, can give you power - it can. The confidence it gives people, the connection it builds, the influence it gives you over other people are just a few ways that it can be exploited. Love and many of its close relatives such as empathy and pity, are exploited endlessly. The much more seductive side to love - lust - is perhaps the most potent. You'll be hard pressed to find someone who has not themselves, or known someone else, who has used lust to get what they want.
So if you can use one end of this emotional scale to gain power, should it not be entirely possible to use the other too? Is hatred really a path to power? Those of a loving disposition would find the thought of taking such a path to be something they could never stomach, and that's where our pill comes into play. If you had a pill that would make you a cold heartless bitch, would you take it?
Music Is My Drug
I avoid actual drugs, apart from prescription drugs, and alcohol. Obviously I don't mean together, and the former I mean when they are actually prescribed for you. Beyond that however I avoid drugs because I like to let my body deal with things on its own. I don't like pumping myself full of remedies when sick, the most I ever take is a headache tablet if the pain is too much, but beyond that I would much rather sleep it off. There are a few things that have an affect on me the same way drugs do for other people. Music has always been something of a drug for me. There are various genres I listen to which evoke different emotions.
Trance Music has always helped me concentrate. While some people find it monotonous, and repetitive, even slow or boring; I find it helps me focus and concentrate on what I need to do. I am a programmer. I first learned to programme at a very young age in BASIC when most other kids were playing football, I had my head buried in books about code and about computers. I loved technology from a young age, it fascinated me. I took many things apart as a kid, sometimes to my parent's dismay. When I first discovered BASIC, the sense of accomplishment it gave me when I took the time to write out the programs and run them, seeing the results made me smile. When I got older I branched off into many other languages and learned how to develop complete applications, games, utility programs I wrote to do the things I wanted them to do. Any time I had a repetitive task to complete I would often look to create a program that would do it for me. During my years at College and University I discovered Trance Music and the affect it had on me when I listened to it as I programmed. We often speak about being "in the zone" where the creative juices start to flow and you get into full swing. I did many pieces of coursework in one sitting listening to Music when I achieved that level of focus.
In my spare time I liked Dance music as a form of background Music. Over the years as the EDM - Electronic Dance Music - genre matured I explored it deeply and many gems from this are still the most played in my library. As for the argument that you need silence to concentrate, that never worked for me really. I was always a multi-tasker, to the point where I can ignore what is going on around me to be able to focus on what I am doing. From being able to sleep on Planes and Trains, to being able to work in busy environments without being distracted, but still aware of, what is going on around me, this definitely has had its advantages over the years. It has also had a few moments that would probably horrify others, like falling asleep in the middle of Hyde Park, or falling asleep on the tube - thankfully that was on the Circle line so an inconvenience more than anything.
Music can be a source of energy, I know many have playlists for their workout at the gym which they listen to in order to get them pumped. There's a track I have been listening to lately which is actually from a game called Undertale called Megalovania. I've linked it below. This is something which has given me energy when I need to keep going, and given me determination [brownie points if you get the reference].
My question of the day is how much does Music affect your mood?
Trance Music has always helped me concentrate. While some people find it monotonous, and repetitive, even slow or boring; I find it helps me focus and concentrate on what I need to do. I am a programmer. I first learned to programme at a very young age in BASIC when most other kids were playing football, I had my head buried in books about code and about computers. I loved technology from a young age, it fascinated me. I took many things apart as a kid, sometimes to my parent's dismay. When I first discovered BASIC, the sense of accomplishment it gave me when I took the time to write out the programs and run them, seeing the results made me smile. When I got older I branched off into many other languages and learned how to develop complete applications, games, utility programs I wrote to do the things I wanted them to do. Any time I had a repetitive task to complete I would often look to create a program that would do it for me. During my years at College and University I discovered Trance Music and the affect it had on me when I listened to it as I programmed. We often speak about being "in the zone" where the creative juices start to flow and you get into full swing. I did many pieces of coursework in one sitting listening to Music when I achieved that level of focus.
In my spare time I liked Dance music as a form of background Music. Over the years as the EDM - Electronic Dance Music - genre matured I explored it deeply and many gems from this are still the most played in my library. As for the argument that you need silence to concentrate, that never worked for me really. I was always a multi-tasker, to the point where I can ignore what is going on around me to be able to focus on what I am doing. From being able to sleep on Planes and Trains, to being able to work in busy environments without being distracted, but still aware of, what is going on around me, this definitely has had its advantages over the years. It has also had a few moments that would probably horrify others, like falling asleep in the middle of Hyde Park, or falling asleep on the tube - thankfully that was on the Circle line so an inconvenience more than anything.
Music can be a source of energy, I know many have playlists for their workout at the gym which they listen to in order to get them pumped. There's a track I have been listening to lately which is actually from a game called Undertale called Megalovania. I've linked it below. This is something which has given me energy when I need to keep going, and given me determination [brownie points if you get the reference].
My question of the day is how much does Music affect your mood?
Angels In America
In December 2003 a Movie broken up into a mini-series of 6 parts aired on the American TV Network HBO. It was called 'Angels in America' and it was based on a play of the same name. I only saw this series about a year ago, long after it had first aired. I fell in love with it. This isn't the first Movie broken up into parts that I have loved. 'The 10th Kingdom' to this day remains one of my all-time favourite Movies, broken up into 5 parts when it aired in the UK it was almost 8 hours long. Angels in America ran to 6 hours long and managed to touch on quite a few contemporary issues which despite being made 12 years ago, are still relevant today.
With a cast including Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson, and Ben Shenkman, I went into this series with high hopes and I wasn't disappointed. The main storyline follows the character of Prior Walter played by Justin Kirk who is living with AIDS. The series is set in 1985 and captures the struggles of many during a time when homophobia and intolerance was rife. Al Pacino is spectacular in his depiction of Roy Cohn epitomises the height of homophobia. The historical Cohn, who died in 1986 of AIDS, denied being gay and was responsible for countless gay men losing their jobs, despite rumours and assertions still widely held true today that he was in fact gay; in the series Al Pacino perfectly embodies the vitriol of self-hating gay men who reject the label, his character quoted as saying he is a straight man who sleeps with men. While there may never be conclusive proof that the historical figure was indeed gay, I have met a fair few homophobic homosexuals in my time. Whatever his sexuality Cohn in life was a man of hatred and bile.
The series throws up many questions for the audience, some of which are never answered and we are left to ponder. The religious theme and story arc within the series are fascinating, although somewhat "soft" in their presentation. Much of what is portrayed in relation to religion is done in a way that never quite asserts what you see as universal truth, instead leaving open the possible interpretation of these sequences as dream-like, or as the delirium stirred within a man struggling to hold on to his sanity.
The most fascinating actor in this entire series for me is actually an actress, the roles played by Meryl Streep are the key to the whole series. She plays four characters, the two of which I find most intriguing are Hannah Pitt, and Ethel Rosenberg. Hannah is the Mormon mother of a character named Joe Pitt who briefly leaves his wife to pursue a relationship with Prior's boyfriend who deserted him when he could not handle Prior's illness. The significance of Hannah is that in many ways I see her as an Angel unaware, more-so than those that actually claim to be Angels within the series. While Hannah may not have wings, she does play a pivotal role in guiding Prior and administering spiritual counsel. The role of Ethel Rosenberg who is dead and haunting Roy Cohn is even more intriguing. While you can dismiss her as a delusion belonging to Cohn, she does interact at one key moment during the series, shortly after Cohn dies, his nurse Belize calls Louis, Prior's boyfriend, to say Kaddish for Roy Cohn as he's the only Jewish person he knew who he could trust. During the scene Louis stumbles and cannot remember the words, with Ethel's spiritual guidance Louis is possessed of will and speaks the prayer. This is the only scene where Ethel's presence cannot simply be dismissed as delusion. She is one of the few supernatural characters in the series whose "existence" is hard to question.
Angels in America represents a lot of things for me, not just within a religious context, cultural, political, and epistemological but it also represents something more. The show is something I never saw when it first aired, mainly because I live in the UK and we didn't have HBO back then. It represents the jewels and gems that exist out there waiting to be discovered. The show is something that many people will have seen, but your society and your culture and in this case your geography will be the determining factors in the likelihood that you have. The Internet opens up a whole world to us, far beyond what we were once confined to, which is easy to forget. It's easy to use the Internet and get trapped in a bubble where you don't discover much beyond what you already know and routinely explore.
My question for today is quite simply, what's the most profound Movie or TV show that you have seen?
With a cast including Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson, and Ben Shenkman, I went into this series with high hopes and I wasn't disappointed. The main storyline follows the character of Prior Walter played by Justin Kirk who is living with AIDS. The series is set in 1985 and captures the struggles of many during a time when homophobia and intolerance was rife. Al Pacino is spectacular in his depiction of Roy Cohn epitomises the height of homophobia. The historical Cohn, who died in 1986 of AIDS, denied being gay and was responsible for countless gay men losing their jobs, despite rumours and assertions still widely held true today that he was in fact gay; in the series Al Pacino perfectly embodies the vitriol of self-hating gay men who reject the label, his character quoted as saying he is a straight man who sleeps with men. While there may never be conclusive proof that the historical figure was indeed gay, I have met a fair few homophobic homosexuals in my time. Whatever his sexuality Cohn in life was a man of hatred and bile.
The series throws up many questions for the audience, some of which are never answered and we are left to ponder. The religious theme and story arc within the series are fascinating, although somewhat "soft" in their presentation. Much of what is portrayed in relation to religion is done in a way that never quite asserts what you see as universal truth, instead leaving open the possible interpretation of these sequences as dream-like, or as the delirium stirred within a man struggling to hold on to his sanity.
The most fascinating actor in this entire series for me is actually an actress, the roles played by Meryl Streep are the key to the whole series. She plays four characters, the two of which I find most intriguing are Hannah Pitt, and Ethel Rosenberg. Hannah is the Mormon mother of a character named Joe Pitt who briefly leaves his wife to pursue a relationship with Prior's boyfriend who deserted him when he could not handle Prior's illness. The significance of Hannah is that in many ways I see her as an Angel unaware, more-so than those that actually claim to be Angels within the series. While Hannah may not have wings, she does play a pivotal role in guiding Prior and administering spiritual counsel. The role of Ethel Rosenberg who is dead and haunting Roy Cohn is even more intriguing. While you can dismiss her as a delusion belonging to Cohn, she does interact at one key moment during the series, shortly after Cohn dies, his nurse Belize calls Louis, Prior's boyfriend, to say Kaddish for Roy Cohn as he's the only Jewish person he knew who he could trust. During the scene Louis stumbles and cannot remember the words, with Ethel's spiritual guidance Louis is possessed of will and speaks the prayer. This is the only scene where Ethel's presence cannot simply be dismissed as delusion. She is one of the few supernatural characters in the series whose "existence" is hard to question.
Angels in America represents a lot of things for me, not just within a religious context, cultural, political, and epistemological but it also represents something more. The show is something I never saw when it first aired, mainly because I live in the UK and we didn't have HBO back then. It represents the jewels and gems that exist out there waiting to be discovered. The show is something that many people will have seen, but your society and your culture and in this case your geography will be the determining factors in the likelihood that you have. The Internet opens up a whole world to us, far beyond what we were once confined to, which is easy to forget. It's easy to use the Internet and get trapped in a bubble where you don't discover much beyond what you already know and routinely explore.
My question for today is quite simply, what's the most profound Movie or TV show that you have seen?
I Give Up
I had a post written for today about a show I used to watch called Angels In America, but there was something on my mind I thought I would write about instead. I'm listening to The Carpenters 'Goodbye To Love' and my mind is dwelling on many things. With the new year a lot of aspirations and desires inflate our sense of self, and the best of intentions lead us to set goals for ourselves in the form of resolutions. January however inevitably becomes a month of depression for many people when they struggle to achieve those goals. For me in a way that's what is happening, but it is not only the fact that it is a new year that has brought me to this point, it is also the realisation of how much time has passed since key moments in my life. The most prominent of which for me is graduating University - come June this will have been 7 years ago, and nothing about my life as it is right now is how I imagined it would be by now.
I'm a single gay man, I have never had a serious relationship, not for the lack of trying. My environment at University was a lot more liberal, living in London. Where I live now I am surrounded by religion and the risk of homophobia is very high. There are 27 churches within a 1 mile radius of my house. The people here are quite conservative in their attitudes, there isn't a gay bar for 40 miles, there are no pride marches, no LGBT societies, and dating sites don't represent this area specifically, those that do are barren. One of the few ways to actually find gay guys here is through apps like Grindr which you can imagine leaves your outlook quite bleak. Beyond my dating life, in terms of employment I have not had a job related to my degree, and I haven't been able to find a job that suits my skill set. I have had some success in this area but it's been short lived each time. The local economy isn't exactly strong though, looking online for jobs in the area there are less than 30 today and none of them are suitable. This isn't me being picky either, most of these jobs require formal qualifications I do not have, and the remainder ask for years of experience which again I don't have. I have applied to many of these before only to be rejected.
Rejection has become a recurring theme in my life and it's beginning to weigh down on my outlook on life. My expectations are lowering every day and I'm coming to the point where I don't believe anything will ever change so I've lost the will to even try. I deleted my profiles on just about every site I used, and every app too. While there was an element of glee in uninstalling Grindr, it wasn't for the reason I had hoped it would be. I feel insecure about so many things, right now, the only way I can see to regain any sense of security is to do what I have always done when I feel like this, to become reclusive and to devote all of my energy to myself and nothing else. In many ways this is a resignation from life as it is too much to handle.
What I normally do when I enter this mindset is throw myself into the things I enjoy doing. I enjoy writing, and I find it helps to articulate my emotions through the use of characters, and constructs that offer a form of ventriloquism. That and to write expressive pieces like this one that take the thoughts flying around in my head and formulate them into a cohesive work.
I give up. On Grindr. On Dating Sites. On Social Networking. On wasting my energy chasing dreams that are never going to come true.
I don't have a question of the day for you today. Instead I'll just leave you with this:
I'm a single gay man, I have never had a serious relationship, not for the lack of trying. My environment at University was a lot more liberal, living in London. Where I live now I am surrounded by religion and the risk of homophobia is very high. There are 27 churches within a 1 mile radius of my house. The people here are quite conservative in their attitudes, there isn't a gay bar for 40 miles, there are no pride marches, no LGBT societies, and dating sites don't represent this area specifically, those that do are barren. One of the few ways to actually find gay guys here is through apps like Grindr which you can imagine leaves your outlook quite bleak. Beyond my dating life, in terms of employment I have not had a job related to my degree, and I haven't been able to find a job that suits my skill set. I have had some success in this area but it's been short lived each time. The local economy isn't exactly strong though, looking online for jobs in the area there are less than 30 today and none of them are suitable. This isn't me being picky either, most of these jobs require formal qualifications I do not have, and the remainder ask for years of experience which again I don't have. I have applied to many of these before only to be rejected.
Rejection has become a recurring theme in my life and it's beginning to weigh down on my outlook on life. My expectations are lowering every day and I'm coming to the point where I don't believe anything will ever change so I've lost the will to even try. I deleted my profiles on just about every site I used, and every app too. While there was an element of glee in uninstalling Grindr, it wasn't for the reason I had hoped it would be. I feel insecure about so many things, right now, the only way I can see to regain any sense of security is to do what I have always done when I feel like this, to become reclusive and to devote all of my energy to myself and nothing else. In many ways this is a resignation from life as it is too much to handle.
What I normally do when I enter this mindset is throw myself into the things I enjoy doing. I enjoy writing, and I find it helps to articulate my emotions through the use of characters, and constructs that offer a form of ventriloquism. That and to write expressive pieces like this one that take the thoughts flying around in my head and formulate them into a cohesive work.
I give up. On Grindr. On Dating Sites. On Social Networking. On wasting my energy chasing dreams that are never going to come true.
I don't have a question of the day for you today. Instead I'll just leave you with this:
Nostalgia
Memories are never what they seem. Nostalgia paints over the cracks in time until we have idealised versions of what our lives used to be like. I recently tried re-watching some old TV shows I used to watch as a kid and I got very bored very quickly. You could say I was more easily amused when I was younger, but I would object to that because I've always been easily bored by things. I need an element of challenge in games or I get bored, I need an element of the unknown in a Movie or a TV show to be stay the course and watch it all the way through - curiosity captivates me. There are a few things despite the lack of curiosity that I can return to and experience again and still enjoy it. There are games that fit this requirement, Movies and TV shows too.
It's the things that we return to and find dislike for, they interest me the most. I don't believe people ever really change, I believe you only ever become yourself. By that I mean with age we tend to stop fighting the things we want and give in, and we tend to stop pretending we like the things we actually don't. The pretence falls. You become more consciously aware with age, of the amount of energy you devote to people and things. An air of conservatism takes hold and you seek to regain as much of your wasted energy as you can, so that you can devote it to the things you actually enjoy.
Looking back on some of the things I used to love and no longer do, I find myself asking, did I ever really love them at all or was it just that there was nothing better to do, or no other option? Did I like the shows I used to watch because I actually liked them or did I like them because there were only 5 or 6 channels and they were the best on offer at the time? Has the expansion of choice and the plethora of alternatives that we now almost drowned ourselves in, made us critical of the things we used to like?
I know with old games, some old TV shows, and old technology, that it's not fair to judge it by today's standards. I know that it's not fair to judge the quality of old VHS movies by the standard of Blu-Ray and streaming services, but in a way it's hard not to judge. I know that I liked those games and those shows at the time, and I know that I still do in my memory, but when I actually sit down to play them or watch them they don't live up to the memory.
My question of the day is simply, is it better just to consign some things to memory and not try to relive the past?
It's the things that we return to and find dislike for, they interest me the most. I don't believe people ever really change, I believe you only ever become yourself. By that I mean with age we tend to stop fighting the things we want and give in, and we tend to stop pretending we like the things we actually don't. The pretence falls. You become more consciously aware with age, of the amount of energy you devote to people and things. An air of conservatism takes hold and you seek to regain as much of your wasted energy as you can, so that you can devote it to the things you actually enjoy.
Looking back on some of the things I used to love and no longer do, I find myself asking, did I ever really love them at all or was it just that there was nothing better to do, or no other option? Did I like the shows I used to watch because I actually liked them or did I like them because there were only 5 or 6 channels and they were the best on offer at the time? Has the expansion of choice and the plethora of alternatives that we now almost drowned ourselves in, made us critical of the things we used to like?
I know with old games, some old TV shows, and old technology, that it's not fair to judge it by today's standards. I know that it's not fair to judge the quality of old VHS movies by the standard of Blu-Ray and streaming services, but in a way it's hard not to judge. I know that I liked those games and those shows at the time, and I know that I still do in my memory, but when I actually sit down to play them or watch them they don't live up to the memory.
My question of the day is simply, is it better just to consign some things to memory and not try to relive the past?
Sexual Baggage
"Do you have sexual baggage?"
"What, like a slutty suitcase?"
This wasn't what I meant, and they had the wrong idea, but in a way it fits with my analogy. I wasn't asking if your baggage was sexually provocative, I was asking whether your past sexual experience bears down on your present and future or potential relationships.
When I first came out as a gay man to everyone I met, it was while I was at uni. Before that only a select few knew. Uni in many ways was my first experience of living "out" and all it offered. After being in the closet for so long and denied of the possibility of having anything, when the opportunity came along it was metaphorically, and at times physically, all you can eat.
When I first came out I went through a slut phase which is common in the gay community. After being in the closet or after being in a relationship, or after certain events it is often the first response to do whatever, or in this case whoever you want. I have no lasting aftereffects of that phase in my life mainly because of the choices I made. Nevertheless the fact I've been through that is unnerving to some guys. So in a way I do have a slutty suitcase that I carry with me.
How many others have sexual baggage however is something that I never really thought about before but it's something that's been on my mind lately. Beyond the slut life example, there are other experiences that can become metaphorical baggage. They can be negative, which we'll step over for the sake of this post and my sanity; they can also be positive. In regards to the positive side the easiest example would be a fetish. It's something we generally discover through experimentation either alone or with someone else. What we discover usually gives us pleasure but we often end up acutely aware that it won't necessarily do the same for others. Fetishes in many ways are personal.
Therein lies the element of baggage. If you carry with you a fetish you enjoy then like all other baggage you'll seek a partner who can accommodate it. The thing about baggage though is that we tend to shed it when it holds us back, the incentive needs to exist first though. This creates the baggage paradox - you need someone who can accommodate it, you will be able to let some of it go for the right person, to meet the right person they need to accommodate it.
When we think about our baggage we tend to think of the other aspects of our lives and overlook this element altogether. So my question of the day is, do you have sexual baggage?
What would your parents say?
When you're young and you do something that others perceive as bad and they feel an obligation to scold you for it, yet they have no authority over you, the phrase they often fell back on was "What would your parents think?" - I often found this one strange for people to say, namely because in most cases when someone actually said it to me, my thoughts were "They'd agree with me not you" - I never actually said that in retort. I didn't have bad parents, on the contrary, I actually think my parents were the best I could have growing up and in many ways I am grateful to them. They taught me about right and wrong, about good and bad, and they taught me that happiness is one of the most important things in the world. That last point was perhaps the reason my parents left so many choices in life to me to make rather than choosing for me. My religious beliefs, which schools I went to, what I studied, all these I was free to follow as I pleased. There are many other choices I got to make but I emphasise these as they are most relevant to this post.
What we do, reflects on us and on those who raised us, regardless of how much influence they retain over us when we put distance between them and ourselves. What I find interesting however is that there seems to be a line that's drawn. What marks this line is very hard to define but when crossed, your actions are attributed to you alone. No thought is given to your parents or anyone else who influenced your life. There's quite a few people throughout history who fall into this category and rather ominously the majority of them are people who have done unspeakable things. Pick the worst man or woman from history you can think of and imagine "What would his/her mother think!?" - I doubt you'll blame their parents for what they did, whoever you thought of, it illustrates a point though - we have a choice whether to act in the way we were raised or to do as we wish, so why do people assume your actions are ever indicative at all of the way you were raised?
In psychology this is known as the nature versus nurture debate and at one point or another every human behaviour has been discussed in this context and the field of behavioural psychology continues study of this debate and the questions it raises.
As a gay man one particular annoyance for me is the debate of whether you are gay due to the way you were raised or if you chose to be gay - for me the answer is neither, I was born gay, it wasn't due to how I was raised or any choice I made. I knew I was gay when I was a kid and there were boys I really liked more than just as friends, it wasn't until my teenage years when other guys took interest in girls and I had none, seeing other guys and feeling everything they did for girls but for them instead. That's another story though.
My question of the day is, what defines the line where we stop blaming the parents for someone's actions and blame the person themselves?
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