"You really know what you want" - I've been told this many times by people but it's usually in the midst of a conversation about something I have figured out. There's a lot that I haven't figured out though and when it comes to those things, I don't know what I want - or if I ever did.
You can say I'm making problems for myself, or thinking about things too much, but I would argue that my concern is valid. I haven't figured out many things, but as an example let's take relationships. I've never had a relationship, I have wanted one, but I have only ever met guys who wanted one with me when I didn't want one with them, or guys that I have wanted one with who didn't want one with me. The two have never lined up for me.
When I first came out I wanted commitment, but I was 18 at the time and no-one my age wanted the same thing, they all wanted no-strings-attached [NSA as so many love calling it]. Fast forward a few years to my time at University and tired of guys only wanting one thing and nothing more I thought fuck it all - literally. I jumped on the NSA band wagon and I had my fill - again, literally. During that time though there were a few guys who wanted a relationship with me, none of whom I wanted one with, I don't want to sound like a slut, though that's inevitable when talking NSA - they were guys that I wouldn't have considered if I wanted something serious, I only said yes because it was NSA. Then came along a guy I really liked and fell pretty hard for, I wanted so much from him but he didn't want the same - not from me at least.
After that my desire to do anything with anyone died. It was a year or so before it woke again. Nowhere near what it was before I had a few encounters but I felt the same emptiness that NSA left, the feeling of being incomplete.
Fast forward to the present, half a decade later and you would think I would know by now what I want. I don't. I know what I don't want - I don't want a string of NSA encounters that will leave me feeling empty as they did before - and I know what I would like - a committed relationship with someone I love who loves me. So what's the problem? Well the problem is the question - does wanting commitment mean you have to be abstinent and wait for the one you're going to commit to? What if you spend all that time waiting, however long it is, before you finally meet someone you want to commit to and then things don't work out? Did you deny yourself the possibility of something good by closing yourself off to the world? Can NSA ever evolve into something more?
More than this the fact that I don't know what I want seems to be a heinous crime in the LGBT community - "what are you looking for?" - if you can't answer that question it seems you're wrote off completely. Why!? I'm fucking 25 years old I should not be expected to have life completely figured out by now, even if I live until I am 80, I am less than 1/3 of the way through; at 25 I've been out and able to accept my sexuality for 7 years - that's not a long time, what great revelation or lesson in life have I missed in that time that I'm expected to know by now, someone tell me please?
I want to help but you have to ask
I am different. I have known it all my life. I am different in many ways but one way in particular, and it's not being Gay which you might have thought.
I am different because I am capable of things that most people aren't. Normally I would feel the need to insert self degradation here and praise the many skills of others but fuck that. I am different and I am capable of many things that others aren't and all my life I have had to hide it and self censor myself not because I am afraid that others will find out but because I know that others will recognise it. I have to hold back because of the expectation of modesty. That expectation has been well and truly fucked out the window for this post. I am confident in my abilities and that has been labelled cockiness on occasion by friends, by people I worked with, by teachers even and I have always felt like I have been made to feel ashamed of that and I don't like that because I don't see why I should have to apologise for being good at something and recognising it.
I know where my strengths are and I know what I am capable of doing. I don't ridicule others for not being able to do things the way I can and I have never felt that someone was less than me because I knew something they didn't. If someone can do something better than me my first instinct is to ask them as many questions as I think of in an effort to completely understand their methods and practices. I seek to learn from others.
I have met people capable of incredible things and I have tried to learn myself and failed. That failure is not what I hold onto in bitterness, if someone is capable of something that I can not do I can respect that and rely on them for their support if I need it. If I can't do something myself but someone else can I will ask. When I can do something that others can't I don't usually offer to step in or show them simply because I have been conditioned to think that this is rude and that the person I offer to help will take offence. This is the thing this entire post is about, pride. Why is it that pride is seen as such a bad thing? It's considered one of the 7 deadly sins in Christianity, and abhorred in many cultures, societies and groups. If pride wasn't seen as such a bad thing maybe we could learn to appreciate our differences and learn to help and be helped.
All this is born from my discomfort in the situation where someone is doing something and struggling. Where I know how to do what they are trying to do, and where ultimately I don't offer unless asked, because I feel really uncomfortable offering help to people who don't ask for it because I feel rude, arrogant or condescending. I want to help but you have to ask because if you don't ask then in most cases I won't offer and I hate that this is the way I am because I would like to be able to offer help to those who wouldn't ask but I never learned how to do that without feeling really uncomfortable.
I am different because I am capable of things that most people aren't. Normally I would feel the need to insert self degradation here and praise the many skills of others but fuck that. I am different and I am capable of many things that others aren't and all my life I have had to hide it and self censor myself not because I am afraid that others will find out but because I know that others will recognise it. I have to hold back because of the expectation of modesty. That expectation has been well and truly fucked out the window for this post. I am confident in my abilities and that has been labelled cockiness on occasion by friends, by people I worked with, by teachers even and I have always felt like I have been made to feel ashamed of that and I don't like that because I don't see why I should have to apologise for being good at something and recognising it.
I know where my strengths are and I know what I am capable of doing. I don't ridicule others for not being able to do things the way I can and I have never felt that someone was less than me because I knew something they didn't. If someone can do something better than me my first instinct is to ask them as many questions as I think of in an effort to completely understand their methods and practices. I seek to learn from others.
I have met people capable of incredible things and I have tried to learn myself and failed. That failure is not what I hold onto in bitterness, if someone is capable of something that I can not do I can respect that and rely on them for their support if I need it. If I can't do something myself but someone else can I will ask. When I can do something that others can't I don't usually offer to step in or show them simply because I have been conditioned to think that this is rude and that the person I offer to help will take offence. This is the thing this entire post is about, pride. Why is it that pride is seen as such a bad thing? It's considered one of the 7 deadly sins in Christianity, and abhorred in many cultures, societies and groups. If pride wasn't seen as such a bad thing maybe we could learn to appreciate our differences and learn to help and be helped.
All this is born from my discomfort in the situation where someone is doing something and struggling. Where I know how to do what they are trying to do, and where ultimately I don't offer unless asked, because I feel really uncomfortable offering help to people who don't ask for it because I feel rude, arrogant or condescending. I want to help but you have to ask because if you don't ask then in most cases I won't offer and I hate that this is the way I am because I would like to be able to offer help to those who wouldn't ask but I never learned how to do that without feeling really uncomfortable.
Taking our own advice
This blog is filled with advice, observations and criticisms and some general musings on the way the world works. For all that I have written you'd think that I had it all figured out or that I was a man of the world that could use all this to his advantage, the truth is, knowing and doing are two different things. It's one thing to know what you should do but it's another to actually do it.
I'm not alone in this respect I know a lot of you will have experienced this, particularly when it comes to relationships and dating you'll probably have experienced at one point being the source of advice for your friends. Solving other people's problems it seems is easier than solving our own, perhaps the reason most prominent for this is when it comes to other people's problems we don't focus too much on what can go wrong or the negative ramifications instead we focus on the problem and a possible solution - in business this ignorance is known as blue sky thinking, where only the positive outcomes are considered and the constraints that normally apply are ignored and you come with an ideal world solution.
Life is not filled with blue skies unfortunately and when it comes to our own problems we often focus too much on what can go wrong as opposed to what can go right. Meaning when it comes to solving our own problems we look at them from an entirely different perspective than those of the people we help. 'Do as I say and not as I do' comes into play here; if we would only look at our own problems the way we look at others then maybe we could solve them more easily, if only we could take our own advice.
I'm not alone in this respect I know a lot of you will have experienced this, particularly when it comes to relationships and dating you'll probably have experienced at one point being the source of advice for your friends. Solving other people's problems it seems is easier than solving our own, perhaps the reason most prominent for this is when it comes to other people's problems we don't focus too much on what can go wrong or the negative ramifications instead we focus on the problem and a possible solution - in business this ignorance is known as blue sky thinking, where only the positive outcomes are considered and the constraints that normally apply are ignored and you come with an ideal world solution.
Life is not filled with blue skies unfortunately and when it comes to our own problems we often focus too much on what can go wrong as opposed to what can go right. Meaning when it comes to solving our own problems we look at them from an entirely different perspective than those of the people we help. 'Do as I say and not as I do' comes into play here; if we would only look at our own problems the way we look at others then maybe we could solve them more easily, if only we could take our own advice.
The Final Refrain
The Jensen household was always filled with music. Anna and Einar had met in college, she was a singer and Einar was a Cellist. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, in fact the first words Anna ever said to Einar were "Get lost", though Einar would insist that was due to his social awkwardness and not out of any wrongdoing on his part, Anna on the other hand would never let him forget that the first time he ever spoke to her was when he had drained half a distillery. Nevertheless their courtship eventually found its footing, with Anna being the dominant partner in their relationship it was always her word that would be final. It was no surprise then when their little boy was born she refused to let Einar name him for his father, insisting on the name of Mark instead.
Mark was outgoing and filled with dreams, with creativity flowing through his veins. Anna and Einar set about shaping their child enrolling him in countless classes, learning how to play every instrument you can think of and learning to speak English, French, Spanish and their native Norsk. Mark grew up in Oslo, in a medium sized semi-detached house in Gyldenløves gate. The house was perfect from the ground up. The house had 4 bedrooms, one taken by Anna and Einar, one taken by Mark, one taken by his little sister Emilia and a permanent guest room. As well as a study and the obligatory music room the house had two receptions, two bathrooms and a kitchen that opened out onto a small garden to the rear. The house nestled into the street basking in the shade of several large trees whose age was a secret known only to them. Warm in the winter and cool in the Summer it was a true family home. It was no surprise then that Mark did not leave until he was in his early thirties.
After several years of studying, achieving a bachelors in Education and a Masters in Psychology Mark finally set out to pursue a career in teaching, the subject would naturally be Music, but Mark was unable to find a place, in the end he would become an English teacher. At heart he yearned to teach music, and made every attempt he could to incorporate it into his lessons. His appetite was not appeased and so he took up a part time job teaching piano. Many of his students from school became his first music students. Through them his reputation spread and eventually he had no need for advertisements in the local paper and flyers scattered around colleges, instead he had a steady stream of pupils willing to learn.
One day in August Mark got a phone call from a woman in her late seventies named Mildred who had recently lost her husband to cancer. In his absence she found her time was wasted, and set about to do something that would give her something to occupy her mind. Mildred's husband George had left behind many things but perhaps the most impressive was a solid oak grand piano that was polished to within an inch of its life, with keys as white as snow and as black as coal. It was his pride and joy and in his wake it had sat lonely and longing to be touched, longing to utter sweet symphonies and melodies that would entrance anyone who cared to listen. Mark would not usually accept older students as he found them the most difficult to teach, set in their ways they would often sit as he guided them, his words going in one ear and out the other and the shrill strikes and harsh contrasts of mismatched notes piercing and screeching like nails on a blackboard. For Mildred however Mark made an exception, partly as the student who had referred her, a young man named Peter, begged in earnest that he give her a chance and partly because he felt the sincerity in her voice, the courage and the devotion that she would give.
The first few weeks with Mildred were hard, as he had expected she found it hard to grasp many of the concepts he was trying to teach and at a point he spoke to her softly one quiet afternoon and suggested that it may not be the best way to remember her husband. Mildred was taken aback, she protested, yet she knew that she had not given it her all. She begged Mark to have patience and give her one last chance. Mark set out a routine of practice that would occupy almost every waking moment of Mildred's time. Part of him wanted her to give up, perhaps if he gave her too much she would give up herself. What happened however was that Mildred played, day and night, surviving on a few hours of sleep. A month passed and when Mark returned he found Mildred sitting in the sun room staring off into space. Peter told Mark of the hours Mildred had spent practising. When she finally registered his presence she slowly stood, without a word and moved to the piano. She sat and sighed softly. Resting her fingers gently on the keys she set into playing, within a few notes Mark recognised the tone and progression as Ludovico Einaudi's Le Onde. The piano sang with such grace as the music filled the air, the room was still, Peter and Mark looking on in amazement as their hearts were cusped in the hands of angels. The music played as Mildred sat entranced her eyes welled as a tear ran down her cheek, she looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes and she played the final note. A moment of silence passed and Mildred fell forward slumping onto the piano the keys letting out a sudden clash of notes. Peter and Mark rushed to her but there was nothing they could do. As the piano fell silent, so to did Mildred.
Mark was outgoing and filled with dreams, with creativity flowing through his veins. Anna and Einar set about shaping their child enrolling him in countless classes, learning how to play every instrument you can think of and learning to speak English, French, Spanish and their native Norsk. Mark grew up in Oslo, in a medium sized semi-detached house in Gyldenløves gate. The house was perfect from the ground up. The house had 4 bedrooms, one taken by Anna and Einar, one taken by Mark, one taken by his little sister Emilia and a permanent guest room. As well as a study and the obligatory music room the house had two receptions, two bathrooms and a kitchen that opened out onto a small garden to the rear. The house nestled into the street basking in the shade of several large trees whose age was a secret known only to them. Warm in the winter and cool in the Summer it was a true family home. It was no surprise then that Mark did not leave until he was in his early thirties.
After several years of studying, achieving a bachelors in Education and a Masters in Psychology Mark finally set out to pursue a career in teaching, the subject would naturally be Music, but Mark was unable to find a place, in the end he would become an English teacher. At heart he yearned to teach music, and made every attempt he could to incorporate it into his lessons. His appetite was not appeased and so he took up a part time job teaching piano. Many of his students from school became his first music students. Through them his reputation spread and eventually he had no need for advertisements in the local paper and flyers scattered around colleges, instead he had a steady stream of pupils willing to learn.
One day in August Mark got a phone call from a woman in her late seventies named Mildred who had recently lost her husband to cancer. In his absence she found her time was wasted, and set about to do something that would give her something to occupy her mind. Mildred's husband George had left behind many things but perhaps the most impressive was a solid oak grand piano that was polished to within an inch of its life, with keys as white as snow and as black as coal. It was his pride and joy and in his wake it had sat lonely and longing to be touched, longing to utter sweet symphonies and melodies that would entrance anyone who cared to listen. Mark would not usually accept older students as he found them the most difficult to teach, set in their ways they would often sit as he guided them, his words going in one ear and out the other and the shrill strikes and harsh contrasts of mismatched notes piercing and screeching like nails on a blackboard. For Mildred however Mark made an exception, partly as the student who had referred her, a young man named Peter, begged in earnest that he give her a chance and partly because he felt the sincerity in her voice, the courage and the devotion that she would give.
The first few weeks with Mildred were hard, as he had expected she found it hard to grasp many of the concepts he was trying to teach and at a point he spoke to her softly one quiet afternoon and suggested that it may not be the best way to remember her husband. Mildred was taken aback, she protested, yet she knew that she had not given it her all. She begged Mark to have patience and give her one last chance. Mark set out a routine of practice that would occupy almost every waking moment of Mildred's time. Part of him wanted her to give up, perhaps if he gave her too much she would give up herself. What happened however was that Mildred played, day and night, surviving on a few hours of sleep. A month passed and when Mark returned he found Mildred sitting in the sun room staring off into space. Peter told Mark of the hours Mildred had spent practising. When she finally registered his presence she slowly stood, without a word and moved to the piano. She sat and sighed softly. Resting her fingers gently on the keys she set into playing, within a few notes Mark recognised the tone and progression as Ludovico Einaudi's Le Onde. The piano sang with such grace as the music filled the air, the room was still, Peter and Mark looking on in amazement as their hearts were cusped in the hands of angels. The music played as Mildred sat entranced her eyes welled as a tear ran down her cheek, she looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes and she played the final note. A moment of silence passed and Mildred fell forward slumping onto the piano the keys letting out a sudden clash of notes. Peter and Mark rushed to her but there was nothing they could do. As the piano fell silent, so to did Mildred.
Shared Passwords
Most people will be able to tell you that when it comes to passwords the three things you should never do are, pick an obvious password, write a password down, or share that password with anyone. There a many reasons for this but ultimately security is the primary objective, that is what passwords were created for - to prevent access to a system so that only the person who created the password would be able to access it.
The problem with passwords is that there are often times when you do need to share a password with someone else so that they can access a system, and often that system may be shared by multiple people who all use the same password. An example of this would be a wifi network key - this is a password that serves the purpose of restricting access to a wifi network only to those who know the key - dismissing for now the multitude of ways you can bypass this or break the encryption let's just focus on the basic principle, that is, that the network is locked using a single password that everyone who uses that network will use. On top of that if the password ever needs changed then everyone needs to know the new password. In this scenario you are only as strong as your weakest user; that is to say the person who flaunts security the most is the weakest link in your system.
According to BBC News, Police in India failed to act on hundreds of complaints of corruption over 8 years because of a forgotten password. This is an example of what can happen when access to a system is lost. While the issue of sharing passwords in error or being insecure is serious, the issue of not sharing passwords at all is equally as damaging. Take for example a System Administrator working in a school. He would have access to the primary server within the school and he would access that via a user-name and password combination. Logic would dictate as the System Administrator he would be the only one with those access details. So what happens for example if he takes a heart attack? If he never shared those details with anyone then the system would become inaccessible. These types of systems which rely heavily on security often won't have any method of resetting the password, more over what little fail safes are in place would also be secured, again the person responsible for that would likely be the System Administrator who had a heart attack.
These are valid reasons for what is known as White Hat Hacking - this is a term used for security specialists who are essentially hackers but do so legally through paid employment. These people can be hired by the School in our example and can hack the server as there is legitimate reason to access the contents. If we move away from a digital setting for a moment and consider a shop with a safe in which all the money is stored. The manager and a few others would have access to that safe via the combination. In the unlikely event that all of those people were unable to provide the combination then the contents would be lost. In this scenario you would need to employ a security specialist who can crack a safe [brute force physical attacks on the safe would not really be an option since they are designed to withstand those attacks] ultimately opening the safe and setting a new combination.
Another less extreme example would be a staff locker secured by a padlock, the member of staff quits and take with them the keys. In the event that there are no spare keys either a lock smith would be needed or a pair of bolt cutters strong enough to remove the padlock. The physical key of that padlock represents the passwords we need in order to access the systems we use.
The problem of providing a secure method of sharing passwords is one that is not easily solved. Ultimately each system for sharing those passwords that is created will invariably weaken the system as they provide another method for accessing a system you should not - why attack a system that is heavily locked down when you can attack the location of those keys and then simply open doors at your leisure.
The problem with passwords is that there are often times when you do need to share a password with someone else so that they can access a system, and often that system may be shared by multiple people who all use the same password. An example of this would be a wifi network key - this is a password that serves the purpose of restricting access to a wifi network only to those who know the key - dismissing for now the multitude of ways you can bypass this or break the encryption let's just focus on the basic principle, that is, that the network is locked using a single password that everyone who uses that network will use. On top of that if the password ever needs changed then everyone needs to know the new password. In this scenario you are only as strong as your weakest user; that is to say the person who flaunts security the most is the weakest link in your system.
According to BBC News, Police in India failed to act on hundreds of complaints of corruption over 8 years because of a forgotten password. This is an example of what can happen when access to a system is lost. While the issue of sharing passwords in error or being insecure is serious, the issue of not sharing passwords at all is equally as damaging. Take for example a System Administrator working in a school. He would have access to the primary server within the school and he would access that via a user-name and password combination. Logic would dictate as the System Administrator he would be the only one with those access details. So what happens for example if he takes a heart attack? If he never shared those details with anyone then the system would become inaccessible. These types of systems which rely heavily on security often won't have any method of resetting the password, more over what little fail safes are in place would also be secured, again the person responsible for that would likely be the System Administrator who had a heart attack.
These are valid reasons for what is known as White Hat Hacking - this is a term used for security specialists who are essentially hackers but do so legally through paid employment. These people can be hired by the School in our example and can hack the server as there is legitimate reason to access the contents. If we move away from a digital setting for a moment and consider a shop with a safe in which all the money is stored. The manager and a few others would have access to that safe via the combination. In the unlikely event that all of those people were unable to provide the combination then the contents would be lost. In this scenario you would need to employ a security specialist who can crack a safe [brute force physical attacks on the safe would not really be an option since they are designed to withstand those attacks] ultimately opening the safe and setting a new combination.
Another less extreme example would be a staff locker secured by a padlock, the member of staff quits and take with them the keys. In the event that there are no spare keys either a lock smith would be needed or a pair of bolt cutters strong enough to remove the padlock. The physical key of that padlock represents the passwords we need in order to access the systems we use.
The problem of providing a secure method of sharing passwords is one that is not easily solved. Ultimately each system for sharing those passwords that is created will invariably weaken the system as they provide another method for accessing a system you should not - why attack a system that is heavily locked down when you can attack the location of those keys and then simply open doors at your leisure.
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